Bored Dead

* Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

* It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies.

* An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

* The cat’s exhausted from just watching you.

* A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

* You’ve both gone down one clothing size.

* You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There’s nothing left to adjust.

* You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

* Boy, are you hungry!

* You’re absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.

2. Nothing is free.

3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.

4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.

5. It’s perfectly alright to look bored while you do nothing.

6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won’t get sued for it.

7. Keep those hard-earned pounds — do nothing!

8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.

9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.

10. Chances are, you won’t feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.

11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won’t lead to any embarrassing situations later on.

12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.

13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.

14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.

15. PMS won’t keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).

16. Being “in the mood” to do nothing is no big effort.

17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.

18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.

19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.

20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.

*A clitoris is a type of flower.

* A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.

* “Spread eagle” is an extinct bird.

* Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.

* A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

* A G-string is part of a fiddle.

* Semen is a term for sailors.

* Anus is a Latin term for sailors.

* Testicles are found on an octopus.

* Asphalt describes rectal problems.

* KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.

* Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish.

* Coitus is a musical instrument.

* Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.

* An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.

* A condom is a large apartment complex.

* An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir.

* A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.

* A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.

* An erection is when Japanese people vote.

* A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.

* Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass.

* Pornography is the business of making records.

* Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.

* Douche is the French word for “two.”

Cover your stump before you hump.

This ones for you Carl

Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.

Don’t be silly, protect your willy.

When in doubt, shroud your spout.

Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.

You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.

If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.

If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

The right selection! Protect your erection.

Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

Don’t make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

No glove, No love.

Don’t be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S’moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn’t very satisfying = there’s the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn’t make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein’s assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms