A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

What I Want In A Man, Original List … (at age 22)

———————————–
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover What I Want In A Man,

Revised List … (at age 32)
———————————–

1. Nice Looking – preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a weekWhat I Want In A Man, Revised List … (at age 42)

———————————-
1. Not too ugly – bald head OK
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekendsWhat I Want In A Man Revised List … (at age 52)

———————————-
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep while I’m emoting
5. Doesn’t re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I Want In A Man

Revised List … (at age 62)

———————————-
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn’t forgets why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when…What I Want In A Man Revised List … (at age 72)

———————————-
1. Breathing

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

2) I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don’t take life too seriously; you won’t get out alive.
7) You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth…. is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12) I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
13) God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.
14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
16) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
17) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
18) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
19) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
20) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A——s!
21) “That’s It! I’m Calling Nana!” (seen on an 8-year old)
22) “Wrinkled…. Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
23) “Procrastinate….. Now”
24) “Rehab….. Is for Quitters”
25) “My Dog…. Can Lick Anyone”
26) “I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – Do You Want Fries With That?”
27) “Party – My Crib – Two A.M.” (On a baby-size shirt)

28) “Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I’ve been doing since I was 15″
29) “Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names”

30) “FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.”
31) “I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I’VE GOT A GUN”
32) “A hangover is the wrath of grapes”
33) “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance”
34) “STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!”
35) “DISCOURAGE INBREEDING – Ban Country Music”
36) “They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken”
37) “He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead”
38) “Time is fun when you’re having flies”…Kermit the Frog
39) “POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN …. Cops have nothing to go on.”
40) “FOR SALE – Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.”

41) “HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH”
42) “HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.”
43) “WELCOME TO KENTUCKY – Set your watch back 20 years.”
44) “The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”
45) “The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.”
46) “MOP AND GLOW – The Floor Wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.”
47) “NyQuil – The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning-medicine.”

48) “My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

1. Whine

2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no.

Then get mad when you are believed.

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,

start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. Whine.

6. If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your

almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to

sleep, it’s because he is lazy.

7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying

for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required

gifts proving his love.

10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle,

tell him you’re irregular from all of the stress of your life.

11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend

must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed

immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.

12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about

doing anything other than catering to your needs.

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like Italy. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war – haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 13 and 80 a man is like the US – ruled by a di%k.

Why it’s better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Take notes, for all you Casanovas…

1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hands on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt – so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is the worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.

27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVISE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words “__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down, to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 — These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 — These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 — These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 — These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 — You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives Store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

• A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
• 
  
• I bought my wife a new car.
  She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.”
  I said, “Where’s the car?”
  She said, “In the lake.”
• 
  
• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
• I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
• Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that
• Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
• Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
  Dad: That happens in every country, son.
• 
  
• Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
• A man placed an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
  The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
• A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a millionaire.”
  “And what was he before you married him?”asked the friend.
  The woman replied, “A billionaire.
• The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
• 
  
• A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, “I’ve found a woman just like mother!”
  His father replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”
• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep
• I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
• It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer
• Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
• 
  
• A man was complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman-then, BAM!, it was all gone!”
  “What happened?” asked his friend.
  “My wife found out…
• Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
•