Advice - Part 2

Things Not To Say To Your Parents While At College…

Things Not To Say To Your Parents While At College…

Are you saying that I’m not good enough for Jack-in-the-Box?
Hey dad, are there any openings at your office?
I’m converting!
I’m coming out of the closet! Just kidding…hello? hello, anyone there?
I don’t know, I think a nipple ring is very fashion conscience.
Who are you again?
Mom, you too can be saved.
I need more money for my gambling ring.
Hold on a second, I have to get rid of the body.
Have you ever tried Vivarin! I mean a lot of it at once! It’s amazing. I wrote two papers, memorized the Spanish to English dictionary, made sis a sweater, invented a new way to dry laundry, and I- my, my heart.. I can’t bre-
From now on, you’ll call me Mohammed.
I’d love to talk to you, but I have more important things in my life to do.
Is it possible to get a 12-year old girl pregnant?
Hey mom, you know how you and dad got married at 20, well…
This is my home away from home. I have new friends, and a family here with two kids and – um, forget what I just said.
And I joined the Republican party!
I just can’t take it anymore. The pressure! The Pressure! Aaaaaaaaaaah! (Click)
Mom, send me some neosporin. I seem to have a lot of cold sores.
When are you coming to visit! I really want to see you!

Filed Under: "PERSONAL" ADVERTISEMENTS, Advice, college

Today’s instruction

Today’s instructions,….Your Turn, Tag your it…

1. The reason why our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we’re watching football with you–it’s not bonding–it’s their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.

6. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn’t ask in bed.

8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of “who’s easy”?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don’t care.

11. When you’re not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don’t mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance — in fact — please do !!!

13. When you’re out with us, please wear “our” favourite outfit rather than “yours” — the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.

15. Don’t insist that we “get off the damn phone” and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily “women’s work”; besides, most of the “dirt” and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

Filed Under: Advice, All About Women, Today's instruction Tagged With: dating, instruction, women

Answers To Everything

Answers To Everything

What’s the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you’re really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you’re leading a pathetic life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Lets just be friends.”

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

What’s the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time.” A Southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

Filed Under: Advice, Answers To Everything, Bored Dead Tagged With: Answers, bored, Boyfriends, Dentist Jokes, Girlfriends

Pregnancy and Birth – F.A.Q.

Pregnancy and Birth – F.A.Q.

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ?
A: You’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all
Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
A: A misconception
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
A: Have sex just once a year
Q: What is a chastity belt ?
A: A labor-saving device
Q: When does a woman’s biological clock start ticking ?
A: Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, “On my God, crow’s feet !”
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex ?
A: Childbirth
Q: Should I have a baby after 35 ?
A. No, 35 children is way too many already
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu ?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better
Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory ?
A: Most of the ladies I asked don’t remember
Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
A: Yes, your bladder
Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving ?
A: Depends on what your doing with them
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why ?
A: Cause you’re fatter then they are,
Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question ?
Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor ?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman
Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold ?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him
Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder
Q: What are forceps ?
A: Giant baby tweezers
Q: What’s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman ?
A: Brute force
Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped ?
A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful !
Q: How long is the average woman in labor ?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right ?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant
Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor ?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” is a concern for you
Q: I’m modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position ?
A: Authorized hospital personnel only — doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning ?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it’s way out of you
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth ?
A: Yes, pregnancy
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids ?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for
Q: When should a baby not be circumcised ?
A: When it’s a girl.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk ?
A: In your breasts
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps ?
A: Yes, baby lips
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth ?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing ?
A: When you see teeth marks
Q: What is the grasp reflex ?
A: The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing ?
A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away ?
A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in case of global chemical warfare.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower ?
A: Not if your change the baby’s diaper very quickly
Q: What causes baby blues ?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos
Q: What is colic ?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control
Q: What are night terrors ?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again
Q: Nannies aren’t cheap are they ?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you’ll find a floozy
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born ?
A: No, but your husband will most likely get on your nerves
Q: What are the terrible twos ?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to act normal ?
A: Possibly when the kids are in college

Filed Under: Advice, All About Women, Bored Dead, Girls should Know, Pregnancy and Birth

Modern Medical Terms

St Mom’s Wort

This is a plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EmptyNestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo
This is a liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup.

Menicillin
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person.”

Buyagra
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BuyOneall
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr Laura.

JackAsspirin
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Ragamet
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Damitol
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go fly a kite for up to 8 hours.

Filed Under: Advice, Bored Dead, Mom's Evolution, Rules for Life

What I Want In A Man, ORIGINAL List

———————————–
1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially Successful

4. A Caring Listener

5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style

8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, REVISED List

———————————-

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn’t nod off while I’m emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

Filed Under: Advice, Bored Dead, Girl talk, ORIGINAL List, What I Want In A Man

Men

Why don’t men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!
Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, “I don’t know.”
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, “Ohhhhhh.”
Why are vibrators better than men?
Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don’t have to do their laundry!
Why do men die before their wives?
They should.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need……..
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.
How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.
Why is virginity like a baloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it’s gone.
What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.
Why are men like strawberries?
Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it’s never used.
What do UFO’s and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.
Why is dating like a game of cards?
Because if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
How do you confuse a man?
You don’t have to – they’re born that way
Why don’t women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they dribble before they shoot.
What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority
What’s the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don’t have to ask – you can see who the best man is.
What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down
What’s the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.
How can you tell if your husband’s dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.
What food describes most men?
Jerky.
Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.
How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?
Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.
What’s the hardest thing to teach a man?
How to operate a waste basket.
What’s the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.
Then there’s the jigsaw puzzle for men.
It only has one piece, And most of the time, it’s missing.
Why did God create men?
She forgot to put the legs on snakes.
Why women like bidets?
Because men don’t know what they are.
How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.
Do you always tell your husband when you’ve had an orgasm?
No way! I’m not going to call home every time!
When does a man develop a brain?
The day he gets married.
Why did the man sell his water skis?
He couldn’t find a lake on a hill.
How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks “harass” is two words
Why don’t men die in their sleep?
‘Cuz they can’t do two things at the same time.
What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
A Myth.
Why do women always wear black to bed?
To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!
Why did God Create man first?
1. Practice makes perfect.
2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately.
3. There’s a frist draft with anything.
4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes.
5. First is the worst………Second is the best!
6. To be funny
Woman: “I got a set of golf clubs for my husband”
Friend: “GREAT trade!”
How do you scare a man ?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?
Did you really throw your husband out on the street naked, for taking a bath with Bubbles?
Yes I did, and I threw Bubbles out too.
Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.
“Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”
How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
She asks them for a commitment.
If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.
Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he’s planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Why are men like chocolate candies?
They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it’s either too small, gross, or stuck to the top.
What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A man who told too many blonde jokes.
What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn’t stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
“What men know about women.”
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One – men will screw anything.
B.One – men will screw up anything.
C.Five – one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He’s breathing.
What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
What do men and beer have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? Did it ever happen??
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
What is a man’s idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them
What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
A. No mind.
B. No business.
Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won’t accept a 3Â½” floppy.”
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
The female brains are sold as “used”
Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
Why did the man cross the road?
Who knows why the hell men do anything?
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn’t need it anyway.
Why is a hard man good to find?
You don’t have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.
What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to “Instruction Manual.”
Why do women make better soldiers than men?
Because they can bleed for a week and still not die

Filed Under: Advice, Bored Dead, Girl talk, Men

Classes for men at your local adult learning center

Classes for men at your local adult learning center

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 – How to fill up the ice cube trays.
A step by step guide, with slide presentation for men only.

Topic 2 – The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion.

Topic 3 – Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub?
Group practice.

Topic 4 – Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 – The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Topic 6 – Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 – Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 8 – Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 – Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 – Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 11 – Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 – How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 – How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

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Filed Under: Advice, Are You Normal, Bored Dead, Free Speed Test, Sexy Jokes, Womanâ€™s Dictionary

Ways To Annoy Osama Bin Laden and his terrorist friends

Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.

Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, “Doesn’t that sound a lot like a B-52?”

Ask him if he’s looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan’s favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.

Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.

Order him ten Domino’s pizzas with extra ham topping.

Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven’t seen “Sex and the City” for weeks.

Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.

Switch all the CD’s in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he’ll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.

Mine his bathroom.

Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.

Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.com

Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.AmIhotOrNot.com

Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.

Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you’ll get to “kick his ass every day for eternity”.

Refer to him as “Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden”.

Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.

Tell him it’s lovely what he’s done with his cave, but that it’d look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

Claim you once saw him at a Hooter’s in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.

Ask him if he wouldn’t mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.

Tell him that this is the worst pyjama party you’ve ever attended.

Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.

Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.

Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.

Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.

Ask him if he’s pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the “Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd” Jihad.

Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, “Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!”

Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.

They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who’s having a baby on Friends.

Warn him that you’re “in a New York state of mind.”

Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they’ve ever thought of modeling.

Ask him, “say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?” just in case he’ll be caught off guard and answer correctly.

Give him a “noogie” or a “wedgie”. If there’s actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a “swirlie”.*

Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your “holy lands” and blow up his hotels.

Offer to take him “clubbing” in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.

When you leave, wave and say, “Shalom!”

Filed Under: Advice, Bored Dead, Girl talk, Ways to Annoy

Rules for Life

Rules for Life

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately “works.”

4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. “There” is no better than “here,” When your “there” has become a “here,” you will simply obtain another “there” that again, looks better than “here.”

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. The answers lie inside you. The answers to life’s questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

Filed Under: Advice, Bored Dead, Rules for Life

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10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

and yes Carl this one is a Good One !

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

and yes Carl, we new you would like her.

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Filed Under: Advice, Bored Dead, DATING MY DAUGHTER, Doing our part, Interesting, Planned Parenthood, Romance, Sexy Jokes

2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up, put it down.

3. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Get rid of your cat.

5. Sunday = TV Sports.

6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

7. You have too many shoes.

8. Crying is blackmail.

9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

10. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

11. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â

Â Â Â Â Â We’re bound to miss sometimes.

12. Simple “yes” and “no” are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways Â Â Â Â

Â Â Â Â Â makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

16. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty

Â Â Â Â Â you are?

17. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done â€“

Â Â Â Â Â Â not both.

18. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.

19. You have enough clothes.

20. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.

Filed Under: Advice, Bored Dead

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