Bored Dead

Men are like…….

…..Placemats.
They only show up when there’s food on the table.

…..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
.
…..Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
..
…..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
..
…..Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

…..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

…..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

…..High heels.
They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

…..Curling irons.
They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

…..Mini skirts.
If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.

…..Handguns.
Keep one around long enough, and you’re going to want to shoot it.

The car pictured in this note is a Mercedes Maybach. Notice the “recliner” rear seats, and the “electrostatic” sunroof. The sunroof turns from opaque to crystal clear depending on the passengers preference.

.

NOW, STOP DREAMING AND GET
BACK TO WORK!! (BE HAPPY
WITH WHAT YOU’VE GOT)!

Grid Iron NFL Jokes

NFL, Grid Iron, American Football. Call it what you want, but I’m calling it American Football in this site, so here are a bunch of funny jokes for America’s favorite game!

—

Q: What’s the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

—

Q: Why is the Oakland football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

—

Q: What do Billy Graham and the Buffalo football team have in common? A: They can both make a stadium of 50,000 people say “Oh, Jesus.”

---

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating his new recruits. “Well,” he said, “I take ‘em out in the woods and make ‘em run. The ones that run round the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run straight into the trees, I turn into linemen.”

-–

Q: What’s the difference between the Green bay Packers and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.

-–

Q: What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
A: Four blokes watching a football game.

-–

The Definition of an optimist: A Buffalo Bills fan waiting at Buffalo Niagara International Airport for the Bills to return from winning the Super Bowl.

-–

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. — George Will.

-–

The L.A. Rams have a new line of cologne. It’s a little different though; you wear it and the other guy scores.

-–

Q: Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate?
A: Because he’s lost all three of his bowls.

---

After spending all day watching football, Jimmy fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up. “Get up dear,” she said, “it’s 20 to 7″ He awoke with a start and said, “In who’s favor?”

-–

Know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could’nt be used?
No matter where you sat, you were behind a Pole!

-–

Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night
A: Football? The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

—

What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute? A quarter-ton pickup.

—

Why can’t John Elway use the phone anymore? Because he can’t find the receiver.

—

Pregnancy and Birth – F.A.Q.

• Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ?
  A: You’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all
• 
• Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
  A: A misconception
• 
• Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
  A: Have sex just once a year
• 
• Q: What is a chastity belt ?
  A: A labor-saving device
• 
• Q: When does a woman’s biological clock start ticking ?
  A: Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, “On my God, crow’s feet !”
• 
• Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
  A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant
• 
• Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex ?
  A: Childbirth
• 
• Q: Should I have a baby after 35 ?
  A. No, 35 children is way too many already
• 
• Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ?
  A: With any luck, right after he finishes college
• 
• Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu ?
  A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better
• 
• Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory ?
  A: Most of the ladies I asked don’t remember
• Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
  A: Yes, your bladder
• 
• Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving ?
  A: Depends on what your doing with them
• Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why ?
  A: Cause you’re fatter then they are,
• Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she’s borderline irrational.
  A: So what’s your question ?
• Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor ?
  A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman
• Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold ?
  A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him
• Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
  A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder
• Q: What are forceps ?
  A: Giant baby tweezers
• Q: What’s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman ?
  A: Brute force
• Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped ?
  A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful !
• Q: How long is the average woman in labor ?
  A: Whatever she says, divided by two
• Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right ?
  A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current
• Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
  A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant
• Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor ?
  A: Not unless the word “alimony” is a concern for you
• Q: I’m modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position ?
  A: Authorized hospital personnel only — doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
• Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning ?
  A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it’s way out of you
• Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth ?
  A: Yes, pregnancy
• Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids ?
  A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for
• Q: When should a baby not be circumcised ?
  A: When it’s a girl.
• Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk ?
  A: In your breasts
• Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps ?
  A: Yes, baby lips
• Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth ?
  A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse
• Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing ?
  A: When you see teeth marks
• Q: What is the grasp reflex ?
  A: The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts.
• Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing ?
  A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
• Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away ?
  A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in case of global chemical warfare.
• Q: Do I have to have a baby shower ?
  A: Not if your change the baby’s diaper very quickly
• Q: What causes baby blues ?
  A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos
• Q: What is colic ?
  A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control
• Q: What are night terrors ?
  A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again
• Q: Nannies aren’t cheap are they ?
  A: Not usually, but occasionally you’ll find a floozy
• Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born ?
  A: No, but your husband will most likely get on your nerves
• Q: What are the terrible twos ?
  A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey
• Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to act normal ?
  A: Possibly when the kids are in college

Top Ten Reasons You Know If You Have PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, “How’s my driving- call 1-800-***-****.

6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.

8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.

9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Michael Vick and peta

Things It Takes a Long Time For Guys To Learn

1. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
2. Women don’t try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don’t fall asleep afterwards.

3. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’

4. PMS stands for: Permissible Manslaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

5. The first naked man a woman sees is ‘Ken’.

6. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

7. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
8. ‘Oh, nothing,’ has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
9. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

10. All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it.
11. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
12. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?’

13. Only women understand the reason for ‘guest towels’ and the ‘good china’.
14. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
15. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

16. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
17. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they ‘left the seat up’ instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
18. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
19. Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
20. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

21. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they’ll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
22. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don’t hear men say, ‘Oh-my-GOD, there’s another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!’

St Mom’s Wort

This is a plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EmptyNestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo
This is a liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup.

Menicillin
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person.”

Buyagra
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BuyOneall
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr Laura.

JackAsspirin
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Ragamet
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Damitol
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go fly a kite for up to 8 hours.

What I Want In A Man, ORIGINAL List

———————————–
1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially Successful

4. A Caring Listener

5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style

8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, REVISED List

———————————-

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn’t nod off while I’m emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

• Why don’t men wear tight underwear?
  It cuts off circulation to the brain!
• 
• Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
  When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, “I don’t know.”
  When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, “Ohhhhhh.”
• 
• Why are vibrators better than men?
  Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don’t have to do their laundry!
• 
• Why do men die before their wives?
  They should.
• 
• What is the difference between men and women?
  A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need……..
  A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
• 
• How does a man keep his youth?
  By giving them money, furs and diamonds.
• 
• Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
  A mental hospital.
• 
• What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
  Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
• 
• Why are hangovers better than men?
  Hangovers will go away.
• 
• How are men and batteries different?
  Batteries have a positive side.
• 
• Why is virginity like a baloon?
  All it takes is one small prick and it’s gone.
• What is the difference between garbage and men?
  Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!
• 
• How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.
• Why are men like strawberries?
  Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.
• Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
  So men can tell if they are coming or going.
• 
• Why does a man have a clear conscience?
  Because it’s never used.
• What do UFO’s and caring men have in common?
  You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.
• Why is dating like a game of cards?
  Because if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
• 
• How do you confuse a man?
  You don’t have to – they’re born that way
• Why don’t women like basketball players as lovers?
  Because they dribble before they shoot.
• What are the three types of men?
  The handsome, the caring and the majority
• 
• What’s the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
  You don’t have to ask – you can see who the best man is.
• What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
  Slow down
• 
• What’s the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
  One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.
• How can you tell if your husband’s dead?
  Sex is the same but you get the remote.
• What food describes most men?
  Jerky.
• 
• Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
  In the pages of a romance novel.
• How do we know men invented maps?
  Who else would make an inch into a mile?
• Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
  He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.
• 
• What’s the hardest thing to teach a man?
  How to operate a waste basket.
• What’s the difference between a man and a messy room?
  You can straighten up a messy room.
• Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
  They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.
• Then there’s the jigsaw puzzle for men.
  It only has one piece, And most of the time, it’s missing.
• Why did God create men?
  She forgot to put the legs on snakes.
• Why women like bidets?
  Because men don’t know what they are.
• 
• How do you get a man on the roof?
  Tell him the beers on the house.
• Do you always tell your husband when you’ve had an orgasm?
  No way! I’m not going to call home every time!
• When does a man develop a brain?
  The day he gets married.
• Why did the man sell his water skis?
  He couldn’t find a lake on a hill.
• 
• How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
  He thinks “harass” is two words
• Why don’t men die in their sleep?
  ‘Cuz they can’t do two things at the same time.
• What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
  A Myth.
• Why do women always wear black to bed?
  To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!
• Why did God Create man first?
  1. Practice makes perfect.
  2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately.
  3. There’s a frist draft with anything.
  4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes.
  5. First is the worst………Second is the best!
  6. To be funny
• Woman: “I got a set of golf clubs for my husband”
  Friend: “GREAT trade!”
• How do you scare a man ?
  Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
• Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
  Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?
• Did you really throw your husband out on the street naked, for taking a bath with Bubbles?
  Yes I did, and I threw Bubbles out too.
• Why do men prefer blondes?
  Men always like intellectual company.
• “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
  “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”
• How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
  She asks them for a commitment.
• If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties?
  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
• Why do men like love at first sight?
  It saves them a lot of time.
• How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
  In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.
• Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
  They stay stuck in adolescence.
• How does a man show he’s planning for the Future?
  He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
• How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
  All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
• How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
  At the circus the clowns don’t talk.
• Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
  For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
• Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
  They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
• What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
  A. A dog is always happy to see you
  B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train
• Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
  Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
• Why are blonde jokes so short?
  So men can remember them.
• What do you call a man with half a brain?
  Gifted.
• What should you give a man who has everything?
  A. A woman to show him how to work it.
  B. Penicillin
• Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
  To stop the snoring before it starts.
• What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
  One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
• What did God say after creating man?
  I can do better.
• Why do men want to marry virgins?
  They can’t stand criticism.
• What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
  A man’s undivided attention.
• How is a man like a snowstorm?
  Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.
• What do you call an intelligent man in America?
  A tourist.
• Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
  To keep them from grazing.
• Why do men name their penises?
  Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
• Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
  Because they already have boyfriends.
• Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
  He had it bronzed.
• How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
  Two ways to cross a river.
• What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
  The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
• Why are men like chocolate candies?
  They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it’s either too small, gross, or stuck to the top.
• What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?
  A man who told too many blonde jokes.
• What is a man’s view of safe sex?
  A padded headboard.
• How do men sort their laundry?
  “Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.
• Why did God create man?
  Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
• Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
  A.So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
  B.So they wouldn’t stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
• What is the thinnest book in the world?
  “What men know about women.”
• How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
  A.One – men will screw anything.
  B.One – men will screw up anything.
  C.Five – one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it
• How does a man take a bubble bath?
  He eats beans for dinner.
• What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
  A half hour of begging.
• How can you tell if a man is aroused?
  He’s breathing.
• What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
  Bonds mature.
• How do you save a man from drowning?
  Take your foot off his head.
• What do men and beer have in common?
  They’re both empty from the neck up.
• How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
  Who knows? Did it ever happen??
• How are men and parking spots alike?
  The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
• What is a man’s idea of doing housework?
  Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
• What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
  E.T. phoned home.
• What does a man consider a seven course meal?
  A hot dog and a six pack.
• Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
  They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
• Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
  So oxygen can get into their brains
• How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
  Put the remote control between his toes
• Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
  So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
• How do men exercise on the beach?
  By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
• Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
  Because they can understand them
• What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
  A. No mind.
  B. No business.
• Why is a woman different from a PC?
  A woman won’t accept a 3½” floppy.”
• What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?
  Exchange him.
• Why do bachelors like smart women?
  Opposites Attract.
• What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
  After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
• Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
  To knock the penises off the smart ones.
• Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
  When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
• What do you call a handcuffed man?
  Trustworthy.
• Why are men like commercials?
  You can’t believe a word they say.
• What do men and pantyhose have in common?
  They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!
• Why are men like blenders?
  You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
• You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
  A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
  The female brains are sold as “used”
• Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
  Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
• Why did the man cross the road?
  Who knows why the hell men do anything?
• How can you tell when a man is well hung?
  When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
• Why do so many women fake orgasm?
  Because so many men fake foreplay.
• How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
  It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn’t need it anyway.
• Why is a hard man good to find?
  You don’t have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.
• What’s the best way to kill a man?
  Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
• How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
  Rename the mail folder to “Instruction Manual.”
• Why do women make better soldiers than men?
  Because they can bleed for a week and still not die