Bored Dead

DRINKING GUIDE

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward

the ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain About her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth. Quickly.

When Girls Drink Too Much!!

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1.) I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE MY PURSE IS.
2.) I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING MY BUTT WHILE YELLING “WOO-HOO!” IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3.) I’VE SUDDENLY DECIDED I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE’S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE I COULD DO IT TOO.
4.) IN MY LAST TRIP TO PEE, I REALIZE I NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS I WAS JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5.) I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR (WHICH I’M EATING EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING IT

6.) I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
7.) I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE “OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!”

8.) I’VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO ME
9.) THE MAN I’M FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER.
10.) THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING
11.) MY EYES JUST DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.

12.) I’VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
13.) I YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO (I THINK) CHEATED ME BY GIVING ME JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
14.) I THINK I’M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR
15.) I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, “DON’T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT…”
16.) I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID’S DOWN WHEN I SIT ON IT.
17.) MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.
18.) I’M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.
19.) I BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON MY BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT DOWN ON THE TIME I’M IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM MY DRINK.
20.) I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT’S THEIR FAULT THAT I’M HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT

BAR ROOM TRANSLATIONS

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* “You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

* “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)

* “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

* “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female – I’m easy.)

* “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male – I’m gay.)

* “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female – I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

* “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male – If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)

* “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female – You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

* “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male – I’m horny.)

* “Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

* “Excuse Me.” (male to male – Get the hell out of the way.)

* “Excuse Me.” (male to female – I am going to grope you now.)

* “Excuse Me.” (female to male – Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way!)

* “Excuse Me.” (female to female – Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

* “What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)

* “Can I have a white Russian?” (male – I’m *really* gay.)

* “Can I have a white Russian?” (female – I’m *really* easy.)

* “That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)

*Â “Can I just get a glass of water?” (female – I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

* “I don’t have my ID on me.” (female – I’m 19.)

* “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male – I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 1.4 after my last visit here)

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Robot Bartender

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention
and asked, “Sir, what will you have?”

The man thought a moment then replied? “A martini please.”

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.

The robot then asked, “Sir, what is your IQ?”

The man answered “Oh, about 164.”

The robot then proceeded to discuss the ‘theory of relativity’,
inter-stellar space travel’,the latest medical breakthroughs, etc…

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have? “A martini please.”

Again it was superb. The robot again asked “What is your IQ sir?”

This time the man answered , “Oh about 100″. So the robot started
discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to
expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool…. Again a martini, and the question, “What is your IQ?”

This time the man drawled out ” Uh….. bout 50″.

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

“A-r-e…

y-o-u-r…

p-e-o-p-l-e…

g-o-i-n-g…
t-o…

n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e…

H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????

You lose arguments with inanimate objectsÂ