If Men wrote advice columns, The world would be a better place. If Men wrote advice columns, There would be no arguments. If Men wrote advice columns, There would be only bliss. Take a look at some sample advice columns already written.

Syrian Protest

Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic – much less have a clue about English. So, how does a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard “Death To Americans”(etc.) slogans printed in English?

Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements in English.

Unfortunately, they were unaware the “civilian” insurance company employee hired for the job was a reti red US Army sergeant. Obviously, pictures of the protest rally never made their way through the Arab TV network, but the results were “Priceless .”

Pregnancy avoidance

GENTLEMEN, IT’S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL “AM I GAY?” SELF-EXAMINATION…

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay – it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… “Killer, come here! I
said get your ass over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat…”Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only suks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El
Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a “Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim” and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you’ve had NutraSweet in your mouth, you’ve had a man there,
too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major
league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a “fressier” is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold
his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.

Think About It

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

“To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.”

Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.”

A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.”

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.”

“Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.”

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.”

“Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.”

“Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.”

It is always important to have a plan of action ready in case an unfortunate event occurs at home. Here are some helpful tips that could really help out…

1. If you are chocking on an ice cube don’t panic. Simply pour a kettle of freshly boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid argument with the missus about lifting toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High Blood pressure sufferers: Make an incision in your left or right wrist and bleed yourself for several hours, reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough

7. Avoid the mess when your toilet backs up, use the yard.

Of course we don’t recommend you actually use any of these remedies, they are for humor purposes only.

First we have beer. Everyone loves beer. Even commies love beer. There is nothing better than a cold beer after a hard days work. There is nothing better than a cold beer after a long night of partying. There is nothing better than a cold beer anytime of the day or night.

In the other corner we have marijuana. Nothing brings you off a hard day smoother than a fat joint. There is nothing that will help you start your day like a fat joint either. Also, there is no better way to continue your day than by smoking a fat joint.

The battle between stoners and drunks has been raging for centuries. It is time to settle this question once and for all using my very own flawless scientific testing method. Observe…

Test Number 1: Price

Weed: In most places a half ounce will run you around 25-30$ and last most stoners three or four days. If you buy the good stuff an eighth should cost you 50 USD and last you the same amount of time, if not a day or so longer. For an average of 50-60$ you can keep yourself nice and toasty all week long.

Beer: If you are drinking at home, your looking at spending 15$ or so on some good beer. If you are going to the bar, raise that to 30-35$. 40$ if your not a cheap ass and tip your bartender. In order to keep yourself drunk for a week you will need at least 200$.

Winner: Weed.

Test Number 2: Functionality

Weed: You can smoke all day long and no one you deal with will ever have the slightest of idea if you’re not a total noob. Covering up the smell is as easy as a couple of sprays of cheap cologne and Visine works flawlessly for the red eyes. Just don’t act like a dumb ass and you should be alright.

Beer: After so much, nothing can cover up the alcohol on your breath. Also people are going to know you’re drunk by the way you keep falling off your chair and yelling about the superiority of AMD to Intel to anyone within earshot.

Winner: Weed

Test Number 3: How attracted are women to the substance?

Weed: Most chicks quit smoking weed in their late twenties. Even those who still do don’t smoke as much. Also girls usually don’t get really horny off weed so it’s not really a good way to get a girl to agree to a good scrogging.

Beer: Most girls like some form of alcoholic beverage. Drunk girls are always a little less bitchy, not to mention easier to get in the sack. If you ever find a place where there is plenty of beer chances are there will be chicks hanging around as well.

Winner: Beer

Test Number 4: Legalities

Weed: While it is true it is illegal it is very hard to get busted with if you play it cool. It is usually a smaller package so it’s easier to hide or ditch if you have to. It is also very hard to get caught under the influence if you use the aforementioned Visine and smell-good spray as the police have no definite way to tell if you are intoxicated on marijuana.

Beer: While it is legal to drink it is not legal to wander the streets drunk. Public intoxication tickets are expensive and DUI’s can ruin a driving record. You are also more likely to fight with the cops and catch other charges while drunk.

Winner: Weed

Test Number 5: Intoxication factor

Weed: You can only get so stoned before you might as well be just puffing air. Depending on the quality of the herb, a few hits can do you in for the entire night. Even being that stoned, however, will not cause you to do wild shit you don’t remember.

Beer: Drink enough and you will do things you will never remember. Most of us have woken up in a place we don’t recognize with no idea how we got there or why we have some random chicks pink thong draped over our head. No matter how embarrassing of an act you pull, the excuse “I was drunk” is always acceptable.

Winner: Beer

Test Number 6: Fun

Weed: Weed can make sitting on the couch staring at a blank TV seem fun. Video games become something much more than just pixels on a screen. If you have to do something boring, weed can make it tolerable.

Beer: Beer makes any situation fun. If Custer’s troops at the Little Big Horn had beer, it would have been a much nicer slaughter for all involved. Beer can turn a quiet room full of Amish school teachers into a brothel full of sex starved stripper whores.

Winner: Beer

So, after careful scientific scrutiny, we arrive at a unanimous decision: it is a tie. Weed 3. Beer 3. Yes, I know, that was a lot of lead up just to be a tie. I still stand by my hypothesis. The question is now answered. Move along.

• Women especially love a bargain. The question of ‘need’ is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
• Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you ‘just don’t understand’.
• Women need to cry. And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
• Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
• Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
• Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That’s why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
• Women don’t need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
• Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there’s a spider or a wasp involved.
• Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
• Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
• Women can’t refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she’s doing. It might be the lottery calling.
• Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had an ‘on/off’ switch.
• Women think all beer is the same.
• Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
• Women don’t understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
• If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.
• Women brush their hair before bed.
• Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you’ll have a pretty good idea about how she’ll be in bed.
• Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
• Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man’s responsibility, ‘It’s there in the Bible’. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
• Women do not know anything about cars. ‘Oil-stick, oil doesn’t stick?’
• Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
• The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
• Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
• Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
• Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
• Women don’t try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don’t fall asleep afterwards.
• Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’
• PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
• The first naked man a woman sees is ‘Ken’.
• Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
• Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
• ‘Oh, nothing,’ has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
• Lewis Carroll’s Caterpillar had nothing on women.
• Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
• All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
• If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?’
• Only women understand the reason for ‘guest towels’ and the ‘good china’.
• Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
• If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
• Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they ‘left the seat up’ instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
• Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
• Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
• Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
• It’s okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don’t see straight men dancing together.
• Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they’ll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
• The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don’t hear men say, ‘Oh-my-GOD, there’s another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!’

Dear ,

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,
XXX

Dear XXX,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.” You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

Follow-up mail from tech support:

Dear XXX,

Your Husband 1.0 has been infected with the Mistress 2.1 virus. Try
Divorce 3.5 to remove present headaches.

Tech support

Find out what may really mean when they say…

“I’M GOING FISHING”
Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“IT’S A GUY THING”
Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical”.

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Means: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR…”
Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Means: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD”.
Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Means: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES”.
Means: “The girl selling them on the corner had great tits.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING”.
Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Means: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE”
Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC”
Means: “Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK”
Means: “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

Are you tired of those asinine “friendship” poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here’s a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad – I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue – I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile – I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared – I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried – I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused – I will use little words.

7. When you are sick – Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall – I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.