Bored Dead

1. You know that Camp doesn�t mean a cabin in the woods.

2. The men in your family were gardeners, farmers or produce workers.

3. The women in your family were seamstresses, domestic workers or farm laborers.

4. Your Issei grandparents had an arranged marriage.

5. One of your relatives was a “picture bride.”

6. You have Nisei relatives named Tak, Tad, George, Harry or Shig.

7. You have Nisei relatives named Keiko, Aiko, Sumi or Mary.

8. You�re Sansei and your name is Janice, Glen, Brian, Bill or Kenji.

9. You�re thinking of naming your Yonsei child, Brittany, Jenny, Lauren,Garett or

Brett, with a Japanese middle name.

10. All of your cousins are having hapa kids.

11. You have relatives who live in Hawaii.

12. You belong to a Japanese credit union

13. Wherever you live now, you always come home to the Obon festival.

14. The bushes in your front yard are trimmed into balls.

15. You have a kaki tree in the backyard.

16. You have at least one bag of sembei in the house at all times.

17. You have a Japanese doll in a glass case in your living room.

18. You have a nekko cat in your house for good luck.

19. You have large Japanese platters in your china cabinet.

20. You have the family mon and Japanese needlepoint on the wall.

21. You own a multicolored lime green polyester patchwork quilt.

22. Your grandma used to crochet all your blankets, potholders and dishtowels.

23. You check to see if you need to take off your shoes at your JA friends� houses.

24. When you visit other JAs, you give or receive a bag of fruits or vegetables.

25. When you visit other JAs, you know that you should bring omiage.

26. When you leave a JA house, you take leftover food home on a paper plate or a
Styrofoam meat tray.

27. You keep a supply of rubber bands, twist ties, butter and tofu containers in the

kitchen.

28. You have an air pump thermos covered with lilacs.

29. You know that Pat Morita doesn�t really speak like Mr. Miyagi.

30. You�re mad because Kristi Yamaguchi should have gotten more commercial
endorsements than Nancy Kerrigan.

31. You know someone who has run for the Nisei Queen Pageant.

32. When your back is sore, you use Tiger Balm or that flexi-stick with the rubber

ball on the end that goes, “katonk,” “katonk.”

33. After funerals, you go for Chinameshi.

34. After giving koden, you get stamps in the mail.

35. You fight fiercely for the check after dinner.

36. You�ve hidden money in the pocket of the person who paid for dinner.

37. You don�t need to read the instructions on the proper use of hashi.

38. You know that Benihana�s isn�t real Japanese food.

39. You eat soba on New Year�s Eve.

40. You start off the new year with a bowl of ozoni for good luck and the mochi

sticks to the roof of your mouth.

41. You know not to eat the tangerine on the top of the mochi at New Year�s.

42. You have a 12-pack of mochi in your freezer�that you still refuse to throw away

in July.

43. You pack bento for road trips.

44. Your grandma made the best sushi in town.

45. You cut all your carrots and hot dogs at an angle.

46. You know the virtues of SPAM.

47. You were eating Chinese chicken salad, years before everyone else.

48. You know what it means to eat “footballs.”

49. You grew up eating ambrosia, wontons and finger Jell-O at family potlucks.

50. You always use Best Foods mayonnaise and like to mix it with shoyu to dip

broccoli.

51. You use the “finger method” to measure the water for your rice cooker.

52. You grew up on rice: bacon fried rice, chili rice, curry rice or red rice.

53. You like to eat rice with your spaghetti.

54. You can�t start eating until you have a bowl of rice.

55. You use plastic Cool Whip containers to hold day-old rice.

56. You like to eat your rice in a chawan, not on a plate.

57. Along with salt and pepper, you have a shoyu dispenser at your table.

58. You have a jar of takuan in your fridge.

59. You buy rice 25 pounds at a time and shoyu a gallon at a time.

60. Natto: you either love it or hate it.

61. As a kid, you used to eat Botan rice candy.

62. You know the story of Momotaro.

63. You have a pet named Chibi or Shiro.

64. Someone you know, owns an Akita or Shiba dog.

65. You went to J-school and your best subject was recess.

66. At school, you had those Hello Kitty pencil boxes and sweet smelling erasers.

67. When you�re sick, you eat okayu.

68. Milk makes you queasy and alcohol turns your face red.

69. Your dad owns a Member�s Only jacket.

70. Someone you know drives an Acura Integra, Honda Accord or Toyota Camry.

71. You used to own one of those miniature zori keychains

72. You have a kaeru frog or good luck charm hanging in your car.

73. Your parents compare you to their friends� kids.

74. You hang on to the illusion that you are superior to other Asians.

75. Your dentist, doctor and optometrist is Japanese American.

76. You socialize with groups of eight or more people.

77. Whenever you�re with more than three people, it takes an hour to decide where

to eat.

78. You and your friends call yourselves “Buddaheads,” but don�t like it when white

people do.

79. You�ve heard your name pronounced a half-dozen different ways.

80. You know that E.O. 9066 isn�t a zip code.

81. You�re not superstitious but you believe in bachi.

82. You never take the last piece of food on a plate�but will cut it into smaller pieces.

83. As much as you want it, never ever take the last�anything. Enryo, enryo, enryo.

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming “Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!”, which the guy took to be pleasurable.

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said “Fujifoo”.

The Japanese clients looked confused and said “No, you got the right hole.”

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like “HONDA.” The man was besides himself. Every few minutes “HONDA”, “HONDA”…. Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said, “Ah, there’s the problem” “What is it?” the man asked. “Why you have an abscess,” said the dentist. “An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?” asked the man. “That’s easy,” replied the dentist. “Why everyone knows… Abscess makes the fart go Honda.”

Ways to be a perfect asian
Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white.

Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine.

Own a cellular phone.

Have only Asian friends.

Speak only in Asian languages.

Dress as though you’re headed for a party when you’re actually going to
class.

If you’re a girl, BE SURE TO STUFF YOUR BRA.

If you’re a guy, BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA.

Smoke even if you don’t know how to, especially if you’re with friends.

Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties.

Go to all the cool Asian “intercollegiate parties”!

Refuse to dance to anything but techno music.

Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare menacingly at all other
Asians.

Dance in circles at all parties and clubs.

If you’re a guy, BE SURE TO COP CHEAP FEELS OFF GIRLS YOU LIKE!

If you’re a girl, BE SURE TO RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR
EACH TIME YOU SEE A HOT GUY!

Wear only designer labels.

Make sure designer labels are extremely visible. Better yet, make sure that
the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel.

Own a pair of Doc Martens.

Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if you know
nothing about it.

Make sure your parents are doctors, or better yet, grocery store owners.

BELIEVE IN BARN JACKETS, J. CREW, AND TOMMY HILFIGER.

Make sure you install every possible option you can in your car.

Own a sports car.

Date only someone that a friend of yours has already dated.

Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school.

Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion.

Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.

If you’re a guy, make sure your hair looks like the head of a circumcised
penis.

If you’re a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of brown or red
for optimal “coolness.”

Two words: Manhattan Portage.

If you’re a guy, don’t be embarrassed that your penis is small. Instead,
simply make sure that its size is inversely related to the loudness of your
car’s engine.

If you’re a girl, don’t be embarrassed about your small chest. Instead,
make sure that its size is inversely related to the amount of make up on
your face.

If you’re a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.

If you’re Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look like a
goldfish.

Date only the people from your own clique, or even “a cooler one!”

If you’re in a group of 10 or more friends, stare menacingly at all
interracial couples you see.

If you’re a guy, start having insecurities and complain about the “theft” of
your women.

If you’re a girl… well, Asian men never date interracially anyway.

Top Reasons Why Asian Girls Hate Asian Guys
All you wannabes always talk about cars and how you want to fix it up and race and shit, but you don’t even got a car! you just be driving your mama’s Honda accord with your GOT RICE sticker on the bumper

You always wear the same shit on different days and spray the fake CK1 or the Uni shit.

You always have the same fades up the backside of your heads.

What’s up with the bleached bangs?

You always brag about your 2-inch killas! shoo, you’re Asian damn it, admit it!

You think that dropped Civics are cool but are played out.

You always brag about breaking and how you can freak and shit but you can’t move at all. so watch Soul Train and PRACTICE!

When you go to a party, you go in all the fixed up cars and leave your broke ass Datsun two blocks away.

You all go to the mall and “kick it” looking for all the 12 yr. old girls with their puffy marshmallow jackets or Nautica shirts with big boobs and their wonder bras.

You think that your import car is hella tight, but your mama paid for it, so get you broke ass to work.

On the phone, you guys try to sound all deep and always start a conversation with “Wassup…” but in person, you squeak like a damn mouse.

All you guys freaking share the same girl and you may think that you are all player, but realize that maybe you are the one being played. so there!

On your beepers you have a funky little song but it’s only background noise so stop and leave a damn message.

And when you receive a page you always say it’s your bitch, but it’s really your mama telling you to get your broke ass home cuz she needs her car to go to the market.

You always wear those skimpy “wife-beaters”, thinking you got a body to sport, but you got to get your ass to the gym and really look good.

All you freaking ugly guys get girls by having the nicest cars, but reality check! it’s your car we want and not you. “The nicer the car, the smaller the dick!”

All you deejays that let us in and say that you are using us for sex all the times, we faked the orgasms and hey, we got in the club didn’t we. and hey, we didn’t leave with you, we left with the bouncers, cuter than your asses.

Superficial and shallow? no, you conceited bastards take pictures squatting in front of your supposed fixed up car, but it’s not even yours.

And when you stand up, you scrunch your crotch making a bigger bulge, but the truth is you are just checking if it’s still there, or if the sock is still in place.

You guys that sag your pants, are just trying hide your flat ass, and you always probably buy 2 sizes bigger shoes making your feet look bigger, but it’s not. Chill with your size 7 shoes already.

And in the chat rooms, you assholes ask “where are all the fine girls at” and also ask “anyone got a gif to trade” but you don’t got one yourself.

You think that any girl with long straight hair, big fake boobs, and a tight midriff is fine but all you want to do is fuck her.

You think that bumping music in your car is dope, so that all the cars around you vibrate.

But you are only hurting yours, ours, and your mamas ears. watch out, you are gonna get a fixing ticket.

On your Honda’s and Acura’s, your headlights are different and damn that’s annoying, but watch out you are gonna get a fixing ticket again. And your mama’s gonna take the car away.

Hey and you guys that wear FUBU, army looking pants, beenies with sunglasses, and warm-ups with slippers and dirty socks, that’s out and for one thing, UGLY. Do you guys share clothes?

You think that taking a shower is rinsing your hair in the sink. yuck!

You guys drool over car magazines and wish you had the cars that them fob girls owned.

And about your dick size, shoe size x’s 2 divided by three… equals the length of your manhood, which isn’t much huh?

When it’s 100 degrees outside, you guys wear those puffy jackets or all match with your Nautica jackets.

And you tell your guy friends that you went to a club and got a grip of numbers, actually it’s another guys number who just wants to know where you got your car fixed up at.

You guys that sport that “baller look” only have it to say you ball and you always keep those damn clean, but HELLO! if you balled, you would think…

And you guys that got an automatic car, you pretend it’s a stick, revving it like a stick and making it sound like a stick by downshifting to 2nd gear.

You guys use your damn fake id’s to get cigarettes, but you get caught.

Older guys go to them all ages clubs and hook up with a 13 yr. old and then you tell your homeboys that they are 18.

You wannabe gangsters have your guns, but are damn cowards anyway. And when something does go down, you say you are gonna go to the car to get your gat, but you come back when everything is over.

When you guys mack with your girl, you think licking her ears is a turn on but look it feels nasty and makes this funny noise that makes us grind our teeth. stop it alright its sick..

You guys think you could get us into bed and say we are easy. But guess what. We just have to fulfill an urge..

This is to all you wannabe sweet talking guys please chew some gum before you say anything to us because that breath be kicking worse than BRUCE LEE.

1. You are immune to the smell of “the kimchi breath.”
2. You no longer come to a complete stop at the stop sign and you never yield the right-of-way.
3. You can pick up a single strand of noodles with chopsticks.
4. You ask for more “ko-chu” because the kimchi-chige soup is not hot enough.
5. You enjoy slurping your noodles as loudly as you can.
6. Your back is sore from bowing.
7. You walk down the street holding hands with your buddy.
8. You ask your wife to stand outside with a baseball bat to protect your public parking space in front of the house.
9. You can eat barefooted in a restaurant with a foot in your lap.
10. You can cut in at the front of the line of waiting people with the best of them.
11. You look forward to winter in your off post housing so you can store beer and frozen foods in your bedroom or bathroom.
12. You can fall asleep on the city bus and wake up at your stop.
13. You can shovel in an entire bowl of rice and half a course of Bulkogi into your mouth before you swallow.
14. You rather watch local TV than AFKN.
15. You can make a left turn looking only to the right.
16. You can convert any US unit measurements into metric measurements in your head.
17. You look forward to Chusok and the Lunar New Year each year.
18. You think that Korea’s greatest natural resource is good looking young women.
19. You only lock your door if there are lots of “Mi-gooks” around.
20. People ask if you want to go by car and you respond, “No, I’m in a hurry.”
21. Someone says, “Bed,” and you think “Yol.”
22. You realize that it is safer to “J” walk than use a pedestrian crosswalk.
23. You wear white socks with a dark suit.
24. You can use a public bathroom for both genders and think nothing of it.
25. You know every interchange on the Seoul-Pusan Expressway by heart.
26. You know all the words to the Korean National Anthem and you enjoy singing it.
27. You don’t need a restroom to relieve yourself.
28. You crawl back into your house to get your coat, rather than take your shoes back off and walk on the floor with shoes on.
29. You bow at inanimate objects.
30. You walk around humming the tune the crosswalk signal lights play.
31. You enjoy shopping at a local open market place more than Main PX or Commissary.
32. Someone says breakfast, you think of “fish, soup and seaweed.”
33. You’d rather sit on the floor than in a chair.
34. You start believing that you can blend into a large crowd of Koreans.
35. All your shoes are bent flat in the back.
36. You let your eyes be drawn towards any female whose hair isn’t black.
37. You answer the phone by saying “yoboseyo,” and sometimes even at the office.
38. Someone says “mansion” and you think of a two bedroom flat in a 400-unit apartment building.
39. You mutter “Aigu” when lifting a heavy objects.
40. You suck in air through your teeth before saying “no” to anything.
41. You start growling and spitting inside your mouth to add emphasis to what you are about to say.
42. You can convert Hangul into English without repeating it to yourself first.
43. You always wave your left hand to signal you are going to cut in front of another driver without looking first.
44. You select shoes based on how easily you can get them on and off.
45. You answer “Nhe” even when speaking English to non-Korean friends.
46. You carry chopsticks in your back pocket.
47. You enjoy putting lots of red pepper sauce on your salads or French-fries.
48. You don’t freak out when the salad arrives with octopus legs still wiggling on top of it.
49. You are not embarrassed when old ladies are standing in a bus while you are sitting down.
50. You like OB or Crown better than Bud or Miller.

• You own two refrigerators, and one is just used for storing Kimchee.
• She gets upset if you refer to the above as the Kimchee Box.
• She gets upset if you put anything other than Kimchee in the Kimchee Box.
• She lacks common sense, or for the politically correct: Faulty Logic.
• You have more than one type of Kimchee.
• She assures you that the meat bought in the open market is better, even if it still has the AAFES tag on it.
• Believes that any product bought in the open market is better, even if it still has the AAFES tag on it.
• She has 101 uses for Soju.
• She uses Soju as a cleaning product.
• She uses Soju for medical purposes. (Disinfectant.)
• She will go to an American restaurant to eat Korean Food and insists that it tastes better than served in a Korean restaurant.
• She believes wearing platform shoes is sexy.
• She wears a mini skirt in the winter, then complains that it is cold.
• The main ingredient in the food you eat at home is garlic.
• She eats non-Korean food with Kimchee.
• She won’t eat spoiled food, but does not have a problem with Kimchee.
• You own a dining room table that is less than 1 foot high.
• You own more chopsticks than you do forks and spoons.
• She doesn’t drink tap water until after it’s been boiled, but she’ll make ice with it.
• She thinks fish head soup is a delicacy.
• You can not watch TV on Mondays because the puzzle show is on.
• You can not watch TV on Sunday because Super Sunday is on.
• You don’t rent videos unless they are subtitled.
• A meal is not complete without Kimchee.
• She won’t eat American food unless served with a side of Kimchee.
• She believes that the floor is more comfortable to sleep on than the bed.
• You have an electric blanket on 356 days a year.
• You turn on a fan in the summer but still have the electric blanket on.
• You burn your butt sitting on the floor.
• You believe that controlled drugs can be bought over the counter.
• You go to the pharmacy to buy an IV.
• You do not own any chairs in your house.
• You refuse to own any Japanese products in your house.
• The only thing she knows how to do on your computer is play solitaire.
• Everyone she introduces you to is either a brother or a sister.
• Her immediate family moves into your house permanently.
• Everything in your house either has the logo Samsung or LG.
• She can’t buy clothes unless they have a logo on them.
• She owns a beeper/pager that has a gold chain attached to it.
• She gets mad when you flush toilet paper down the toilet.
• She won’t buy clothes from a store that is going out of business because she believes there is something wrong with the clothes.
• She believes that 1000 Won is enough money for lunch.
• She believes going out to dinner is going down the street to the Soju tent.
• You eat Ramen and kimchee for breakfast.
• You go to the open market to buy one thing and leave with both arms full.
• You own more than one type of Ramen in your house.
• She believes that Ramen, Rice, Soju, and Kimchee are the 4 basic food groups.
• You answer the phone in your house with “YOBO-SAY-O.”
• You heat a dried squid over an open flame.
• You eat dried squid with mayonnaise.