Just as safe as Sports Illistrated but with twice the Fun
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10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow 8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store
7. This feels so good, it feels so right 6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class 4. Through all the things that came to pass 3. You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie 2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, |
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1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as: a) Lovemaking
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared: a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
3. You time your orgasm so that: a) Your partner climaxes first
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) Healthy, creative love-play
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is: a) The best part of the experience a) No concern of yours 7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is: a) A myth 8. Foreplay is to sex as: a) Appetizer is to entree 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) “I hope we can still be friends.” 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy |
What is the difference between a good beer and a woman:
1:A good beer never goes flat.
2:A good beer never commits when between your legs.
3:A good beer never complains when youve had better.
4:A good beer doesnt try to kill you when you tell it its too big.
5:The hole you put youre mouth on never gets bigger.
6:You never have to impress a good beer, it loves you no matter what.
1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You know what *FFA* is.
3. You ever went to parties @ a pasture, bard or middle of a dirt road.
4. Your idea of a *FuN* weekend was ridin around parkin lots cause that is where *EvErYbOdY* was.
5. Your idea of an *ExCiTiNg* weekend was watchin a fight in the parkin lot.
6. You swore @ someone & your parents knew within the hour.
7. You ever went cow-tipping or *sNiPe hUnTiN*.
8. School gets canceled for city, county or state events.
9. You were in the *HoMeCoMiNg* parade.
10. You have ever gone home for homecoming.
11. Everyone thought it was really cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
12. You had *SeNiOr sKiP DaY*.
13. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
14. You don’t give directions by street names, but instead like this: Turn right by Nelson’s house, go 2 blocks east past Anderson’s & it’s 4 houses left of the track field.
15. The *CoUnTrY cLuB* golf course had only 9 holes (or there wasn’t even one)
16. You can’t help but date a friends ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
17. You refer anyone with a house newer then 1980 as the *RiCh PeOpLe*
18. The people in the city dress funny, then your town picks up on the trend a few years later.
19. You bragged to your friends because you got *PiPeS* on your truck for your birthday.
20. Anyone you want can be found @ either the *DaIrY qUeEn* or the *FeEd sToRe*
21. You see @ least 1 friend a week drivin a tractor through town.
22. The football coach suggested that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
23. Directions are given usein *ThE* stoplight as a reference.
24. The city council meets @ the coffee shop.
25. Your *LeTtEr JaCkEt* was worn after your 19th birthday.
26. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise & 5 people pull over & ask if you need a ride.
27. Your teachers call you by your *OlDeR* siblings names.
28. Your teachers remember when they taught your *PaReNtS*.
29. The closest *TaCo BeLl* or *BuRgEr KiNg* is @ least 30 miles away.
30. So if the closest *sHoPpInG MaLl*.
31. It’s normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn-mower.
32. You have a good laugh readin this cause you know they’re all true.
To: Professor _______________
From: ____________________
I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:
__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:
__Medical School
__Graduate School
__Dental School
__Fraternity/Sorority
__The Mickey Mouse Club
__Tri County Tech
__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.
__5. I’ll lose my scholarship.
__6. I’m on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam for me.
__7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
__10. You are prejudiced against:
__ Males
__ Blacks
__ Females
__ Jews
__ Catholics
__ Whites
__ Protestants
__ Minorities
__ Chicanos
__ Students
__ People
__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
__ mono
__ broken baby finger
__ acute alcoholism
__ pregnancy
__ VD
__ fatherhood
__13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
__15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
__16. The lectures were:
__ too detailed to pick out important points.
__ not explained in any sufficient detail.
__ your class was far too boring.
__ all jokes and not enough material.
__ all of the above.
__17. This course was:
__too early, I was not awake.
__at lunchtime, I was hungry.
__too late, I was tired.
__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
__19. Other reason: __________________.
This is seriously weird: An interesting but strange test– 98% or 2%?
At the end of this test, you are asked a question. Answer it
immediately. Don’t stop and think about it. Just say the first thing
that pops into your mind. This is a fun ‘test’. . . ANDÂ kind of spooky
at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back
to me) and you’ll see how many people you know who fall into the same
percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among
the 98% or the 2%. You’ll u understand what that means after you finish
taking the ‘test.’ Now . . . just follow the instructions as quickly as
possible. Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the
previous one. You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just
do it using your mind. You’ll be surprised.
Start:
How much is:
15 + 6
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3 + 56
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89 + 2
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12 + 53
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75Â + 26
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25Â + 52
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63Â + 32
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IÂ know! Calculations are hard work, but it’s nearly over. . .
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123Â + 5
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QUICK! Â THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOR!
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Scroll further to the bottom…
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AÂ bit more…
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You just thought about a red hammer, didn’t you? If this is not your
answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if not abnormal,
mind. 98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this
exercise.
People in the airline industry aren’t all serious…
1. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”
3. On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
4. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane”
5. “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
11. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
12. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was Quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
16. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no,Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or Were we shot down?”
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, ” Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
19. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
Â
Diet Excuses:
Â
Diet Excuses:
But the doughnut was calling my name.
Â
Diet Excuses:
But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.
Â
Diet Excuses:
I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream.
Â
Diet Excuses:
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
Â
Diet Excuses:
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
Â
Diet Excuses:
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Â
Diet Excuses:
Cookie pieces contain no fat — the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
Â
Diet Excuses:
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
Â
Diet Excuses:
Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.
Â
Diet Excuses:
Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
This spot was on 60 minutes awhile back but it sure is worth hearing again in my humble opinion
Andy Rooney said on “60 Minutes” a few weeks back:
I don’t think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers.
The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America.
Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens… Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. Â You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason; that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!
ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right “NOT” to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn’t die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can’t understand the word “freeze” or “stop” in English, see the above lines.
I don’t think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don’t hate the rich I don’t pity the poor.
I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television.
That doesn’t stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that’s better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn’t take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say “NO!”
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don’t want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of “Political Correctness.” I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be “African-Americans”? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don’t go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
And if you don’t like my point of view, tough…
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL! Â AMEN!
It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having “In God We Trust” on our money and having “God” in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don’t we just tell the 14% to Shut Up, lay down and BE QUIET!!!
A Fishermans Philosophy
A sure way to get a bite on a slow day is:
Talk about changing spots
Prepare another rod while one is out
Lay your rod down unsecured
Go for a sandwich
Start to pull the boat anchor
Use the worst fly you own
Crack open your first beer
Crack open your last beer
Take notice of the chick on a passing boat, bank or beach
Watch others fishing
Start reeling in your lines at going home time
Give your fishing rod to a female companion or child to hold
When your landing net is out of reach
When you have cast your line over an obstruction
When you line has drifted into impossible weeds
When you turn to look at the sunrise or sunset
Decide that you need to take a leak
If you like to fish Take a Look at LuckyAngler
