Increase your Vocabulary

To increase your vocabulary with phrases you’ve heard but aren’t quite sure how to use, read on…
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“Cold turkey”

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Definition: Refers to the physical state addicts are in when withdrawing from drug
addition, especially heroin. Their blood is directed to the internal organs, leaving
their skin white and goose bumpy like a Thanksgiving bird ready to go in the oven.
Mmmmm, junkie turkey.

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Origin: The first usage of this phrase is unknown, but it has as many applications as
there are things to be addicted to.

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Use it in a sentence: After coming down with a strange illness that turned his
eye-whites blue, Ozzy had to go cold turkey from biting the heads off live bats or
any other animals.
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“Going Dutch”
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Definition: To evenly split the cost of a group expense, like a meal.

Origin: The origin of the phrase is unknown, but there is one explanation. In the
17th century, the Dutch were hated commercial rivals of the British, and have been a
verbal target for them since. Anyone who “went Dutch” may have been considered a
tightwad. Not surprisingly, the Dutch don’t seem to love this phrase.

Use it in a sentence: The last girl I went out with called me a superior patriarchal
misogynist who didn’t respect her independence just because I offered to pick up the
tab. So last night I decided I’d play it safe and suggested to my date that we go
Dutch. She called me a cheap bastard!

“Shit hits the fan”
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Definition: Refers to the commotion that can occur when a situation that was
previously secret is publicly revealed. Graphically illustrates the distinction
between fecal matter, which is not in itself such a problem, and fecal matter piling
up to the ceiling fan and then being sprayed everywhere, which pretty much sucks.

Origin: Depression-era America, when apparently excrement abounded.

Use it in a sentence: “I’m telling you, Bob, if we don’t figure out how to get your
dad’s pogo stick out of this tree, the shit’s really gonna hit the fan. I mean, how’s
he supposed to get to work?”

“Put a sock in it”
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Definition: A terse request to be quiet.

Origin: Since early gramophones had no volume control knobs, playing them at anything
less than 11 (“my amp goes up to 11″) required putting a sock in the amplification
trumpet.

Use it in a sentence:
Girl: “Why are you hesitating? You don’t like it, do you? You think it makes me look
fat, right? Oh, I knew this would happen. I should never have gotten an orange
leather…”
Guy: “Ah, put a sock in it.”

“Son of a gun”
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Definition:
a) As an interjection, it means “gee whiz” or “well I’ll be damned.”
b) As a name to call someone, it’s a euphemism for a phrase that’s already pretty
tame: son of a bitch.

Origin: According to the Phrase Finder (www.phrases.shu.ac.uk), the expression
originated on sailing ships, where some women would have sex with sailors between the
cannons. The male progeny of such a dangerous liaison would then be called a son of a
gun. Nice pedigree.

Use it in a sentence:
a) “Son of a gun, who stole my toupee?”
b) “Bob, you old son of a gun. How’s the prostate?”

“For all intents and purposes”
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Definition: First of all, it ain’t “for all intensive purposes.” Think about it for a
minute. What the hell could that possibly mean? For all uses that are short but
really demanding? Like, oh, I don’t know, midget arm-wrestling? No, “for all intents
and purposes” means “realistically speaking; practically; in almost every way.”

Origin: Although its origin is unknown, the phrase used to be “to all intents and
purposes,” which is still sometimes heard.

Use it in a sentence: Bob tried so hard to please Patty that he had long ago passed
the “whipped” phase and was now, for all intents and purposes, her love slave.

“Big cheese”

Definition: The most important person; the boss.

Origin: The Urdu word for thing is chiz. The British likened its sound to the word
“cheese” and, as cheese is so vital to the Brits that their pound currency was
actually pegged to the price of medium cheddar for almost two centuries, they
modified its meaning to “the main/best thing.” The phrase crossed the Atlantic as
“the big cheese” in about 1890.

Use it in a sentence: The way he acted, you could tell Bob thought he was the big
cheese of the joint. But really, with his faux chains, hedge-like chest hair and
shiny zebra-striped shirt, he was just cheesy.

“Peeping Tom”

Definition: A peeping Tom is a voyeur.

Origin: It stems from an 11th century English legend in which Tom the tailor
unlawfully peeps at Lady Godiva as she rides on horseback naked through Coventry. As
a result, he was struck blind. Doh!

Use it in a sentence: To mess with the minds of any would-be peeping Toms in the high
rise across the street, every night Bob undressed in front of his window with all the
lights on, then looked out into the night and gave a big wave before retiring.

“Beat around the bush”

Definition: This old phrase means, well, you know, sort of to, like, stall and stuff,
or lie even, instead of, um — hey look, that dog has a poofy tail! Sorry, it means
not to get to the point or the truth.

Origin: It comes from hunting, where hunters would carefully beat around bushes
hoping to drive out their prey instead of just going in after it.

Use it in a sentence:
Man #1: “Stop beating around the bush and ask the question already!”
Man #2: “Okay, fine. Can I borrow your girlfriend for, like, an hour?”

Things you will never here from a woman say to another woman.

Things you will never here from a woman say to another woman.

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That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping
my husband company while I go for a swim?

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Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I’ll go
introduce myself!

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His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I’m
happy for them both.

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If he doesn’t let me hold the remote, I get all moody.

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He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.

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I’m sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned
waiter with a heart of gold any day!

We’re redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him
with the color choices!

He talks our relationship to death! It’s making me crazy!

Why

I just realized — my butt doesn’t look fat in this — my butt *is* fat!

The Top 10 Contestants For The 2006 Women Drivers Award

The Top 10 Contestants For The 2006 Women Drivers Award

10th Place Goes to:

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9th Place Goes To:

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8th Place Goes To:

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7th Place Goes To:

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6th Place Goes To:

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5th Place Goes To:

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4th Place Goes To:

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The Bronze Medal Winner:

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The Silver Medal Winner: Her helmet is being worn backwards …..

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and finally, here is our 2006 Women Drivers Awards *** Gold Medal Winner ***

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WOW ! ! How the heck…?!? Oh never mind… CONGRATULATIONS ! ! This concludes the 2006 Women Drivers Awards Ceremony.Thank you to all contestants for giving us all a reason to laugh & smile.

All About Women

  • Women especially love a bargain. The question of ‘need’ is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
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  • Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you ‘just don’t understand’.
  • Women need to cry. And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
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  • Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
  • Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
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  • Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That’s why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
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  • Women don’t need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
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  • Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there’s a spider or a wasp involved.
  • Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
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  • Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
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  • Women can’t refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she’s doing. It might be the lottery calling.
  • Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had an ‘on/off’ switch.
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  • Women think all beer is the same.
  • Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
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  • Women don’t understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
  • If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.
  • Women brush their hair before bed.
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  • Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you’ll have a pretty good idea about how she’ll be in bed.
  • Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
  • Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man’s responsibility, ‘It’s there in the Bible’. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
  • Women do not know anything about cars. ‘Oil-stick, oil doesn’t stick?’
  • Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
  • The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
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  • Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
  • Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
  • Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
  • Women don’t try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don’t fall asleep afterwards.
  • Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’
  • PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
  • The first naked man a woman sees is ‘Ken’.
  • Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
  • Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
  • ‘Oh, nothing,’ has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
  • Lewis Carroll’s Caterpillar had nothing on women.
  • Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
  • All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
  • If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?’
  • Only women understand the reason for ‘guest towels’ and the ‘good china’.
  • Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
  • If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
  • Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they ‘left the seat up’ instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
  • Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
  • Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
  • Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
  • It’s okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don’t see straight men dancing together.
  • Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they’ll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
  • The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don’t hear men say, ‘Oh-my-GOD, there’s another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!’

The Real Man Test

The Real Man Test

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1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

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A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

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2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

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A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

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3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

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A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

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A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: “I am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!”
C. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
1. He is legally within the base path,
2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to…

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A. …remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
B. …reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
C. …tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

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A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

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A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her – sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

How to Score…

Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer “C.”

A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.

Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimer’s joke.

Cucumbers Vs Men

1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.

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2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won’t tell you size doesn’t count.
4. Cucumbers don’t get too excited.

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5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket…. and you know how firm it is before you take it home.

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8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.

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9. With a cucumber you can get a single room…. and you won’t have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber…. and see the movie.

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12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber…. and you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won’t eat all the popcorn…. or send you out for Milk Duds.

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15. A cucumber won’t drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
16. A cucumber won’t ask: “Am I the first?”.
17. A cucumber doesn’t care if you’re a virgin.

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18. Cucumbers won’t tell other cucumbers you’re a virgin.
19. Cucumbers won’t tell anyone you’re not a virgin anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don’t have to be a virgin more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.

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22. Cucumbers won’t pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won’t care what time of the month it is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.

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25. Cucumbers won’t give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you’re sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won’t: …want to shake hands and be friends.
28. …say, “I’ll call you a cab”.
29. …tell you he’s not the marrying kind.
30. …tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. …call his ex-wife or therapist.
32. …take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don’t leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won’t make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won’t tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won’t work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn’t allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don’t have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won’t eat all your food or drink all your liquor.

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42. A cucumber doesn’t turn your bathroom into a library.
43. A cucumber won’t go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn’t use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won’t leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won’t write your name and number on the men’s room wall.
47. Cucumbers don’t have sex hang-ups.
48. Cucumbers won’t make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
49. Cucumbers aren’t into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won’t ask: “Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?”
54. Cucumbers aren’t jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
55. A cucumber won’t want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren’t into meaningful conversations.

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58. Cucumbers won’t ask about your Last Lover…. or speculate about your next one.
59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won’t mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don’t leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
63. A cucumber won’t give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night…. and you won’t have to sleep on the wet spot.
65. Cucumbers don’t leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn’t flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don’t compare you to a center fold.

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70. Cucumbers don’t count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don’t tell you they liked you better with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you … for another woman.
73. …for another man.
74. …for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say “I have to work late, Honey”, and then come home smelling like another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call “the wife”.
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won’t leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don’t play the guitar and try to find themselves.
82. You won’t find out later that your cucumber … is married.
83. …is on penicillin.
84. …likes you – but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn’t have softball practice on the day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
87. A cucumber won’t ask for a promotion just when you’re up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don’t care if you make more money than they do.
89. Cucumbers won’t wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won’t leave town on New Year’s Eve.
91. A cucumber won’t take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn’t care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won’t ask to be put through Med School.
95. A cucumber won’t tell you he’s outgrown you intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don’t say “Let’s keep trying until we have a boy”.
98. It’s easy to drop a cucumber.
99. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.

Women’s Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

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Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system…

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Simple Duties

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You make the bed……………………………………………+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows……….0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets……………………-1

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You leave the toilet seat up…………………………………-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty……………….0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex……..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2

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You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings…….+5
But return with beer………………………………………..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night………………………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing……………….0

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You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something…………….+5
You pummel it with a six iron……………………………….+10
It’s her father……………………………………………-10

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Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly………..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts……….-5

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Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………-5
Something she can’t use……………….-10
Such as a motorized model airplane…………..-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday………….-40

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Driving
You lost the directions on a trip…………..-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………..-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town……..-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal………-25
You know them………-60

The Big Question
She asks, “Do I look fat?”……………..-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding…………-10
You reply, “Where?”………..-35

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression……0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……….+5
You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV……..+10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep………….-20

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party……….0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy……..-2
Named Tiffany………………..-4
Tiffany is a dancer……………….-6
Tiffany has implants……………….-8
When mingling, you hold your mate’s hand and gaze at her lovingly………..+1
When mingling, you introduce her as “the ol’ ball and chain” and pat her on the rump……….-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, “Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you”…………….+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she’s attractive, you say, “Yeah, but she’s lousy in bed”……-6
That woman is her sister………………..-90
You have one drink, and that’s it…………….0
You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle………-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted….-18

Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together…………………+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car………………..+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar……………….-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it….+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional….0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk ………….+3
Most of it chips and beer …………..-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den…………+15
Or refinishing the floors………………….+16
Or rewiring the basement………………..+17
Or adding a second floor…………….+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket…….-6
And you’re tickled pink about it…………………-15
You visit her parents…………………0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation …………..+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ……..-3
And the television is off……………………-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear………..-6
And you didn’t even go to college…………..-10
And it’s not your underwear………………..-15

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner………………..0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar……………+1
Okay, it is a sports bar…………………….-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night………………..-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…….-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player………+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing………………………..+4
If you stink………………………..+2
If you’re not half bad……………………+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you’re escorted out to much applause………..-2
You give her a gift……………………0
You give her a gift and it’s a small appliance………….-10
You give her a gift and it’s not a small appliance ………..+1
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate………………+2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months……….+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day……..-10
With her credit card……………-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big……….-40

Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely…………………..-20
You forget your anniversary…………………-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station………..-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey……………….-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast………….-60

A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal ………………………-5
And the pal is happily married ……………….-4
Or frighteningly single ………………..-7
And he drives a Mustang………………..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)……………-15
You have a few beers……………..-9
And miss curfew by an hour……………..-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn’t call………………..-20
You get home at 3 am………………..-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars………..-40
And not wearing any pants………………….-50
Is that a tattoo??……………..-200

Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work……………….+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late……………..+10
You wait up…………………..+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed……….+20

A Night At Home
You watch TV together……………..0
You rent a movie……………+2
You rent a movie and it’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY……………….+3
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout………….+5
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep…………………..-1
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool………….-2

A Night Out
You take her to a movie……………………+2
You take her to a movie she likes……………….+4
You take her to a movie you hate ……………….+6
You take her to a movie you like……………..-2
It’s called DeathCop 3…………………..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex………………-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans………..-15

Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it’s expected…………………… 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it……..+20
You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself……….+30
And she contracts Lyme disease………………………………-25

Phrase Translations

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

translations-3.jpg

See me A.S.A.P. – Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man – Dum Gai

translations.jpg

Small Horse – Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!! – No Bai Dam Thing!!

translations-1.jpg

Did you go to the beach? – Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table – Ai Bang Mai Ni

translations-2.jpg

I think you need a facelift – Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here – Wai So Dim?

translations-3.jpg

Has your flight been delayed? – Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution – Lin Ching

translations-4.jpg

I thought you were on a diet – Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone – No Pah King

translations-5.jpg

Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? – Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright – Yu So Dum

I got this for free – Ai No Pei

I am not guilty – Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer – Wai Go Nao?

Meeting was scheduled for next week – Wai You Kum Nao

They have arrived – Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight – Lei Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile – Wa Shing Ka

He is a fat man – Wun Fat Gai

What Men Say

Find out what men really mean when they say…

men.jpg

“I’M GOING FISHING”
Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

men-1.jpg

“IT’S A GUY THING”
Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical”.

men-2.jpg

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Means: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

men-3.jpg

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR…”
Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

men-4.jpg

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Means: “I have no idea how it works.”

men-5.jpg

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

men-6.jpg

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD”.
Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

men-7.jpg

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Means: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES”.
Means: “The girl selling them on the corner had great tits.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING”.
Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Means: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE”
Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC”
Means: “Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK”
Means: “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

Points for being Bored

Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things – is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?

See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.

Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn’t that feel pretty good?

Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it – it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can’t even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the “makes boredom seem a lot better” effect (see “Hurt Yourself”).
Things you can do with very little:

See what’s in your neighbour’s trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I’m surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I’m pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as a prank phone call, too.

Make prank phone calls:
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember – vulgarities don’t make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald’s, try to make reservations.

Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it’s a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don’t step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and… AHHHHHH!!!!!

Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don’t like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

Actual instruction labels

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods…

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it’s ‘just’ a suggestion!)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn’t that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm…something must have gotten lost in the translation…)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I’m curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one…)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you’ve tried this…)

On a child’s Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That’s right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Sex Definitions

sex-7.jpg

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
sex.jpg Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
sex-1.jpg Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
sex-2.jpg Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
sex-3.jpg Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
sex-5.jpg Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S’moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
sex-6.jpg Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn’t very satisfying = there’s the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
sex-2.jpg Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn’t make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
sex-1.jpg Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
sex.jpg Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein’s assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

Girlfriends Report

girlfriends.jpgWell it’s been 29 years since Consumer’s Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.

girlfriends-1.JPGAs in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

girlfriends-2.JPGThe second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics–if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

girlfriends-3.JPG

Used vs. New?

girlfriends-4.JPG

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new
or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

girlfriends-6.JPGYour age Used or New

1 – 12 Years (See note A)
13 – 16 Years New
17 – 21 Years Used, but not used up
22 – 35 Years Used, heavily
36 – 60 Years New, (See note B)
60+ (See note A)

A. Seek psychiatric help
B. Only “new” if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, “divorced”.

girlfriends-7.JPGNew girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be
old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the
other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems
worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than
average mileage (2.1 SO’s / yr). Much greater than the average may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories

Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride

When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual
begins with the so-called “pickup line”, which can range from the simple if
dull (“Can I buy you a drink?”) to the aggressively hip (“dance with me or
I’ll kill you”) to the arcane (“You’re my Camus comrade, and I want to leap
you, Faith!”). CU rates as Not Acceptable “Smile, you’ll look better.” Once
on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two
questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the
detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she
remain cool?

Ordering vs. On The Lot

Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU
questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology

Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed
at CU’s specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding
the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product
according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.

Results

Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each
category, variation is not statistically significant.

Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the
options you want and none of the ones you don’t. She can argue subtle points
of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you
mean even if you don’t say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical
hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an
alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has
most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size
or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.
Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and
suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your
long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn’t be
caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.

Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a
girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful
or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!

Hotel Description Explanation

hotel-2.jpgWe all can relate to how misleading the description of hotels and motels can really be. So we put together a translation table to help you out… So when you see one of the phrases listed on the left, you will know what it really means by reading the translation on the right!

hotel.jpgOld world charm …………………………… No bath

Tropical ……………………………………… Rainy

hotel-1.jpgMajestic setting …………………………… A long way from town

Options galore …………………………….. Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway ………………………. Impossible to find or get to

hotel-3.jpgPre-registered rooms …………………….. Already occupied

Explore on your own ……………………… Pay for it yourself

hotel-2.jpgKnowledgeable trip hosts ……………….. They’ve flown in an airplane before

No extra fees ………………………………. No extras

Nominal fee ………………………………… Outrageous charge

Standard ……………………………………. Sub-standard

Deluxe ………………………………………. Standard

Superior …………………………………….. One free shower cap

Cozy …………………………………………. Small

All the amenities ………………………….. Two free shower caps

Plush ………………………………………… Top and bottom sheets

Gentle breezes ……………………………. Occasional Gale-force winds

Light and airy ………………………………. No air conditioning

Picturesque ………………………………… Theme park nearby

Open bar ……………………………………. Free ice cubes

Concierge ………………………………… Stand with tourist brochures

Continental breakfast ………………… Free muffin