This blog is about many things, there are a lot of other things about this blog that you might not have known about. Read around for more information.
10. She’s a goblin!
9. I’d like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag….OH! You’re having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I’ll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth…
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.
Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there’s housework to be done. Also, see “Mr. Hyde.”
Jack O’ Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton: Any supermodel.
Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Witch: See “Mother-in-Law.”
Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.
Why Pumpkins are better than Men
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to
greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don’t like the way he looks, you just carve up
another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw
him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush
filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to
be.
Your Halloween Survival Guide
*When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.
*If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.
*Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
*Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
*If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
*When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
*As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
*Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
*If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
*If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
*Do not take *anything* from the dead.
*If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
*Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
*If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
*If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
*Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
*If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
** Your Welcome Carl !!!!!**
20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away coloured eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.
THE PROS & CONS OF DATING A
VAMPIRE*
Pro
———–
Long relationships
Allowed to stay out late
Easy weight loss
Centuries of experience
Immune to all diseases
Always has amazing stamina
Loves neck nibbling
Rarely interested in arguing religion
Never comes home with garlic breath
Doesn’t snore; sleeps like the dead
Con
———–
You always feel tired (loss of blood)
Kissing can be lethal
Monogamy is a problem
Always has cold feet and hands
Pet names that give you chills
Strange friends
Giggles at funerals
Hard to win an argument
May forget own strength
10. Grunge look makes it tough to
tell living from undead.
9. Three words: Daylight Savings
Time
8. Can’t enjoy a meal at BURGER
KING without some redneck
yelling, “Look…it’s Elvis!!”
7. After 45 years of Communist
rule, it’s impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated
Transylvanian soil for bottom of
coffin.
6. No bat is safe with Oozy
Ozbourne around.
5. All the crucifix-wearing Madonna
clones make finding easy victims
difficult.
4. No warm blood for miles around
DC.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been
replaced by aerobicized
“hardbodies.”
2. Fat-free blood tastes like crap!
AND THE #1 COMPLAINT OF MODERN-DAY VAMPIRES:
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken
for Keith Richards!
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balanceand fall over.
6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not
wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t
dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
