Sexual Olympics

Sexual Olympics

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A man went over to his girl’s place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom — gold, silver, or bronze.
“Silver,” she said.

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“Why not gold?”

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“Because I want you to come second for once!”

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Yes, I want to have mad sex with you…

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

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We need = I want

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It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

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We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure…Go ahead = I don’t want you to

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I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

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You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not over reacting! = I’ve got my period

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Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

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I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

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I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

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You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

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THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING “WHAT’S WRONG?”…..

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such a pain in the butt

I don’t want to talk about it = Go away, I’m still building up steam

THE WOMEN’S GUIDE TO MEN’S ENGLISH

“I’m hungry” = I’m hungry

“I’m sleepy” = I’m sleepy

“I’m tired” = I’m tired

“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

“Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

“Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!

“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle you

“What’s wrong?” = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this

“What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

“I’m bored” = Do you want to have sex?

“I love you” = Let’s have sex now

“I love you, too” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” = I liked it better before

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” = $50 and it doesn’t look any different!

“Let’s talk” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

“I like that one better” (while shopping) = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!!!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

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Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry, ” the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

“You know, “he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet? “

“No, “she replies. . . “

s
c
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o
l
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“You just happened to catch my eye.”

Men are like…….

Men are like…….
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…..Placemats.
They only show up when there’s food on the table.
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…..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
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…..Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
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…..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
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…..Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
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…..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
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…..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
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…..High heels.
They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
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…..Curling irons.
They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.
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…..Mini skirts.
If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.
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…..Handguns.
Keep one around long enough, and you’re going to want to shoot it.

Top Ten Reasons You Know If You Have PMS

Top Ten Reasons You Know If You Have PMS

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1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

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2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

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3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

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4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

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5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, “How’s my driving- call 1-800-***-****.

6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.

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8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.

9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

What I Want In A Man, ORIGINAL List

What I Want In A Man, ORIGINAL List

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1. Handsome

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2. Charming

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3. Financially Successful

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4. A Caring Listener

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5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style

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8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
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What I Want In A Man, REVISED List

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1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn’t nod off while I’m emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

Men

  • Why don’t men wear tight underwear?
    It cuts off circulation to the brain!
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  • Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
    When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, “I don’t know.”
    When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, “Ohhhhhh.”
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  • Why are vibrators better than men?
    Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don’t have to do their laundry!
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  • Why do men die before their wives?
    They should.
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  • What is the difference between men and women?
    A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need……..
    A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
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  • How does a man keep his youth?
    By giving them money, furs and diamonds.
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  • Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
    A mental hospital.
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  • What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
    Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
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  • Why are hangovers better than men?
    Hangovers will go away.
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  • How are men and batteries different?
    Batteries have a positive side.
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  • Why is virginity like a baloon?
    All it takes is one small prick and it’s gone.
  • What is the difference between garbage and men?
    Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!
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  • How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.
  • Why are men like strawberries?
    Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.
  • Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
    So men can tell if they are coming or going.
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  • Why does a man have a clear conscience?
    Because it’s never used.
  • What do UFO’s and caring men have in common?
    You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.
  • Why is dating like a game of cards?
    Because if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
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  • How do you confuse a man?
    You don’t have to – they’re born that way
  • Why don’t women like basketball players as lovers?
    Because they dribble before they shoot.
  • What are the three types of men?
    The handsome, the caring and the majority
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  • What’s the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
    You don’t have to ask – you can see who the best man is.
  • What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
    Slow down
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  • What’s the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
    One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.
  • How can you tell if your husband’s dead?
    Sex is the same but you get the remote.
  • What food describes most men?
    Jerky.
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  • Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
    In the pages of a romance novel.
  • How do we know men invented maps?
    Who else would make an inch into a mile?
  • Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
    He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.
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  • What’s the hardest thing to teach a man?
    How to operate a waste basket.
  • What’s the difference between a man and a messy room?
    You can straighten up a messy room.
  • Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
    They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.
  • Then there’s the jigsaw puzzle for men.
    It only has one piece, And most of the time, it’s missing.
  • Why did God create men?
    She forgot to put the legs on snakes.
  • Why women like bidets?
    Because men don’t know what they are.
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  • How do you get a man on the roof?
    Tell him the beers on the house.
  • Do you always tell your husband when you’ve had an orgasm?
    No way! I’m not going to call home every time!
  • When does a man develop a brain?
    The day he gets married.
  • Why did the man sell his water skis?
    He couldn’t find a lake on a hill.
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  • How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    He thinks “harass” is two words
  • Why don’t men die in their sleep?
    ‘Cuz they can’t do two things at the same time.
  • What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
    A Myth.
  • Why do women always wear black to bed?
    To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!
  • Why did God Create man first?
    1. Practice makes perfect.
    2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately.
    3. There’s a frist draft with anything.
    4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes.
    5. First is the worst………Second is the best!
    6. To be funny
  • Woman: “I got a set of golf clubs for my husband”
    Friend: “GREAT trade!”
  • How do you scare a man ?
    Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
  • Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
    Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?
  • Did you really throw your husband out on the street naked, for taking a bath with Bubbles?
    Yes I did, and I threw Bubbles out too.
  • Why do men prefer blondes?
    Men always like intellectual company.
  • “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
    “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”
  • How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
    She asks them for a commitment.
  • If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties?
    How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
  • Why do men like love at first sight?
    It saves them a lot of time.
  • How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
    In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.
  • Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
    They stay stuck in adolescence.
  • How does a man show he’s planning for the Future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
  • How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
    All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
  • How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
    At the circus the clowns don’t talk.
  • Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
  • Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
  • What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    A. A dog is always happy to see you
    B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train
  • Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
    Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
  • Why are blonde jokes so short?
    So men can remember them.
  • What do you call a man with half a brain?
    Gifted.
  • What should you give a man who has everything?
    A. A woman to show him how to work it.
    B. Penicillin
  • Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
    To stop the snoring before it starts.
  • What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
    One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
  • What did God say after creating man?
    I can do better.
  • Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can’t stand criticism.
  • What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
    A man’s undivided attention.
  • How is a man like a snowstorm?
    Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.
  • What do you call an intelligent man in America?
    A tourist.
  • Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
    To keep them from grazing.
  • Why do men name their penises?
    Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
  • Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because they already have boyfriends.
  • Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
    He had it bronzed.
  • How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
    Two ways to cross a river.
  • What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
    The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
  • Why are men like chocolate candies?
    They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it’s either too small, gross, or stuck to the top.
  • What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?
    A man who told too many blonde jokes.
  • What is a man’s view of safe sex?
    A padded headboard.
  • How do men sort their laundry?
    “Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.
  • Why did God create man?
    Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
  • Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
    A.So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
    B.So they wouldn’t stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
  • What is the thinnest book in the world?
    “What men know about women.”
  • How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
    A.One – men will screw anything.
    B.One – men will screw up anything.
    C.Five – one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it
  • How does a man take a bubble bath?
    He eats beans for dinner.
  • What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
    A half hour of begging.
  • How can you tell if a man is aroused?
    He’s breathing.
  • What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
    Bonds mature.
  • How do you save a man from drowning?
    Take your foot off his head.
  • What do men and beer have in common?
    They’re both empty from the neck up.
  • How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    Who knows? Did it ever happen??
  • How are men and parking spots alike?
    The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
  • What is a man’s idea of doing housework?
    Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
  • What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
    E.T. phoned home.
  • What does a man consider a seven course meal?
    A hot dog and a six pack.
  • Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
    They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
  • Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
    So oxygen can get into their brains
  • How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
    Put the remote control between his toes
  • Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
    So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
  • How do men exercise on the beach?
    By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
  • Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
    Because they can understand them
  • What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
    A. No mind.
    B. No business.
  • Why is a woman different from a PC?
    A woman won’t accept a 3½” floppy.”
  • What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?
    Exchange him.
  • Why do bachelors like smart women?
    Opposites Attract.
  • What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
  • Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
    To knock the penises off the smart ones.
  • Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
    When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
  • What do you call a handcuffed man?
    Trustworthy.
  • Why are men like commercials?
    You can’t believe a word they say.
  • What do men and pantyhose have in common?
    They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!
  • Why are men like blenders?
    You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
  • You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
    A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
    The female brains are sold as “used”
  • Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
    Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
  • Why did the man cross the road?
    Who knows why the hell men do anything?
  • How can you tell when a man is well hung?
    When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
  • Why do so many women fake orgasm?
    Because so many men fake foreplay.
  • How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
    It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn’t need it anyway.
  • Why is a hard man good to find?
    You don’t have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.
  • What’s the best way to kill a man?
    Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
  • How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    Rename the mail folder to “Instruction Manual.”
  • Why do women make better soldiers than men?
    Because they can bleed for a week and still not die

Ways To Annoy Osama Bin Laden and his terrorist friends

Ways To Annoy Osama Bin Laden and his terrorist friends

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Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.

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Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, “Doesn’t that sound a lot like a B-52?”

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Ask him if he’s looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan’s favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

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Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.

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Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

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Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

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Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.

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Order him ten Domino’s pizzas with extra ham topping.

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Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

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Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven’t seen “Sex and the City” for weeks.

Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.

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Switch all the CD’s in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he’ll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.

Mine his bathroom.

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Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.

Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.com

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Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.AmIhotOrNot.com

Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.

Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you’ll get to “kick his ass every day for eternity”.

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Refer to him as “Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden”.

Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.

Tell him it’s lovely what he’s done with his cave, but that it’d look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

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At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

Claim you once saw him at a Hooter’s in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.

Ask him if he wouldn’t mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.

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Tell him that this is the worst pyjama party you’ve ever attended.

Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.

Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.

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Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

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Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.

Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.

Ask him if he’s pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the “Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd” Jihad.

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Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, “Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!”

Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.

They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who’s having a baby on Friends.

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Warn him that you’re “in a New York state of mind.”

Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they’ve ever thought of modeling.

Ask him, “say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?” just in case he’ll be caught off guard and answer correctly.

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Give him a “noogie” or a “wedgie”. If there’s actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a “swirlie”.*

Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your “holy lands” and blow up his hotels.

Offer to take him “clubbing” in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.

When you leave, wave and say, “Shalom!”

Increase your Vocabulary

To increase your vocabulary with phrases you’ve heard but aren’t quite sure how to use, read on…
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“Cold turkey”

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Definition: Refers to the physical state addicts are in when withdrawing from drug
addition, especially heroin. Their blood is directed to the internal organs, leaving
their skin white and goose bumpy like a Thanksgiving bird ready to go in the oven.
Mmmmm, junkie turkey.

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Origin: The first usage of this phrase is unknown, but it has as many applications as
there are things to be addicted to.

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Use it in a sentence: After coming down with a strange illness that turned his
eye-whites blue, Ozzy had to go cold turkey from biting the heads off live bats or
any other animals.
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“Going Dutch”
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Definition: To evenly split the cost of a group expense, like a meal.

Origin: The origin of the phrase is unknown, but there is one explanation. In the
17th century, the Dutch were hated commercial rivals of the British, and have been a
verbal target for them since. Anyone who “went Dutch” may have been considered a
tightwad. Not surprisingly, the Dutch don’t seem to love this phrase.

Use it in a sentence: The last girl I went out with called me a superior patriarchal
misogynist who didn’t respect her independence just because I offered to pick up the
tab. So last night I decided I’d play it safe and suggested to my date that we go
Dutch. She called me a cheap bastard!

“Shit hits the fan”
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Definition: Refers to the commotion that can occur when a situation that was
previously secret is publicly revealed. Graphically illustrates the distinction
between fecal matter, which is not in itself such a problem, and fecal matter piling
up to the ceiling fan and then being sprayed everywhere, which pretty much sucks.

Origin: Depression-era America, when apparently excrement abounded.

Use it in a sentence: “I’m telling you, Bob, if we don’t figure out how to get your
dad’s pogo stick out of this tree, the shit’s really gonna hit the fan. I mean, how’s
he supposed to get to work?”

“Put a sock in it”
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Definition: A terse request to be quiet.

Origin: Since early gramophones had no volume control knobs, playing them at anything
less than 11 (“my amp goes up to 11″) required putting a sock in the amplification
trumpet.

Use it in a sentence:
Girl: “Why are you hesitating? You don’t like it, do you? You think it makes me look
fat, right? Oh, I knew this would happen. I should never have gotten an orange
leather…”
Guy: “Ah, put a sock in it.”

“Son of a gun”
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Definition:
a) As an interjection, it means “gee whiz” or “well I’ll be damned.”
b) As a name to call someone, it’s a euphemism for a phrase that’s already pretty
tame: son of a bitch.

Origin: According to the Phrase Finder (www.phrases.shu.ac.uk), the expression
originated on sailing ships, where some women would have sex with sailors between the
cannons. The male progeny of such a dangerous liaison would then be called a son of a
gun. Nice pedigree.

Use it in a sentence:
a) “Son of a gun, who stole my toupee?”
b) “Bob, you old son of a gun. How’s the prostate?”

“For all intents and purposes”
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Definition: First of all, it ain’t “for all intensive purposes.” Think about it for a
minute. What the hell could that possibly mean? For all uses that are short but
really demanding? Like, oh, I don’t know, midget arm-wrestling? No, “for all intents
and purposes” means “realistically speaking; practically; in almost every way.”

Origin: Although its origin is unknown, the phrase used to be “to all intents and
purposes,” which is still sometimes heard.

Use it in a sentence: Bob tried so hard to please Patty that he had long ago passed
the “whipped” phase and was now, for all intents and purposes, her love slave.

“Big cheese”

Definition: The most important person; the boss.

Origin: The Urdu word for thing is chiz. The British likened its sound to the word
“cheese” and, as cheese is so vital to the Brits that their pound currency was
actually pegged to the price of medium cheddar for almost two centuries, they
modified its meaning to “the main/best thing.” The phrase crossed the Atlantic as
“the big cheese” in about 1890.

Use it in a sentence: The way he acted, you could tell Bob thought he was the big
cheese of the joint. But really, with his faux chains, hedge-like chest hair and
shiny zebra-striped shirt, he was just cheesy.

“Peeping Tom”

Definition: A peeping Tom is a voyeur.

Origin: It stems from an 11th century English legend in which Tom the tailor
unlawfully peeps at Lady Godiva as she rides on horseback naked through Coventry. As
a result, he was struck blind. Doh!

Use it in a sentence: To mess with the minds of any would-be peeping Toms in the high
rise across the street, every night Bob undressed in front of his window with all the
lights on, then looked out into the night and gave a big wave before retiring.

“Beat around the bush”

Definition: This old phrase means, well, you know, sort of to, like, stall and stuff,
or lie even, instead of, um — hey look, that dog has a poofy tail! Sorry, it means
not to get to the point or the truth.

Origin: It comes from hunting, where hunters would carefully beat around bushes
hoping to drive out their prey instead of just going in after it.

Use it in a sentence:
Man #1: “Stop beating around the bush and ask the question already!”
Man #2: “Okay, fine. Can I borrow your girlfriend for, like, an hour?”

Things you’ll NEVER hear one woman say to another woman

Things you’ll NEVER hear one woman say to another woman

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That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping

my husband company while I go for a swim?

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Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I’ll go

introduce myself!

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His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I’m

happy for them both.

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If he doesn’t let me hold the remote, I get all moody.

He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.

I’m sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned

waiter with a heart of gold any day!

We’re redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him

with the color choices!

He talks our relationship to death! It’s making me crazy!

Why

I just realized — my butt doesn’t look fat in this — my butt *is* fat!