This was sent to us via Carmin and we laughed so hard we had to use it. Thanks Carmin from Sedona again.

This diary of moving to Arizona has made it’s way around emails and the Internet thousands of times. I have seen so many versions for so many cities (even a snowy version for Wisconsin) that I’m sure it can no longer be attributed to any author. I certainly didn’t write it! (But one of the funniest things we have read.)

People who move to Arizona, though, can easily identify with it. You’d better read this–this could be your diary!

Arizona Diary

May 15th: Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 108 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car, work in an air-conditioned office. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work; what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 25th: Dry heat, my butt. Hot is hot! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman charged $250 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,600 in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

August 4th: 115 degrees! Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $1,200 and gets the temperature down to about 90. I hate this [expletive deleted] state.

August 8th: If another wise a** cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to tear his [expletive deleted] throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and no deodorant works well enough!

August 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny. It’s been too hot to sleep for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren damn desert? $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the [expletive deleted] pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat.

August 14th: Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 120 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the [expletive deleted] windshield out of the BMW. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,600 house payment to bail me out of jail.

August 30th: Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The [expletive deleted] monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The BMW is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. nobody told me about staying out of the washes during a “flash flood” warning. That does it. We’re moving back to California and buying a house next to the freeway for some peace and quiet.

How Shit Happens

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, “This is crock of shit, and it stinks.”

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful..”

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And that, my friends, is how shit happens.

MAGAZINES:
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn’t be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?’

Female comebacks!

Guy:how do you like your eggs in the morning?

woman:unfertilized

Guy:my place or yours??

Woman: both, I’ll go to mine and you’ll go to yours!

Guy: is this seat empty?

Woman: yeah,and this one will be if you sit down!

Guy:Hey baby whats your sign?

Woman:Do not enter

Guy: I would go to the end of the world for you!

Woman: Yeah, but would you stay there?

Guy: If I saw you naked, I’d die happy!

Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

Guy: Have I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore!

Guy:what do you do for a living?

Woman:I’m a female impersonator.

Guy:your body is like a temple!

Woman:Sorry,there are no services today.

(If you bothered to read this far I am truly impressed), and to busy to load has confused the crap out of me.

- Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you.

- Fox is starting a new show about you: “America’s Least Wanted.”

- You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets.

- The babes just don’t seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform.

- You’re taking private tutorials with Jocelyn Elders.

- You have one of those handsome Ito beards … and you’re a woman.

- The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower administration.

- You spend your vacation chasin’ lizards.

- The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy.

- You ain’t a Gingrich, but your nickname’s “Newt.”

- Vibrators don’t have problems with gas … Nor do they hog the remote … Nor the computer!

- We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.

- Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.

- Position is your choice, not his.

- You don’t have to suck it.

- It works “while” the sports games are on.

- It always is hard.

- It doesn’t leave a mess behind.

- You don’t have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

- It doesn’t care that you gained 10 lbs.

- It doesn’t fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

- You don’t have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

- You don’t have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.

- You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!

- They don’t get tired after the first time.

- They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.

- They never drink too much and embarrass you.

- You don’t have to tell the vibrator he’s the best you ever had!

- Vibrators don’t prematurely ejaculate.

- Safe sex without a rubber.

- Vibrators don’t ask who your Daddy is.

- Vibrators last as long as YOU want them to last.

- You don’t have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !

- As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going!

- Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!

- Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!

- They never ask how they were.

- They don’t burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

- You don’t have to dress up for your vibrator.

- You don’t have to stroke its ego.

- They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.

- It doesn’t leave a wet spot.

- You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed it.

- It doesn’t require “a little lip action” to get hard

- It has no problem finding the “g spot.”

- You know exactly where its been.

- Vibrators don’t care if you get crumbs in the bed.

* Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

* It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies.

* An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

* The cat’s exhausted from just watching you.

* A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

* You’ve both gone down one clothing size.

* You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There’s nothing left to adjust.

* You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

* Boy, are you hungry!

* You’re absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

1. No repetitive-stress injuries.

2. Knocks out insomnia faster than two tabs of Tylenol PM and a Bud tallboy.

3. Two words: less sweat.

4. On deadline? No problem!

5. Saves on batteries.

6. No guilt associated with sayin

gee, “I think it’s time for you to go home now.”

7. Two more words: stress reduction.

8. Makes for an interesting elevator ride.

9. Won’t ruin your lipstick.

10. Great way to kill time while stuck in traffic on the way to the beach (if you don’t mind rubberneckers).

11. Sometimes you just don’t want your toes sucked.

12. You don’t have to worry about remembering your partner’s name.

13. Performance anxiety? What’s that?

14. It’s something to do while talking to your parents on the phone.

15. Doesn’t give you enough time to notice he or she smells bad.

16. You don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of having an orgasm in front of someone you hardly know.

17. You can have your after-sex cig in the cab. That is, after having sex in the cab.

18. A line doesn’t form outside the bathroom at the party.

19. Dinner doesn’t get cold.

20. Pillow talk? What’s that!

Attention all Heterosexual Men!

Are you disillusioned by your lifestyle? Do you want more from life besides monster truck shows? Do Budweiser commercials confuse you? Are you tired of being a year behind in fashion? Do you wish you had a nice apartment like the ones you see on “Will & Grace”?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Act now, and you’ll be on your way to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL! We are now recruiting heterosexual men ages.

18-65 (please no older than 65 — that’s just creepy) to become homosexuals.

Let us assist you in your transformation from bland to beautiful! We’ll give you all the steps you’ll need to be a happy fairy, such as:

* Drag make-up tips!

* How to have sex with a man WITHOUT the six pack of beer!

* How to decorate with frills and throw pillows to brighten up any room!

* Essential Madonna and Cher records to own

* That tongue trick invented circa 1978 in some alley in NYC

* Ricky Martin’s fan club address

* Style and grooming tips NO self respecting gay would be without (hope you’re not too attached to that uni-brow)

* How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (we’ll insert a few bucks to get you started)

* Finger-snapping lessons, and a dialect coach to assist in “gaylingo”

* Learn important historical dates, like: the year Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbra’s wedding anniversary, and the day Judy died!

ACT NOW AND YOU’LL RECEIVE A CLOSET DOOR HINGE TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR FREEDOM!

Don’t delay any longer! Do you want to have more women hanging off you than when you were straight? Aren’t you tired of the snickers whenever you walk into a room? Call 1-800-976-HOMO to BEGIN YOUR LIFE AS A FABULOUS FAG!!! Call today. Operators are standing by.

1. You love to go to $1.75 movies.

2. You love to go to $1.50 movies even more!

3. You hate to spend more than $5 for lunch.

4. You turn bright red after drinking 2 tablespoons of beer.

5. You can get a buzz on Coors Cutter, O’douls, or Miller Sharps.

6. You look like you are 18.

7. You always look up at women, if you are male.

8. You always look up at Chinese men, if you are female.

9. You live at your parents house, and you are not claimed as a dependent by them.

10. You sing Karaoke.

11. You leave the plastic on your lampshade for 10 years or more.

12. You love watching Connie Chung and Terilyn Joe.

13. You can’t bear to throw away things.

14. Your dad washes his hair 4 times a year.

15. You hate getting B’s.

16. Your house smells like preserved fish.

17. Your house smells like Chinese medicine.

18. You have about 12-20 uncles and aunts.

19. Your wife cuts your hair.

20. Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500.

21. You wear contacts, to avoid wearing your “coke bottle glasses”.

22. You’ve worn glasses since you were in fifth grade.

23. You had a bowl cut before.

24. If you lose a dollar, you dwell upon it for more then 5 minutes.

25. Your parents own a restaurant, grocery store, or dry cleaner.

26. Your hair sticks up when you wake up.

27. You get a rush from getting a good deal.

28. You’ll make ridiculous offers when bargaining. (”I’ll give you $5 for that car”).

29. You’ll haggle over something that is not negotiable.

30. You love to use coupons.

31. You drive around looking for the cheapest gas.

32. You add twice the recommended amount of water when making orange juice from concentrate.

33. You’ll squeeze a toothpaste tube down to paper thin.

34. You’ll learned about sex from someone other then your parents.

35. You’ll be convinced your parents had sex as many times as required to produce you and your siblings.

36. You’ve never seen your parents kiss or hug.

37. You spend six months researching a $20 purchase.

38. You never buy stuff from the concession stands at the movies.

39. You tip 15% or less.

40. You never order dessert at restaurants.

41. You always ask for water when dining out.

42. You try not to use the bellhop, for fear of tipping.

43. You avoid the non-free snacks in hotel rooms.

44. You don’t mind squeezing 20 people into one motel room.

45. You want your dollar back from the friend who borrowed it right away.

46. You get the runs when you drink lots of milk.

47. Most girls have more body hair than you if you are male.

48. You speak “Chinglish”, which is 40% Chinese, 40% English, and 20% grunts.

49. Your parents don’t want you to move out when you turn 18.

50. Your parents want to live with you when they are old.

51. You say “Aiya!” and “Wah!” frequently.

52. You lie about your kids’ ages when going to a movie or amusement park.

53. You lie about your age to get a senior citizen’s discount.

54. You love Las Vegas, slot machines, and blackjack.

55. You love to play Mahjong.

56. You live like you don’t have a dime to your name.

57. You are constantly being set up with uninteresting people by your parents.

58. You can use the words “chink” and “chinaman” with impunity.

59. Your clothes smell like fried foods.

60. You talk at the top of your voice at all occasions.

61. You hate eating cheese.

62. You look forward to Saturday morning brunch at the Price Club free sample circuit.

63. You enjoy listening to sappy Hong Kong pop music.

64. You don’t mind working on Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Year’s Day.

65. You are a Doctor, Lawyer, or Engineer.

66. The only High School team you were on was the chess club.

67. You don’t mind getting bad service, since you can justifiably tip less.

68. You don’t mind a 6 hour layover in Vancouver when flying from LA to DC so you can get the cheapest flight.

69. Your mom likes to load up on extra napkins, ketchup, and airline peanuts.

70. You like to wash plastic utensils and reuse them.

71. You lived in the back of your parents’ grocery store.

72. Your parents always get into these “no credit check” loan schemes with 20 other Chinese to drum up instant cash.

73. When you are at an all you can drink counter, you would fill your drink up to the top just before you leave.

74. You’re disappointed at your 4.8 GPA in HS – Darn shoulda been a 5.0!

75. You eat rice everyday.

76. You peel the price sticker off to see what the original price was before the sale.

77. You take anything that’s free – even if just to cover your desk drawers.

78. When you are at an American restaurant you put the tea bag in the pot of hot water, and not the cup.

79. You never turn on the heater in your house during winter and you tell everyone to wear more clothes.

80. You never use the drier when you have one and you air-dry all your clothes.

81. Your relatives save Saran Wrap to “get the grease off above the stove”, but you know they reuse it.

82. You have more than four grandparents.

83. You can bathe out of a plastic tub in the middle of a tile bathroom floor.

84. Air conditioner? What air conditioner?

85. Your parents own a grocery store, restaurant, jewelry store, or video store, but you have to be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer.

86. You think store hours are only a general guideline.

87. You want to drive a Volvo or Mercedes.

88. Your parents feel the need to rationalize why you’re not going to Stanford.

89. Your medicine cabinet is overflowing with expired drugs just case.

90. You think crushed ice is a dessert.

91. Your parents are convinced that everyone is out to get them.

92. You wear slippers that make thwapping noises.

93. You gossip about anything with anyone.

94. You have plush toys in the back window of your car.

95. You cheer every time you see a Chinese person on TV

96. Your mom is always renting those videotapes of Chinese soap operas.

97. You eat all those weird candies. (White rabbit, sugus, gummy things, dried plums).

98. Your parents use all those Chinese medicines. (Man Gum Yau, Bak Fa Yau).

99. You have a home Karaoke system.

100. You wear an article of clothing at least twice before you consider washing it.

101. Your parents have no concept of bacteria or food poisoning.

102. You were always too modest to take showers in gym class.

103. Every other Asian kid at your elementary school, according to your classmates, was either your love interest or related to you.

104. Every time you barf, you’re amazed at how much rice you see.

105. You can only wish that the size of your manhood (or your boobs) was directly proportional to your IQ.

106. If it weren’t for the invention of gel, every day would be a bad hair day.

107. As a kid, you hated running into your friends at the supermarket when you were with your parents.

108. Your parents talk WAY too loud.

109. You insist on being called “Asian” rather than “Oriental”.

110. Everyone in your school assumed you were smart, rich, celibate, and knew karate.

111. If you’ve ever entertained the thought of going to China to find a spouse.

112. You mourn the cancellation of the show “Vanishing Son”.

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation’s mosques. Quote: ‘IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians.’

‘This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom’

‘We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society . Learn the language!’

‘Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.’

‘We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.’

‘This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom,

‘THE RIGHT TO LEAVE’.’

‘If you aren’t happy here then LEAVE. We didn’t force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.’

Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves, American citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voicing the same truths.

If you agree please SEND THIS page to others

Resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real

quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really

seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my

persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and

wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short – below is a pickture of me.

Employer’s response:……

.

Dear Peggy May,

.

.

It’s OK honey, we’ve got spell check

1. we are unbelievably flexible
2.we can perform in practically every position

3.we have perfect technique, good rythm, and great hip rotation

4.we are used to wearing very little clothing

5.we know how to use others equipment to our advantage

6.we dont mind getting all hot and sweaty

Â
7.regular splits are for gymnists and dancers… its called over stretching!
8.we love to perform
9. practice makes perfect and when we are perfect we still want to do
better

10. we’re not as delicate and fragile as we look

11. we’re used to having bruises on our knees
12.we’re always open to new moves & positions
13.karma sutra is for amatures

 

Love, Lust, or Marriage?

How do you know if you’re in love, in lust, or really married?LOVE – When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST – When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE – When you lose your child in crowded room.LOVE – When intercourse is called “making love.”
LUST – When intercourse is called “screwing.”
MARRIAGE – What the hell are you talking about?LOVE – When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST – When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE – When you argue over money.LOVE – When you share everything you own.
LUST – When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE – When the bank owns everything.

LOVE – When it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax.
LUST – When the relationship is over if you don’t climax.
MARRIAGE – What’s a climax?

LOVE – When you phone each other just to say, “Hi.”
LUST – When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE – When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE – When you write poems about your partner.
LUST – When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE – When all you write is checks.

LOVE – When you show concern for your partner’s feelings.
LUST – When you couldn’t give a shit.
MARRIAGE – When your only concern is what’s on TV.

LOVE – When your farewell is “I love you, darling…”
LUST – When your farewell is “So, same time next week…”
MARRIAGE – When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE – When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST – When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE – When you never see each other awake.

LOVE – When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST – When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE – When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE – When nobody else matters.
LUST – When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE – When everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows.

LOVE – When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST – When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE – When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE – When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST – When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE – When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE – When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST – When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE – When you’re only interested in your golf score.

Your Diet —–

For those of you who watch what you eat…
Here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine andsuffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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