Just as safe as Sports Illistrated but with twice the Fun
1. we’re always open to new moves & positions
2. we perform to please the crowd
3. we love an audience
4. we’re very flexible
5. we show off our legs
6. we’re tight…physically fit
7. we’re seductive
8. we like being videotaped to improve ourselves
9. we work hard to get things just right
10. we do what we’re told
11. we enjoy doing hard thing
12. we work in mysterious ways
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society…
DIRECTRA — a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA — Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA — Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks — especially cleaning up spills and “little” accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA — In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA — Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA — Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA — This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA — This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA — This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA — About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”
LIAGRA — This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.
Don’t be silly, protect your willy.
When in doubt, shroud your spout.
Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.
You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick.
If you go into heat, package your meat.
Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
The right selection! Protect your erection.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
If you really love her, wear a cover.
Don’t make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
No glove, No love.
Don’t be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.
1. Whine
2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no.
Then get mad when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,
start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Whine.
 
6. If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your
almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to
sleep, it’s because he is lazy.
7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying
for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required
gifts proving his love.
10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle,
tell him you’re irregular from all of the stress of your life.
11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend
must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed
immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about
doing anything other than catering to your needs.
LOVE – When it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax.
LUST – When the relationship is over if you don’t climax.
MARRIAGE – What’s a climax?
LOVE – When you phone each other just to say, “Hi.”
LUST – When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE – When you phone each other to bitch.
LOVE – When you write poems about your partner.
LUST – When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE – When all you write is checks.
LOVE – When you show concern for your partner’s feelings.
LUST – When you couldn’t give a shit.
MARRIAGE – When your only concern is what’s on TV.
LOVE – When your farewell is “I love you, darling…”
LUST – When your farewell is “So, same time next week…”
MARRIAGE – When your farewell is a relief.
LOVE – When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST – When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE – When you never see each other awake.
LOVE – When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST – When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE – When your wallet empties everytime you see them.
LOVE – When nobody else matters.
LUST – When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE – When everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows.
LOVE – When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST – When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE – When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE – When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST – When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE – When just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE – When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST – When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE – When you’re only interested in your golf score.
Your Diet —–
For those of you who watch what you eat…
Here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine andsuffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Things Not To Say To Your Parents While At College…
This ones for you Carl