viagra

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

My girlfriend was giving me a great blowjob last night.

Wait a minute she said,you’re married aren’t you.
Yes,I replied.

Well why doesn’t your wife give you oral sex.

Don’t be stupid,that’s the mouth that kisses me goodnight.

MAGAZINES:
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn’t be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?’

- Vibrators don’t have problems with gas … Nor do they hog the remote … Nor the computer!

- We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.

- Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.

- Position is your choice, not his.

- You don’t have to suck it.

- It works “while” the sports games are on.

- It always is hard.

- It doesn’t leave a mess behind.

- You don’t have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

- It doesn’t care that you gained 10 lbs.

- It doesn’t fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

- You don’t have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

- You don’t have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.

- You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!

- They don’t get tired after the first time.

- They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.

- They never drink too much and embarrass you.

- You don’t have to tell the vibrator he’s the best you ever had!

- Vibrators don’t prematurely ejaculate.

- Safe sex without a rubber.

- Vibrators don’t ask who your Daddy is.

- Vibrators last as long as YOU want them to last.

- You don’t have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !

- As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going!

- Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!

- Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!

- They never ask how they were.

- They don’t burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

- You don’t have to dress up for your vibrator.

- You don’t have to stroke its ego.

- They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.

- It doesn’t leave a wet spot.

- You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed it.

- It doesn’t require “a little lip action” to get hard

- It has no problem finding the “g spot.”

- You know exactly where its been.

- Vibrators don’t care if you get crumbs in the bed.

Today’s instructions,….Your Turn, Tag your it…

1. The reason why our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we’re watching football with you–it’s not bonding–it’s their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.

6. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn’t ask in bed.

8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of “who’s easy”?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don’t care.

11. When you’re not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don’t mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance — in fact — please do !!!

13. When you’re out with us, please wear “our” favourite outfit rather than “yours” — the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.

15. Don’t insist that we “get off the damn phone” and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily “women’s work”; besides, most of the “dirt” and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

~ Coffee doesn’t mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.

~ You won’t get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.

~ Coffee never runs out.

~ No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

~ You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

~ When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
~ Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
~ Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.

~ White men can take black coffee home to their parents.
~ Coffee doesn’t complain when you put whipped cream on it.
~ You can always heat up coffee.
~ Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.

~ If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn’t put on weight.
~ Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

She Ain’t Easy – But …Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â And Yes Carl I know she is your Favorite !!!!!!!!!

She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.

She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.

She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.

She’s turned more tricks than Houdini has.

She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible.

She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.

She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.

She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins has.

She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

She’s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare has.

She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s Cube.

She’s spent more time under men than barstools.

She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.

She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

She’s had more marines land on her bed than on Iwo Jima.

Hoover classifies her tongue as a vacuum cleaner.

Her body has been declared a national recreation area.

Her diaphragms come with a service contract.

Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.

Her pantyhose has a pet door.

Be Politically Correct With Women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

Pregnancy and Birth – F.A.Q.

• Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ?
  A: You’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all
• 
• Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
  A: A misconception
• 
• Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
  A: Have sex just once a year
• 
• Q: What is a chastity belt ?
  A: A labor-saving device
• 
• Q: When does a woman’s biological clock start ticking ?
  A: Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, “On my God, crow’s feet !”
• 
• Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
  A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant
• 
• Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex ?
  A: Childbirth
• 
• Q: Should I have a baby after 35 ?
  A. No, 35 children is way too many already
• 
• Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ?
  A: With any luck, right after he finishes college
• 
• Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu ?
  A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better
• 
• Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory ?
  A: Most of the ladies I asked don’t remember
• Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
  A: Yes, your bladder
• 
• Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving ?
  A: Depends on what your doing with them
• Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why ?
  A: Cause you’re fatter then they are,
• Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she’s borderline irrational.
  A: So what’s your question ?
• Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor ?
  A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman
• Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold ?
  A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him
• Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
  A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder
• Q: What are forceps ?
  A: Giant baby tweezers
• Q: What’s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman ?
  A: Brute force
• Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped ?
  A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful !
• Q: How long is the average woman in labor ?
  A: Whatever she says, divided by two
• Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right ?
  A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current
• Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
  A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant
• Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor ?
  A: Not unless the word “alimony” is a concern for you
• Q: I’m modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position ?
  A: Authorized hospital personnel only — doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
• Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning ?
  A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it’s way out of you
• Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth ?
  A: Yes, pregnancy
• Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids ?
  A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for
• Q: When should a baby not be circumcised ?
  A: When it’s a girl.
• Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk ?
  A: In your breasts
• Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps ?
  A: Yes, baby lips
• Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth ?
  A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse
• Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing ?
  A: When you see teeth marks
• Q: What is the grasp reflex ?
  A: The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts.
• Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing ?
  A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
• Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away ?
  A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in case of global chemical warfare.
• Q: Do I have to have a baby shower ?
  A: Not if your change the baby’s diaper very quickly
• Q: What causes baby blues ?
  A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos
• Q: What is colic ?
  A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control
• Q: What are night terrors ?
  A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again
• Q: Nannies aren’t cheap are they ?
  A: Not usually, but occasionally you’ll find a floozy
• Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born ?
  A: No, but your husband will most likely get on your nerves
• Q: What are the terrible twos ?
  A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey
• Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to act normal ?
  A: Possibly when the kids are in college

· Why don’t men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!

· Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, “I don’t know.”
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, “Ohhhhhh.”

· Why are vibrators better than men?
Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don’t have to do their laundry!

· Why do men die before their wives?
They should.

· What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need……..
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

· How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.

· Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.

· What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

· Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.

· How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.

· Why is virginity like a balloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it’s gone.

· What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

· How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

· Why are men like strawberries?
Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.

· Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

· Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it’s never used.

· What do UFO’s and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

· Why is dating like a game of cards?
Because if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

· How do you confuse a man?
You don’t have to – they’re born that way

· Why don’t women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they dribble before they shoot.

· What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority

· What’s the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don’t have to ask – you can see who the best man is.

· What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down

· What’s the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.

· How can you tell if your husband’s dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.

· What food describes most men?
Jerky.

· Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.

· How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

· Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.

· What’s the hardest thing to teach a man?
How to operate a waste basket.

· What’s the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

· Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.

· Then there’s the jigsaw puzzle for men.
It only has one piece, And most of the time, it’s missing.

· Why did God create men?
She forgot to put the legs on snakes.

· Why women like bidets?
Because men don’t know what they are.

· How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.

· Do you always tell your husband when you’ve had an orgasm?
No way! I’m not going to call home every time!

· When does a man develop a brain?
The day he gets married.

· Why did the man sell his water skis?
He couldn’t find a lake on a hill.

· How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks “harass” is two words

· Why don’t men die in their sleep?
‘Cuz they can’t do two things at the same time.

· What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
A Myth.

· Why do women always wear black to bed?
To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!

· Why did God Create man first?
1. Practice makes perfect.
2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately.
3. There’s a frist draft with anything.
4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes.
5. First is the worst………Second is the best!
6. To be funny

· Woman: “I got a set of golf clubs for my husband”
Friend: “GREAT trade!”

· How do you scare a man ?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

· Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?

· Did you really throw your husband out on the street naked, for taking a bath with Bubbles?
Yes I did, and I threw Bubbles out too.

· Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

· “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

· How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
She asks them for a commitment.

· If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

· Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

· How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.

· Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

· How does a man show he’s planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

· How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

· How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.

· Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

· Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.

· What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train

· Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

· Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

· What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

· What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

· Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

· What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

· What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

· Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

· What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention.

· How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.

· What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

· Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

· Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

· Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

· Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

· How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

· What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

· Why are men like chocolate candies?
They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it’s either too small, gross, or stuck to the top.

· What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A man who told too many blonde jokes.

· What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

· How do men sort their laundry?
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.

· Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

· Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn’t stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

· What is the thinnest book in the world?
“What men know about women.”

· How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One – men will screw anything.
B.One – men will screw up anything.
C.Five – one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

· How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

· What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

· How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He’s breathing.

· What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

· How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

· What do men and beer have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

· How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? Did it ever happen??

· How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

· What is a man’s idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

· What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

· What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

· Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

· Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains

· How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

· Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

· How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

· Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

· What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
A. No mind.
B. No business.

· Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won’t accept a 3½” floppy.”

· What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?
Exchange him.

· Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

· What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

· Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

· Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.

· What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

· Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.

· What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!

· Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

· You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
The female brains are sold as “used”

· Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?

· Why did the man cross the road?
Who knows why the hell men do anything?

· How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

· Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

· How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn’t need it anyway.

· Why is a hard man good to find?
You don’t have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

· What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

· How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to “Instruction Manual.”

· Why do women make better soldiers than men?
Because they can bleed for a week and still not die

Rules that Guys Wish Women Knew

1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up put it down.
2. Do not cut your hair. Ever.

3. Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Get rid of your cat.

5. Sunday = Sports.
6. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.

7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. You have enough clothes.

9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you do not dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, do not expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we do not look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Do not rub the lamp if you do not want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done … not both.
23. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
24. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Free DSL Speed Test Click offered on Net-Span.com, A trusted partner of BoredDead.com no fees no joining anything.

Stages of Drunkenness

Stage 1 – SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

• Women especially love a bargain. The question of ‘need’ is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
• Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you ‘just don’t understand’.
• Women need to cry. And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
• Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
• Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
• Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That’s why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
• Women don’t need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
• Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there’s a spider or a wasp involved.
• Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
• Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
• Women can’t refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she’s doing. It might be the lottery calling.
• Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had an ‘on/off’ switch.
• Women think all beer is the same.
• Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
• Women don’t understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
• If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.
• Women brush their hair before bed.
• Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you’ll have a pretty good idea about how she’ll be in bed.
• Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
• Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man’s responsibility, ‘It’s there in the Bible’. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
• Women do not know anything about cars. ‘Oil-stick, oil doesn’t stick?’
• Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
• The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
• Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
• Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
• Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
• Women don’t try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don’t fall asleep afterwards.
• Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’
• PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
• The first naked man a woman sees is ‘Ken’.
• Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
• Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
• ‘Oh, nothing,’ has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
• Lewis Carroll’s Caterpillar had nothing on women.
• Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
• All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
• If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?’
• Only women understand the reason for ‘guest towels’ and the ‘good china’.
• Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
• If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
• Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they ‘left the seat up’ instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
• Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
• Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
• Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
• It’s okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don’t see straight men dancing together.
• Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they’ll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
• The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don’t hear men say, ‘Oh-my-GOD, there’s another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!’

Are you tired of those asinine “friendship” poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here’s a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad – I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue – I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile – I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared – I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried – I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused – I will use little words.

7. When you are sick – Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall – I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.