Bored Dead

This was sent to us via Carmin and we laughed so hard we had to use it. Thanks Carmin from Sedona again.

This diary of moving to Arizona has made it’s way around emails and the Internet thousands of times. I have seen so many versions for so many cities (even a snowy version for Wisconsin) that I’m sure it can no longer be attributed to any author. I certainly didn’t write it! (But one of the funniest things we have read.)

People who move to Arizona, though, can easily identify with it. You’d better read this–this could be your diary!

Arizona Diary

May 15th: Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 108 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car, work in an air-conditioned office. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work; what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 25th: Dry heat, my butt. Hot is hot! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman charged $250 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,600 in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

August 4th: 115 degrees! Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $1,200 and gets the temperature down to about 90. I hate this [expletive deleted] state.

August 8th: If another wise a** cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to tear his [expletive deleted] throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and no deodorant works well enough!

August 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny. It’s been too hot to sleep for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren damn desert? $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the [expletive deleted] pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat.

August 14th: Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 120 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the [expletive deleted] windshield out of the BMW. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,600 house payment to bail me out of jail.

August 30th: Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The [expletive deleted] monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The BMW is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. nobody told me about staying out of the washes during a “flash flood” warning. That does it. We’re moving back to California and buying a house next to the freeway for some peace and quiet.

- Vibrators don’t have problems with gas … Nor do they hog the remote … Nor the computer!

- We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.

- Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.

- Position is your choice, not his.

- You don’t have to suck it.

- It works “while” the sports games are on.

- It always is hard.

- It doesn’t leave a mess behind.

- You don’t have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

- It doesn’t care that you gained 10 lbs.

- It doesn’t fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

- You don’t have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

- You don’t have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.

- You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!

- They don’t get tired after the first time.

- They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.

- They never drink too much and embarrass you.

- You don’t have to tell the vibrator he’s the best you ever had!

- Vibrators don’t prematurely ejaculate.

- Safe sex without a rubber.

- Vibrators don’t ask who your Daddy is.

- Vibrators last as long as YOU want them to last.

- You don’t have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !

- As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going!

- Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!

- Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!

- They never ask how they were.

- They don’t burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

- You don’t have to dress up for your vibrator.

- You don’t have to stroke its ego.

- They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.

- It doesn’t leave a wet spot.

- You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed it.

- It doesn’t require “a little lip action” to get hard

- It has no problem finding the “g spot.”

- You know exactly where its been.

- Vibrators don’t care if you get crumbs in the bed.

Attention all Heterosexual Men!

Are you disillusioned by your lifestyle? Do you want more from life besides monster truck shows? Do Budweiser commercials confuse you? Are you tired of being a year behind in fashion? Do you wish you had a nice apartment like the ones you see on “Will & Grace”?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Act now, and you’ll be on your way to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL! We are now recruiting heterosexual men ages.

18-65 (please no older than 65 — that’s just creepy) to become homosexuals.

Let us assist you in your transformation from bland to beautiful! We’ll give you all the steps you’ll need to be a happy fairy, such as:

* Drag make-up tips!

* How to have sex with a man WITHOUT the six pack of beer!

* How to decorate with frills and throw pillows to brighten up any room!

* Essential Madonna and Cher records to own

* That tongue trick invented circa 1978 in some alley in NYC

* Ricky Martin’s fan club address

* Style and grooming tips NO self respecting gay would be without (hope you’re not too attached to that uni-brow)

* How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (we’ll insert a few bucks to get you started)

* Finger-snapping lessons, and a dialect coach to assist in “gaylingo”

* Learn important historical dates, like: the year Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbra’s wedding anniversary, and the day Judy died!

ACT NOW AND YOU’LL RECEIVE A CLOSET DOOR HINGE TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR FREEDOM!

Don’t delay any longer! Do you want to have more women hanging off you than when you were straight? Aren’t you tired of the snickers whenever you walk into a room? Call 1-800-976-HOMO to BEGIN YOUR LIFE AS A FABULOUS FAG!!! Call today. Operators are standing by.

If Men wrote advice columns, The world would be a better place. If Men wrote advice columns, There would be no arguments. If Men wrote advice columns, There would be only bliss. Take a look at some sample advice columns already written.