Today’s instructions,….Your Turn, Tag your it…

1. The reason why our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we’re watching football with you–it’s not bonding–it’s their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.

6. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn’t ask in bed.

8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of “who’s easy”?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don’t care.

11. When you’re not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don’t mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance — in fact — please do !!!

13. When you’re out with us, please wear “our” favourite outfit rather than “yours” — the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.

15. Don’t insist that we “get off the damn phone” and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily “women’s work”; besides, most of the “dirt” and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

~ Coffee doesn’t mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.

~ You won’t get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.

~ Coffee never runs out.

~ No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

~ You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

~ When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
~ Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
~ Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.

~ White men can take black coffee home to their parents.
~ Coffee doesn’t complain when you put whipped cream on it.
~ You can always heat up coffee.
~ Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.

~ If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn’t put on weight.
~ Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Answers To Everything

What’s the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you’re really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you’re leading a pathetic life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Lets just be friends.”

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

What’s the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time.” A Southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

BLONDE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
A: Because she didn’t know which one came first!

Q: How can you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

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Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

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Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A: Nothing, they never met.

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Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can’t fetch a beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Because the blondes couldn’t manage it either.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A Golden retriever!

Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts?
A: Change!

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know which day of the week it is.

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won’t follow you around for a week!

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
A: They heard that under seventeen weren’t admitted!

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have a black box.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she’s pregnant.

Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
A: She threw out all the W’s

She Ain’t Easy – But …Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â And Yes Carl I know she is your Favorite !!!!!!!!!

She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.

She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.

She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.

She’s turned more tricks than Houdini has.

She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible.

She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.

She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.

She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins has.

She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

She’s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare has.

She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s Cube.

She’s spent more time under men than barstools.

She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.

She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

She’s had more marines land on her bed than on Iwo Jima.

Hoover classifies her tongue as a vacuum cleaner.

Her body has been declared a national recreation area.

Her diaphragms come with a service contract.

Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.

Her pantyhose has a pet door.

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Be Politically Correct With Women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.