viagra

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

* Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date her mother.

* You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.

* She has a thicker mustache than you.

* When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

* You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.

* Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.

* You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.

* You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.

* At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.

* She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

* You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.

* At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.

* You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.

* She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.

* She is better hung than you.

* She constantly complains that her cat won’t stop laughing at her.

* She informs you that you can’t go out again because her spirit guide doesn’t like you.

* She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.

* Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

* It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies.

* An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

* The cat’s exhausted from just watching you.

* A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

* You’ve both gone down one clothing size.

* You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There’s nothing left to adjust.

* You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

* Boy, are you hungry!

* You’re absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.

2. Nothing is free.

3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.

4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.

5. It’s perfectly alright to look bored while you do nothing.

6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won’t get sued for it.

7. Keep those hard-earned pounds — do nothing!

8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.

9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.

10. Chances are, you won’t feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.

11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won’t lead to any embarrassing situations later on.

12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.

13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.

14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.

15. PMS won’t keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).

16. Being “in the mood” to do nothing is no big effort.

17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.

18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.

19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.

20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.

1. No repetitive-stress injuries.

2. Knocks out insomnia faster than two tabs of Tylenol PM and a Bud tallboy.

3. Two words: less sweat.

4. On deadline? No problem!

5. Saves on batteries.

6. No guilt associated with sayin

gee, “I think it’s time for you to go home now.”

7. Two more words: stress reduction.

8. Makes for an interesting elevator ride.

9. Won’t ruin your lipstick.

10. Great way to kill time while stuck in traffic on the way to the beach (if you don’t mind rubberneckers).

11. Sometimes you just don’t want your toes sucked.

12. You don’t have to worry about remembering your partner’s name.

13. Performance anxiety? What’s that?

14. It’s something to do while talking to your parents on the phone.

15. Doesn’t give you enough time to notice he or she smells bad.

16. You don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of having an orgasm in front of someone you hardly know.

17. You can have your after-sex cig in the cab. That is, after having sex in the cab.

18. A line doesn’t form outside the bathroom at the party.

19. Dinner doesn’t get cold.

20. Pillow talk? What’s that!

*A clitoris is a type of flower.

* A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.

* “Spread eagle” is an extinct bird.

* Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.

* A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

* A G-string is part of a fiddle.

* Semen is a term for sailors.

* Anus is a Latin term for sailors.

* Testicles are found on an octopus.

* Asphalt describes rectal problems.

* KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.

* Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish.

* Coitus is a musical instrument.

* Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.

* An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.

* A condom is a large apartment complex.

* An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir.

* A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.

* A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.

* An erection is when Japanese people vote.

* A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.

* Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass.

* Pornography is the business of making records.

* Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.

* Douche is the French word for “two.”

Classes for men at your local adult learning center

Sign up now!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 – How to fill up the ice cube trays.
A step by step guide, with slide presentation for men only.

Topic 2 – The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion.

Topic 3 – Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub?
Group practice.

Topic 4 – Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 – The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Topic 6 – Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 – Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 8 – Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 – Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 – Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 11 – Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 – How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 – How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

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· Why don’t men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!

· Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, “I don’t know.”
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, “Ohhhhhh.”

· Why are vibrators better than men?
Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don’t have to do their laundry!

· Why do men die before their wives?
They should.

· What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need……..
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

· How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.

· Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.

· What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

· Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.

· How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.

· Why is virginity like a balloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it’s gone.

· What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

· How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

· Why are men like strawberries?
Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.

· Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

· Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it’s never used.

· What do UFO’s and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

· Why is dating like a game of cards?
Because if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

· How do you confuse a man?
You don’t have to – they’re born that way

· Why don’t women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they dribble before they shoot.

· What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority

· What’s the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don’t have to ask – you can see who the best man is.

· What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down

· What’s the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.

· How can you tell if your husband’s dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.

· What food describes most men?
Jerky.

· Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.

· How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

· Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.

· What’s the hardest thing to teach a man?
How to operate a waste basket.

· What’s the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

· Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.

· Then there’s the jigsaw puzzle for men.
It only has one piece, And most of the time, it’s missing.

· Why did God create men?
She forgot to put the legs on snakes.

· Why women like bidets?
Because men don’t know what they are.

· How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.

· Do you always tell your husband when you’ve had an orgasm?
No way! I’m not going to call home every time!

· When does a man develop a brain?
The day he gets married.

· Why did the man sell his water skis?
He couldn’t find a lake on a hill.

· How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks “harass” is two words

· Why don’t men die in their sleep?
‘Cuz they can’t do two things at the same time.

· What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
A Myth.

· Why do women always wear black to bed?
To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!

· Why did God Create man first?
1. Practice makes perfect.
2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately.
3. There’s a frist draft with anything.
4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes.
5. First is the worst………Second is the best!
6. To be funny

· Woman: “I got a set of golf clubs for my husband”
Friend: “GREAT trade!”

· How do you scare a man ?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

· Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?

· Did you really throw your husband out on the street naked, for taking a bath with Bubbles?
Yes I did, and I threw Bubbles out too.

· Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

· “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

· How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
She asks them for a commitment.

· If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

· Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

· How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.

· Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

· How does a man show he’s planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

· How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

· How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.

· Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

· Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.

· What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train

· Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

· Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

· What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

· What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

· Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

· What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

· What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

· Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

· What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention.

· How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.

· What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

· Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

· Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

· Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

· Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

· How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

· What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

· Why are men like chocolate candies?
They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it’s either too small, gross, or stuck to the top.

· What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A man who told too many blonde jokes.

· What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

· How do men sort their laundry?
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.

· Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

· Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn’t stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

· What is the thinnest book in the world?
“What men know about women.”

· How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One – men will screw anything.
B.One – men will screw up anything.
C.Five – one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

· How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

· What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

· How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He’s breathing.

· What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

· How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

· What do men and beer have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

· How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? Did it ever happen??

· How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

· What is a man’s idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

· What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

· What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

· Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

· Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains

· How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

· Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

· How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

· Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

· What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
A. No mind.
B. No business.

· Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won’t accept a 3½” floppy.”

· What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?
Exchange him.

· Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

· What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

· Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

· Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.

· What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

· Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.

· What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!

· Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

· You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
The female brains are sold as “used”

· Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?

· Why did the man cross the road?
Who knows why the hell men do anything?

· How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

· Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

· How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn’t need it anyway.

· Why is a hard man good to find?
You don’t have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

· What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

· How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to “Instruction Manual.”

· Why do women make better soldiers than men?
Because they can bleed for a week and still not die

10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

and yes Carl this one is a Good One !

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

and yes Carl, we new you would like her.

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Rules that Guys Wish Women Knew

1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up put it down.
2. Do not cut your hair. Ever.

3. Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Get rid of your cat.

5. Sunday = Sports.
6. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.

7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. You have enough clothes.

9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you do not dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, do not expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we do not look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Do not rub the lamp if you do not want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done … not both.
23. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
24. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

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Bad Date Signs!

Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date
her mother.

…You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little
league with her.

…She has a thicker moustache than you.

…When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

…You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.

…Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.

…You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.

…At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.

…She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

…You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.

…At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.

…She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan.

…She constantly complains that her cat won’t stop laughing at her.

…She informs you that you can’t go out again because her spirit guide doesn’t like you.

…She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.

Dating rules for college

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual
tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means
somebody’s horny.

2. In an imaginary world, “I really like spending time with you,”
and “you’re cool,” mean I REALLY like spending time with you and
you ARE cool. In college, it means “will you fuck me?”

3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true
love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their
own.

4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and
kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no
such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most
guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.

5. In an imaginary world, men aren’t afraid to admit their
feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they
kissed you they respond, “Why do you think?” Refer to number one
for definition.

6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that.
In college it’s a fuckfest or pretty close to it.

7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In
college, you’re lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you
walk by. Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for
the reason.

8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college,
cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice
guys finish last.

9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college,
it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don’t even
know each others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEAST
ONE OF THE PARTNERS!

10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe,
woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean,
Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie,
Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather…

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Stages of Drunkenness

Stage 1 – SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

Are you tired of those asinine “friendship” poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here’s a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad – I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue – I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile – I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared – I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried – I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused – I will use little words.

7. When you are sick – Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall – I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Top Ten Slogans Being Considered by Viagra

10. “Viagra. The quicker dicker upper”
9. “Here’s the beef!”
8. “Get a piece of the rock”
7. “You’ve come a long way, baby”
6. “Viagra, it plumps when you take ‘em”
5. “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman”
4 .”Tastes great, more filling”
3.”Viagra, built ram tough”
2. “Just do her”
1.”This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?” ?

Of course you’ve heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.

So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she’s back at the doctor’s office.

She says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn’t five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes off the table, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right then and there on the table.”

The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Naah…” she says, “that’s okay. We wouldn’t go back to that restaurant anyway.”

There’s a new beverage on the market…it’s called Viagraccino – one cup and you’re up all night.

And did you hear about the man who spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he’s hard up.

We’re told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs mean an upswing in business.