Bored Dead

Michael Vick and peta

2007 NFL Football schedules maybe, but a lot of short takes

• Our offensive line was so good that even our backs couldn’t get through it.
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• Football is a game of inches, and that’s how some teams move the ball.
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• As John Madden says, “If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they’ve had a bad day.”
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• Our linebacker is so strong he can pitch horseshoes while they’re still on the horse.
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• We play in a dome stadium. We always prefer to kick with the air-conditioning at our backs.
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• I thought one of the linemen had a tattoo on his leg but it turned out to be a government meat inspection stamp.
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• He’s so huge, instead of a number he should have a license plate.
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• The coach was marching on the field alongside the band. A majorette threw her baton in the air and then dropped it. A fan yelled, “Hey, I see you coach the band, too.”
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• Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
• Did you hear about the world’s dumbest center? They had to stencil on his pants: This End Up. On his shoes they put, T. G. I. F., “Toes go in first.”
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• I say let’s make football more entertaining and give the quarterback something else to think about. Let’s arm each middle linebacker with a coconut custard pie.
• Some chickens were in a yard when a football flew over the fence. A rooster walked by and said, “I’m not complaining, girls, but look at the work they’re doing next door!”
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• The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of our players pitches the ball back to the official after he has scored a touchdown.
• The coach was always a step ahead of all opposing coaches. When they started the two-platoon system, he had a three-platoon system one on offense, one on defense, and one to go to classes.
• Our quarterback knows how to do everything with a football except autograph it.
• I gave up my hope of being a star halfback the second day of practice. One tackle grabbed my left leg, another grabbed my right leg, and the linebacker looked at me and said, “Make a wish!”
• Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen.
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• Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it’s never their hands.
• He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.
• We were in a really tough game. Our quarterback started praying, and we heard a distant voice say, “Please don’t include me in this.”
• That linebacker has rung so many bells he has a fan club consisting entirely of Avon ladies.
• We have lots of veterans on this year’s squad. Too bad they’re all from World War II.
• The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.
• They call it their nickel defense, because that’s what it’s worth.
• Wife to friend:”The most exciting play of the season was when Fred sat on the cheese dip.”
• I would have played football, but I have an intestinal problem – no guts.
• I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number.
• “I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike.”
• You know that your coaching job is in trouble when the marching band forms a noose at half-time.
• Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.
• We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space.
• This team employs their famous “Doughnut Defense” the one with the big hole in the middle.
• This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it’s forward.
• The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.
• Husband: “Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?”
• He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching.