First we have beer. Everyone loves beer. Even commies love beer. There is nothing better than a cold beer after a hard days work. There is nothing better than a cold beer after a long night of partying. There is nothing better than a cold beer anytime of the day or night.

In the other corner we have marijuana. Nothing brings you off a hard day smoother than a fat joint. There is nothing that will help you start your day like a fat joint either. Also, there is no better way to continue your day than by smoking a fat joint.

The battle between stoners and drunks has been raging for centuries. It is time to settle this question once and for all using my very own flawless scientific testing method. Observe…

Test Number 1: Price

Weed: In most places a half ounce will run you around 25-30$ and last most stoners three or four days. If you buy the good stuff an eighth should cost you 50 USD and last you the same amount of time, if not a day or so longer. For an average of 50-60$ you can keep yourself nice and toasty all week long.

Beer: If you are drinking at home, your looking at spending 15$ or so on some good beer. If you are going to the bar, raise that to 30-35$. 40$ if your not a cheap ass and tip your bartender. In order to keep yourself drunk for a week you will need at least 200$.

Winner: Weed.

Test Number 2: Functionality

Weed: You can smoke all day long and no one you deal with will ever have the slightest of idea if you’re not a total noob. Covering up the smell is as easy as a couple of sprays of cheap cologne and Visine works flawlessly for the red eyes. Just don’t act like a dumb ass and you should be alright.

Beer: After so much, nothing can cover up the alcohol on your breath. Also people are going to know you’re drunk by the way you keep falling off your chair and yelling about the superiority of AMD to Intel to anyone within earshot.

Winner: Weed

Test Number 3: How attracted are women to the substance?

Weed: Most chicks quit smoking weed in their late twenties. Even those who still do don’t smoke as much. Also girls usually don’t get really horny off weed so it’s not really a good way to get a girl to agree to a good scrogging.

Beer: Most girls like some form of alcoholic beverage. Drunk girls are always a little less bitchy, not to mention easier to get in the sack. If you ever find a place where there is plenty of beer chances are there will be chicks hanging around as well.

Winner: Beer

Test Number 4: Legalities

Weed: While it is true it is illegal it is very hard to get busted with if you play it cool. It is usually a smaller package so it’s easier to hide or ditch if you have to. It is also very hard to get caught under the influence if you use the aforementioned Visine and smell-good spray as the police have no definite way to tell if you are intoxicated on marijuana.

Beer: While it is legal to drink it is not legal to wander the streets drunk. Public intoxication tickets are expensive and DUI’s can ruin a driving record. You are also more likely to fight with the cops and catch other charges while drunk.

Winner: Weed

Test Number 5: Intoxication factor

Weed: You can only get so stoned before you might as well be just puffing air. Depending on the quality of the herb, a few hits can do you in for the entire night. Even being that stoned, however, will not cause you to do wild shit you don’t remember.

Beer: Drink enough and you will do things you will never remember. Most of us have woken up in a place we don’t recognize with no idea how we got there or why we have some random chicks pink thong draped over our head. No matter how embarrassing of an act you pull, the excuse “I was drunk” is always acceptable.

Winner: Beer

Test Number 6: Fun

Weed: Weed can make sitting on the couch staring at a blank TV seem fun. Video games become something much more than just pixels on a screen. If you have to do something boring, weed can make it tolerable.

Beer: Beer makes any situation fun. If Custer’s troops at the Little Big Horn had beer, it would have been a much nicer slaughter for all involved. Beer can turn a quiet room full of Amish school teachers into a brothel full of sex starved stripper whores.

Winner: Beer

So, after careful scientific scrutiny, we arrive at a unanimous decision: it is a tie. Weed 3. Beer 3. Yes, I know, that was a lot of lead up just to be a tie. I still stand by my hypothesis. The question is now answered. Move along.