Exam for athletes…

The following is a college or University entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 4 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________

(20 bonus points if spelled correctly).

1. What is The spoken language of Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions – OR – Give the FIRST name of Michael Vic.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) construct a bridge

____ (b) lead an empire or

____ (c) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)

____ (a) Jewish

____ (b) Catholic

____ (c) Hindu

____ (d) atheist

5. Advanced Math: How many feet are in a 3 foot yard stick?

6. What time is it when the little hand is on the 6 and the big hand is on the 6?

7. In the 10 commandments how many was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in the America’s far NORTH called?

____ (a) Westerners

____ (b) Southerners

____ (c) NORTHerners

9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)

_______________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.

Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?

____ (a) Wall Mart

____ (b) Kmart

____ (c) Target

____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?

____ (a) yes

____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name.

16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?

17. Which part of the United States produces the most oranges?

____ (a) Minnnesota

____ (b) Florida

____ (c) Canada

____ (d) Wisconsin

18. More advanced math. If you have three oranges, how many pears do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?

____ (a) B.C

____ (b) A.D.

Beer Testing

Last Week scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 150 men 12 bottles of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.

No further testing is planned.

Things you’ll NEVER hear one woman say to another woman

That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping

my husband company while I go for a swim?

Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I’ll go

introduce myself!

His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I’m

happy for them both.

If he doesn’t let me hold the remote, I get all moody.

He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.

I’m sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned

waiter with a heart of gold any day!

We’re redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him

with the color choices!

He talks our relationship to death! It’s making me crazy!

Why

I just realized — my butt doesn’t look fat in this — my butt *is* fat!

Terrorism: Doing our part

President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it’s ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)

And to do my part, I’m buying stickers for all women who participate.

Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!

Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

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Compliment her,

respect her,

honor her,

cuddle her,

kiss her, caress her,

love her, stroke her,

tease her,

comfort her,

protect her,

hug her,

hold her,

spend money on her,

wine and dine her,

buy things for her,

listen to her,

care for her,

stand by her,

support her,

hold her,

go to the ends of the Earth for her.

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HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

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Show up naked.

Bring food/beer.

This is a short video about a spider on crack. It is rather disturbing and viewer discretion is advised!

[flv:http://www.boreddead.com/spiderondrugs.flv 480 320]

The Top 15 Exhibits for the Britney Spears Museum

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15. Animatronic diorama depicting Britney at 50 trashing hotel room after failing to get on “Hollywood Squares 2020″ — you’ll swear the vomit is real!
16. Â

14. A retrospective of Christina Aguilera voodoo dolls from the Mouseketeer days to the present

13. Mrs. Spears’ copy of “500 Annoying Names For Your New Baby, Plus Even More Annoying Alternate Spellings”, 1981 edition
14. Â

12. Photos of Britney with the other Mouseketeers, Britney with Mickey Mouse, Britney with Donald Duck, Britney with… hey, there’s no Disney character named Fred Fleshweasel!
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11. Pre-surgery bra made into a handy peach holder; post-surgery bra made into a handy cantaloupe holder

10. Interactive Exhibit: The Spice Girls Virtual Kill and Maim
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9. Collage of checks made out to dance and voice teachers, stamped “RETURNED FOR INSUFFICIENT TALENT”

8. Directions on how to get to the museum
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7. Britney’s vintage music collection, featuring CDs by Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, and Paula Abdul

6. Nostalgic pictures from “the old days” when her Mousketeer ears protruded farther than anything else on her body

5. The “Oops! You Bought this Crap Again” Gift Shop

4. Plaques of appreciation from the hand lotion, silicone and facial tissue industries

3. The Pre-Teen Girls’ Body Image Hall of Mirrors

2. An eerily life-like wax statue of Britney’s “friend”, Christine Aguilera, who oddly enough dropped out of sight shortly before the museum’s Grand Opening

and the Number 1 Exhibit in the Britney Spears Museum…

1. A beautifully framed copy of Britney’s first contract, on loan from Satan himself

Britney Spears

What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed ?
Hit me baby one more time.

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Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, had a baby last week and they want to thank everyone for all the gifts they received.
Apparently, the baby has everything he will need except a father with a job.

Britney Spears has a baby boy. They baby is doing fine, the mother is doing fine, the husband still isn’t doing anything at all.

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Britney Spears decides to go out with her two new buddies, Shaggy and Craig David. They decide to go to the mall and thus enter the elevator to descend. Suddenly, one of them farts. Shaggy: ‘It Wasn’t Me’ Craig: ‘I’m Walking Away’ Britney: ‘Oops, I Did It Again!’ Embarrassed by this predicament, Britney decides to make up for it by taking them out again. They catch a train and leave the station when, believe it or not, someone farts again. Shaggy: ‘It Wasn’t Me’ Craig: ‘I’m Walking Away’ Britney: ‘Stronger, Than Yesterday!’

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Britney Spears is in trouble because she was photographed driving with her baby sitting on her lap instead of strapped into a car seat.
Child welfare experts say this is still better for the baby than leaving it at home with Kevin Federline.

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Britney Spears’ husband, Kevin Federline, has his own rap album now. He works under the rap name, La-Z.

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Q. What do you call Britney Spears when she is upset?
A. Britney Tears

Q: What Do Britney Spears and Barbie have in common?
A: They’re both blonde, plastic and brainless!

Q: What did Britney’s right leg say to her left leg?
A: Nothing, they’ve never been together!!

What do you call Britney Spears with a brain?
Pregnant (Ed. adds….Well it depends who the father is…….)

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Britney Post Pregnancy and post loser husband

Extremely Confused for some odd reason

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You know Your In College Too Long When…

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* You consider McDonald’s or Burger King “real food”

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* You actually like doing laundry at home

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* The 3:00 AM last call is still early on the weekends

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* It starts getting late on the weeknights

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* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party

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* You wear dirty Blue Jean shorts three times in a row and think nothing of it

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* You’d rather clean than study

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* Half the time you don’t wake up in your own bed and it seems normal

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* Computer Solitaire is more than a game it’s a way of life

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* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps

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* You go to sleep when it’s light and get up when it’s dark

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* You live for getting mail mostly (E-mail included)

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* Looking out your window is a form of entertainment

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* Prank phone calls become funny again

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* It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on

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* World War III could take place and you’d be clueless

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* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate

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* Black lights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth

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* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime

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* You find out milk crates had so many uses

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* Wal-mart is the coolest store

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* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday

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* You are sitting around making lists about how you know you’ve been in college too long

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A powerful romance!!!

An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

“Yes,” she says, I remember it far to well.

“Ok,” he says, “How about taking a stroll back there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.

“Oooooh Henry, you little devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she replies.

There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against that fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way over to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is utterly amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, “That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty five minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”

The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

When Girls Drink Too Much!!

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1.) I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE MY PURSE IS.
2.) I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING MY BUTT WHILE YELLING “WOO-HOO!” IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3.) I’VE SUDDENLY DECIDED I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE’S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE I COULD DO IT TOO.
4.) IN MY LAST TRIP TO PEE, I REALIZE I NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS I WAS JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5.) I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR (WHICH I’M EATING EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING IT

6.) I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
7.) I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE “OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!”

8.) I’VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO ME
9.) THE MAN I’M FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER.
10.) THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING
11.) MY EYES JUST DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.

12.) I’VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
13.) I YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO (I THINK) CHEATED ME BY GIVING ME JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
14.) I THINK I’M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR
15.) I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, “DON’T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT…”
16.) I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID’S DOWN WHEN I SIT ON IT.
17.) MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.
18.) I’M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.
19.) I BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON MY BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT DOWN ON THE TIME I’M IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM MY DRINK.
20.) I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT’S THEIR FAULT THAT I’M HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT

Compatibility test for lovers

How Compatible Are You?

7-10 Same answers: You belong together
4-6 Same answers: Moderately compatible
0-3 Same answers: Find someone else

An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

“Yes,” she says, I remember it well.

“Ok,” he says, “How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.

“Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers.

There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, “That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”

The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”