MAGAZINES:
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn’t be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?’

- Vibrators don’t have problems with gas … Nor do they hog the remote … Nor the computer!

- We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.

- Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.

- Position is your choice, not his.

- You don’t have to suck it.

- It works “while” the sports games are on.

- It always is hard.

- It doesn’t leave a mess behind.

- You don’t have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

- It doesn’t care that you gained 10 lbs.

- It doesn’t fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

- You don’t have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

- You don’t have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.

- You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!

- They don’t get tired after the first time.

- They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.

- They never drink too much and embarrass you.

- You don’t have to tell the vibrator he’s the best you ever had!

- Vibrators don’t prematurely ejaculate.

- Safe sex without a rubber.

- Vibrators don’t ask who your Daddy is.

- Vibrators last as long as YOU want them to last.

- You don’t have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !

- As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going!

- Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!

- Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!

- They never ask how they were.

- They don’t burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

- You don’t have to dress up for your vibrator.

- You don’t have to stroke its ego.

- They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.

- It doesn’t leave a wet spot.

- You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed it.

- It doesn’t require “a little lip action” to get hard

- It has no problem finding the “g spot.”

- You know exactly where its been.

- Vibrators don’t care if you get crumbs in the bed.

* Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date her mother.

* You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.

* She has a thicker mustache than you.

* When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

* You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.

* Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.

* You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.

* You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.

* At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.

* She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

* You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.

* At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.

* You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.

* She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.

* She is better hung than you.

* She constantly complains that her cat won’t stop laughing at her.

* She informs you that you can’t go out again because her spirit guide doesn’t like you.

* She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.

* Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

* It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies.

* An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

* The cat’s exhausted from just watching you.

* A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

* You’ve both gone down one clothing size.

* You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There’s nothing left to adjust.

* You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

* Boy, are you hungry!

* You’re absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

1. No repetitive-stress injuries.

2. Knocks out insomnia faster than two tabs of Tylenol PM and a Bud tallboy.

3. Two words: less sweat.

4. On deadline? No problem!

5. Saves on batteries.

6. No guilt associated with sayin

gee, “I think it’s time for you to go home now.”

7. Two more words: stress reduction.

8. Makes for an interesting elevator ride.

9. Won’t ruin your lipstick.

10. Great way to kill time while stuck in traffic on the way to the beach (if you don’t mind rubberneckers).

11. Sometimes you just don’t want your toes sucked.

12. You don’t have to worry about remembering your partner’s name.

13. Performance anxiety? What’s that?

14. It’s something to do while talking to your parents on the phone.

15. Doesn’t give you enough time to notice he or she smells bad.

16. You don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of having an orgasm in front of someone you hardly know.

17. You can have your after-sex cig in the cab. That is, after having sex in the cab.

18. A line doesn’t form outside the bathroom at the party.

19. Dinner doesn’t get cold.

20. Pillow talk? What’s that!

- You keep the ACE Hardware catalog with your other pornography.

- You were always disappointed that the book Of Human Bondage wasn’t.

- Sticks & stones may break your bones, but that’s an acceptable risk.

- You read Andrea Dworkin for the pornography.

- You call people other than your Father “Daddy.”

- Reading the word spanking makes you blush.

- Your first, favorite scout badge was for knot tying.

- You moved to Oregon so you could wear more raincoats.

- Kitchen utensils are found in your bedroom.

- Tack shops: Not just for equestrians anymore.

- You own and use handcuffs, but aren’t employed in law enforcement.

- Your contracts involve punishments, but no money.

- Your friends covet the bondage cross in your bedroom.

- You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, “Cool! I’ve always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!”

- Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to.

- You give a new song a rating of 65. It’s got a good beat and you can squirm to it.

- You start to salivate and get aroused as you pass the local candle factory.

- You always smell like Yankee Candle’s Scent-Of-The-Month.

- Canning season gets you *really* excited.

- You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you stop to see if the poor guy needs a PERSON to cane.

- Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don’t own a horse.

- You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area’s Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.

- Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about.

- Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like “Exit to Eden” than anything they showed on TV.

- They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at four local leather shops.

- You need an 18-wheeler to haul all your toys to a party.

- Your son’s Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.

Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.

For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon.

A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig.

A baby jackass will always become a jackass.

A puppy quickly matures into a dog;

a mongrel pup develops into a cur.

Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these.

1. we’re always open to new moves & positions

2. we perform to please the crowd

3. we love an audience

4. we’re very flexible

5. we show off our legs

6. we’re tight…physically fit

7. we’re seductive

8. we like being videotaped to improve ourselves

9. we work hard to get things just right

10. we do what we’re told

11. we enjoy doing hard thing
12. we work in mysterious ways

1. Whine

2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no.
Then get mad when you are believed.

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,
start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. Whine.

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6. If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your
almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to
sleep, it’s because he is lazy.

7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying
for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required
gifts proving his love.

10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle,
tell him you’re irregular from all of the stress of your life.

11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend
must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed
immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.

12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about
doing anything other than catering to your needs.

 

Love, Lust, or Marriage?

How do you know if you’re in love, in lust, or really married?LOVE – When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST – When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE – When you lose your child in crowded room.LOVE – When intercourse is called “making love.”
LUST – When intercourse is called “screwing.”
MARRIAGE – What the hell are you talking about?LOVE – When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST – When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE – When you argue over money.LOVE – When you share everything you own.
LUST – When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE – When the bank owns everything.

LOVE – When it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax.
LUST – When the relationship is over if you don’t climax.
MARRIAGE – What’s a climax?

LOVE – When you phone each other just to say, “Hi.”
LUST – When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE – When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE – When you write poems about your partner.
LUST – When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE – When all you write is checks.

LOVE – When you show concern for your partner’s feelings.
LUST – When you couldn’t give a shit.
MARRIAGE – When your only concern is what’s on TV.

LOVE – When your farewell is “I love you, darling…”
LUST – When your farewell is “So, same time next week…”
MARRIAGE – When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE – When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST – When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE – When you never see each other awake.

LOVE – When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST – When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE – When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE – When nobody else matters.
LUST – When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE – When everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows.

LOVE – When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST – When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE – When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE – When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST – When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE – When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE – When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST – When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE – When you’re only interested in your golf score.

BLONDE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
A: Because she didn’t know which one came first!

Q: How can you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

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Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

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Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A: Nothing, they never met.

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Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can’t fetch a beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Because the blondes couldn’t manage it either.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A Golden retriever!

Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts?
A: Change!

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know which day of the week it is.

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won’t follow you around for a week!

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
A: They heard that under seventeen weren’t admitted!

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have a black box.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she’s pregnant.

Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
A: She threw out all the W’s

She Ain’t Easy – But …Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â And Yes Carl I know she is your Favorite !!!!!!!!!

She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.

She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.

She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.

She’s turned more tricks than Houdini has.

She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible.

She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.

She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.

She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins has.

She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

She’s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare has.

She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s Cube.

She’s spent more time under men than barstools.

She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.

She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

She’s had more marines land on her bed than on Iwo Jima.

Hoover classifies her tongue as a vacuum cleaner.

Her body has been declared a national recreation area.

Her diaphragms come with a service contract.

Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.

Her pantyhose has a pet door.

Be Politically Correct With Women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

Sure Fire Ways To Know You’re A Woman

1. Whine2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no.
Then get mad when you are believed.

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,
start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. Whine.

6. If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your
almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to
sleep, it’s because he is lazy.

7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying
for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required
gifts proving his love.

10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle,
tell him you’re irregular from all of the stress of your life.

11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend
must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed
immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.

12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about
doing anything other than catering to your needs.