Bored Dead

You must be sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!

10. Read less.

9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

7. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

6. Procrastinate more.

5. Drink. Drink some more.

4. Start being superstitious.

3. Spend more time at work.

2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

and last but not least…

1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

Airline Dictionary

The airline industry, like any other, has a specialized dictionary. These are words and phrases that are used commonly by airline employees for which the meanings may not be obvious to outsiders.

At great personal risk on an undercover sting operation, I was able to procure this dictionary. Now I present it to you with no thought to my personal safety in the interest of academic freedom.

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Remember folks, “If it ain’t Boeing, I ain’t going!”

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• Air Traffic Control – A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.
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• Baggage Claim – The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, “Baggage Claim Area.”
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• Carry On Bag – An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger’s seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following is not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.
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• Flight Schedule – An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
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• Fog – A natural weather phenomenon, which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.
• Non-Revenue Position – Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.
• No-Record – Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
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• On Time – An obscure term, meaning unknown.
• Passenger – A herding creature of widely varying intellect usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a “line.” This “line” has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
• Position Closed – This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, “Form line here.”
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• Pre-Board – Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.
• Sign – An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.
• Ticket Agent A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. Later in life they sit in parks carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.
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• Voluntary Oversell – A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.