Christmas
NewYears resolutions you can keep
December 28, 2007 by Jeff · Leave a Comment
You must be sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!
10. Read less.
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
[...]
Christmas Controversies
December 15, 2006 by Jeff · Leave a Comment
WHICH IS BEST?
CONTROVERSY Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE Live tree, planted after use
MALE Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls
CONTROVERSY Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE Bulbs flash logo of [...]
Christmas Test … ” name that Carol “
December 9, 2006 by Jeff · Leave a Comment
Name That Christmas Carol!
1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time2400 hrs – WeatherCloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen [...]
Female Elf Applications
December 8, 2006 by Jeff · Leave a Comment
Female Elf Applications
National Federation of Uniformed Elves
Main Office, North Pole
Female Elf Employment Application
1. Name ________________
2. Present Address ____________________
3. Age ___ (If under 100, parental permission is required)
4. Height ______ (If over 3 feet 6 inches, please attach waiver
application)
5. Present Occupation ____________ (If politician, forget it!)
6. Hobbies ______________________________
(If boys, boys, boys, do you like “little, little” [...]
A Christmas Game
December 7, 2006 by Jeff · Leave a Comment
It’s a matter of opinion that Yule love the game we’re about to
play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an
expression commonly used at Christmastide.
1. On December 24, Adam’s wife was known as _____ _____.
2. In Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited
by the ghost of _____ _____.
3. An [...]
Inappropriate Gift Ideas
December 6, 2006 by Jeff · Leave a Comment
Inappropriate Gift Ideas
Invitational Challenge, come up with terribly inappropriate
Christmas gift ideas.
Honorable Mentions
Supersoaker 9000
For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying
planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint clean
rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
The Laff-O-Minit Jajic Spellin’ Tootor Doggie Dentist
Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
Cuisin-Art
Turns [...]
Signs You Bought A Bad Christmas Tree
December 5, 2006 by Jeff · Leave a Comment
10. It’s two feet tall, forty feet wide
9. Salesman’s opening line: “You’re not a cop, are you?”
8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
stuck into it
7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for
a joy ride
6. Each branch has “Duraflame” printed on it
5. It [...]
Corperation Santa internal Memo
December 3, 2006 by Jeff · Leave a Comment
To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New “Twelve Days of Christmas” Policy
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good [...]
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
December 1, 2006 by Jeff · Leave a Comment
1. “I’m down here”
2. Just because I’ve got bells on my shoes, doesn’t mean I’m a
sissy.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for ‘NSynch. Want to meet them?
4. I can get you off Santa’s naughty list.
5. I have certain needs that can’t be satisfied by working on
toys.
6. I’m a magical being. Can I try [...]
Why a Christmas Tree is better then a Man
November 28, 2006 by Jeff · Leave a Comment
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good – even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad [...]
Grinch Quiz
November 26, 2006 by Jeff · Leave a Comment
How to Tell if You’re a Grinch
This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year’s resolutions:
1. You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your [...]
