Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to “Dad.” With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.

Michael Vick Jokes

KIMMEL (Last Night):

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted for organizing pitbull fights at his house, and he’s in a lot of trouble. He could do six years in prison. Whatever happens, the one thing they’ve decided, “Who Let the Dogs Out” is definitely off the play list.

LENO(Wednesday):

Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick has been indicted for his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring. You know how he got caught? A pointer picked him out.

Did you hear his excuse? He said, “The b**ch set me up.”

KIMMEL(Wednesday):

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted yesterday in connection with some vicious dog fights that allegedly went on at a house he owned in Virginia. Some of these dogs were executed. Michael says he was just following Bob Barker’s lead trying to control the pet population.

Let’s not rush to judgment. Maybe he had a good reason for electrocuting and shooting those dogs. Maybe they were conspiring to kill him.

Classes for men at your local adult learning center

Sign up now!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 – How to fill up the ice cube trays.
A step by step guide, with slide presentation for men only.

Topic 2 – The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion.

Topic 3 – Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub?
Group practice.

Topic 4 – Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 – The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Topic 6 – Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 – Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 8 – Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 – Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 – Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 11 – Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 – How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 – How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

Is your broadband running slow, try our sister site’s Internet speed test absolutely free for visiting Bored Dead

2007 NFL Football schedules maybe, but a lot of short takes

• Our offensive line was so good that even our backs couldn’t get through it.
• 
• Football is a game of inches, and that’s how some teams move the ball.
• 
• As John Madden says, “If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they’ve had a bad day.”
• 
• Our linebacker is so strong he can pitch horseshoes while they’re still on the horse.
• 
• We play in a dome stadium. We always prefer to kick with the air-conditioning at our backs.
• 
• I thought one of the linemen had a tattoo on his leg but it turned out to be a government meat inspection stamp.
• 
• He’s so huge, instead of a number he should have a license plate.
• 
• The coach was marching on the field alongside the band. A majorette threw her baton in the air and then dropped it. A fan yelled, “Hey, I see you coach the band, too.”
• 
• Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
• Did you hear about the world’s dumbest center? They had to stencil on his pants: This End Up. On his shoes they put, T. G. I. F., “Toes go in first.”
• 
• I say let’s make football more entertaining and give the quarterback something else to think about. Let’s arm each middle linebacker with a coconut custard pie.
• Some chickens were in a yard when a football flew over the fence. A rooster walked by and said, “I’m not complaining, girls, but look at the work they’re doing next door!”
• 
• The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of our players pitches the ball back to the official after he has scored a touchdown.
• The coach was always a step ahead of all opposing coaches. When they started the two-platoon system, he had a three-platoon system one on offense, one on defense, and one to go to classes.
• Our quarterback knows how to do everything with a football except autograph it.
• I gave up my hope of being a star halfback the second day of practice. One tackle grabbed my left leg, another grabbed my right leg, and the linebacker looked at me and said, “Make a wish!”
• Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen.
• 
• Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it’s never their hands.
• He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.
• We were in a really tough game. Our quarterback started praying, and we heard a distant voice say, “Please don’t include me in this.”
• That linebacker has rung so many bells he has a fan club consisting entirely of Avon ladies.
• We have lots of veterans on this year’s squad. Too bad they’re all from World War II.
• The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.
• They call it their nickel defense, because that’s what it’s worth.
• Wife to friend:”The most exciting play of the season was when Fred sat on the cheese dip.”
• I would have played football, but I have an intestinal problem – no guts.
• I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number.
• “I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike.”
• You know that your coaching job is in trouble when the marching band forms a noose at half-time.
• Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.
• We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space.
• This team employs their famous “Doughnut Defense” the one with the big hole in the middle.
• This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it’s forward.
• The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.
• Husband: “Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?”
• He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching.

Ways To Annoy Osama Bin Laden and his terrorist friends

Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.

Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, “Doesn’t that sound a lot like a B-52?”

Ask him if he’s looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan’s favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.

Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.

Order him ten Domino’s pizzas with extra ham topping.

Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven’t seen “Sex and the City” for weeks.

Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.

Switch all the CD’s in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he’ll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.

Mine his bathroom.

Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.

Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.com

Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.AmIhotOrNot.com

Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.

Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you’ll get to “kick his ass every day for eternity”.

Refer to him as “Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden”.

Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.

Tell him it’s lovely what he’s done with his cave, but that it’d look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

Claim you once saw him at a Hooter’s in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.

Ask him if he wouldn’t mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.

Tell him that this is the worst pyjama party you’ve ever attended.

Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.

Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.

Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.

Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.

Ask him if he’s pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the “Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd” Jihad.

Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, “Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!”

Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.

They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who’s having a baby on Friends.

Warn him that you’re “in a New York state of mind.”

Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they’ve ever thought of modeling.

Ask him, “say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?” just in case he’ll be caught off guard and answer correctly.

Give him a “noogie” or a “wedgie”. If there’s actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a “swirlie”.*

Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your “holy lands” and blow up his hotels.

Offer to take him “clubbing” in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.

When you leave, wave and say, “Shalom!”

Rules for Life

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately “works.”

4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. “There” is no better than “here,” When your “there” has become a “here,” you will simply obtain another “there” that again, looks better than “here.”

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. The answers lie inside you. The answers to life’s questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

100 Reasons to be Gay

1. You truly don’t care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.

2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.

3. You can call anyone “honey” including pets.

4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.

5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.

6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.

7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.

8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.

9. You really have “been there, done that.”

10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.

11. You’re the only type of male who gets to say “fabulous.”

12. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.

13. You can have naked men you don’t know in your home.

14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.

15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.

16. You understand why the good Lord didn’t intend everyone to wear it.

17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.

18. You know that the most important part of a party’s decor is the catering staff.

19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.

20. You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
23. You’ve always got an opinion.
24. You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You’re the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a “cheap slut” isn’t actually an insult.
32. There’s a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You’re not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You’re embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don’t even know – like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You’ve called someone “girlfriend” who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You don’t give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You’ve made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party’s over.
59. You know where to go after the party’s over.
60. You’re fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear “a stitch in time saves nine” you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your “roommate.”
64. You know that referring to someone as “a real lady” isn’t necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear it’s a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it’s a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like “Stand by your man”.
69. You’ve been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You’ll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it’s usually a nasty one.
73. You’ve left someone totally speechless.
74. You’ve shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to “get along”.
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You’ve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You’ve got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain’t in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you’ve envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he’s right there in the shower.
86 You’re Barbra Streisand’s biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand’s biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes you’ve added side dishes.
89. You know that “small talk” can be about spirituality or politics, and “important issues” can be about hair.
90. You’ve actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme’s song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you’re in Kansas, you’re not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.

You might be a pot head if…

1.) you wear sun glasses at night so you can see better

2.) you have acctually put out a fire with bong water
3.) the term “hydro” does not mean water

4.) you have an usual parking space outside your local head shop

5.) you have a name for your 3 bongs 2 pipes one of which was made by you

6.) you know your measurements from grams to ounces by heart
7.) your best friends are your dealer and your roller

8.) you sell your car for gas money
9.) after reading this list you have done most if not all

10.) if you respect 4:20 to a religious value
11.) if you sue your employer for not getting holiday pay on april 20th

12.) if glass blowing was your minor and herbology was your major…..please e-mail me we need to chat

Test your Internet Speed for free, no spam click here for Net-Span

Top 10 Ways to get Drunk for Five Dollars or Less

Top 10 Ways to get Drunk for Five Dollars or Less

Number 10. Be a frosh (freshman).

It’s not true that every frosh can be knocked into unconsciousness by waving a tom collins under their nose, but as those of us who go hunting for frosh on “New Kids night” at the local dance holes know, the phenomena is not rare. Frosh are usually young, inexperienced, and sometimes even illegal to entice into your boudoir. If anyone can get drunk on five bucks, it’s them.

Number 9. Be female.

Chivalry is not dead! While you ladies can’t expect guys to risk their life, or miss an episode of star trek for you, you may still be able to get some alcohol out of them. Try standing around the bar, sipping water with a grimace on your face. Dress smutty. Smile at guys as they walk by, the drunker geekier the better. If you want to get more than one drink out of a guy start talking about how hot it is. Act intoxicated. Become even more friendly. At an appropriate time have a friend come by and “save you”, then move on to the next guy.

Number 8. Try Medication.

Sleeping pills. Allergy pills. If it says “do not take alcohol with this drug” or “do not operate a motorized vehicle while under the influence of this drug”, it must be good! Intelligent students such as ourselves, while not having a shred of pharmaceutical knowledge, can see that these statements are a plot by alcohol producers to keep us buying large quantities of booze.

Number 7. If it ends in ‘ol’, drink it!

Alcohol isn’t the only intoxicant ending in ‘ol’. Methanol, Butanol and Propanol are all fine safe intoxicants, often available at bargain prices. Stay away from aerosol, cholesterol, and drool.

Number 6. Sleep Deprivation and Sickness.

For some reason, your body doesn’t want you to have any fun, and actively fights alcohol -enhancement. When you’re sick, and tired, your body’s defenses are at their lowest. This means its often one of the most cost effective times to get plastered! Best of all, if you puke, you can blame it on the flu.

Number 5. Try Antifreeze

Hey, ten thousand deranged alcoholic street people can’t be wrong!

Number 4. Smash and Grab.

Drunk on less than five bucks? Try drunk for free! If you’re smart enough to figure out your news reader, chances are you’re smart enough to plan a little robbery.

Number 3. Scavenge.

Go to any bar and you’ll usually see alcohol that people just don’t want. Most often these finds will be at empty tables, with chairs with jackets on them that people also don’t want. Grab the booze, and the jackets, and leave. Do so stealthily though. You wouldn’t believe how many losers will pretend that they really wanted their cast offs. Finders keepers!

Number 2. Hang around with Losers or Generous People (same thing)

Some people are crazed enough to buy alcohol for other people, and expect nothing in return. Well, they might expect after they buy you a round that you’ll do the same, but you never signed any contract. Generous people usually stop buying alcohol when they realize what a cheap bastard you are, but losers will usually keep on doing it. They’ll be so overwhelmed by the fact that you’re actually talking to them, they won’t worry about little details, like that they’re spending their tuition money to get you pissed.

And now …(drum-roll)… The Number 1 Way to get Drunk

for Five Dollars or Less: … Make Beer Fast!

Finger the originator of this article, an address will be given. Mail one beer to this address. Using saturation posting techniques, repost this article to enough newsgroups for about a
million people to see it. Within a few weeks you’ll have received a million beers. In another few weeks the postal system will collapse…

Modern Horoscope

Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pieces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 – Apr 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (Apr 23 – May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a god damed communist.

Gemini (May 23 – June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 – July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a crap. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and annot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while doing it. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of crap.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken crap. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

You are a child of the 80’s If…

*You know what a “burnout” is.
*You owned/operated a ‘Trapper Keeper’
*You know what “Psych” means.
*Once, while spending hours in the arcade, you actually lined up quarters on the top panel of the game — to “reserve” your spot.

*You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, Wax off”.
*You know that another name for a keyboard is a “Synthesizer”.
*You can name at least half of the members of the elite “Brat Pack”.

*You know who Tina Yothers is.
*You wanted to be a Goonie.

*You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for sex with minors and videotaping it, because you liked him.
*You had top-of-the-line Commodore 64s in your jr. high computer lab
*You know who Max Headroom is.

*You even wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing.
*You could breakdance, or wish you could.

*You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

*You Believed that “By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!”
*Partying “like it’s 1999″ seemed SO far away.

*You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
*You can, right now, hum to yourself the theme to ‘Inspector Gadget’
*You wanted to be on Star Search.

*You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
*You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.
*You knew what Willis was “talkin’ ’bout”.
*You HAD to have your MTV

*You remember when Kramer was on a show called ‘Friday’s’
*You hold a special place in your heart for “Back to the Future”.
*You know where to go if you “wanna go where everybody knows your name”.
*You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.

*You actually thought “Dirty Dancing” was a REALLY good movie.
*You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
*You knew “The Artist” when he was humbly called “Prince”.
*You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played “Sam” to be.

*You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system
*You own(ed) any ‘cassette singles’
*You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we’d all be living on the moon.
*You remember And/or own any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut. Or any other stupid collection they came out with.

*Poltergeist freaked you out.
*You carried you lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
*You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
*You know what a Doozer is.

*You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
*You ever had a Swatch Watch.
*You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
*You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.

*You know what a “Whammee” is..
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a “Child of the 80’s”.

Good Advertising, Great creativity

E-mail us At (Admin@BoredDead.com) to submit you own pics .

if the pics are taking a long time to load,try testing your internet speed for free Here

Small Towns

The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what life’s like there.

My hometown was so small…

* the clinic was called Joe’s Hospital and Grill

* long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy

* the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight

* in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened

* instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols

* you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter

* during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter

* the local Motel 6 sleeps six

* during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner

* the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages

* the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper

* we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up

* the municipal water system’s pump was supplied by Water Pik

* before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home

* there was no town idiot — everybody had to take turns

Are you normal?

- Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
- 21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
- Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
- 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
- 91% lie regularly, so you can just throw away statistics like these based on their answers *grin*
- 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

- 29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.
- 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
- 90% believe in divine retribution (but apparently not for lying)
- 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

- 82% believe in an afterlife.
- 45% believe in ghosts.
- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

- 29% are virgins when they marry.
- 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.
- 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

- Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.
- 35% give to charity at least once a month.
- How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

- 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
- When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
- Snickers is the most popular candy.

- 22% of us skip lunch daily.
- 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
- 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

- Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
- 45% use mouthwash every day.
- 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
- The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

- Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
- 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
- 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
- 58% of women paint their nails regularly.

- 33% of women lie about their weight.
- 10% claim to have seen a ghost.
- 57% have had deja vu.
- 49% believe in ESP.
- 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

- 44% have broken a bone.
- 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
- 15% regularly go to a shrink.
- 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
- 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they’ve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. What’s up?

- 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
- 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
- 28.1% pee in the pool. Think about that next time you go swimming!
- 39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host… whoops, “uh.. just looking for the uh…”
- 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip it (his pants).

- 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
- 22% are functionally illiterate. [Reminds me of the lady who said, "My son ain't illiterate. We was married two weeks before he was born!"]
- Less than 10% are trilingual.
- 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

- 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
- 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
- 2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. Now, make it TWO million and half the night… : )
- 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
- 40% of us have had music lessons.

- 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
- 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
- 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary, mostly men, (and they say statistics don’t lie. See 91% Americans lie regularly for details. Yeah, we know the rest of you men just
have wives who TELL you the anniversary is coming up!)
- 59% of us say we’re average-looking.
- Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
- 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

- 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
- 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
- 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
- On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
- 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
- 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
- The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
- Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.
- 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
- 6% propose over the phone, [but that includes only of those who were accepted over the phone, not those who were hung up on]
- 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
- 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. [Must be the over 55 crowd : ) ]
- 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
- 1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.
- 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
- 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
- 25% drive after they’ve been drinking.
- 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
- 1 in 3 have had an extramarital affair.
- 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs