2007 January | Bored Dead

College Admission Test

Several colleges have started a pilot program that uses a simple group experiment with Legos as a replacement for the standard admissions test.

Â The group must recreate a model of a robot in the next room, with only one team member allowed to view the robot at any one time.

Since different schools have different admissions requirements, the test has been generalized to meet the requirements of various schools:

ENGINEERING COLLEGE: Â Build a real, working robot out of Legos.

LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE: Â Pick your favorite color of Lego block.

CULINARY COLLEGE: Â Bake an Eggo that no one would want to Lego.

COMMUNITY COLLEGE: Â Ring this box of Legos up on a cash register.

FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY: Â Steal as many Legos as possible.

Filed Under: Bored Dead, college

FOOTBALL BROADCASTS THAT SOUND DIRTY

FOOTBALL BROADCASTS THAT SOUND DIRTY

* The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

* He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

* He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow!

* It’s a game of inches.

* That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

* When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.

* He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.

* He found his tight end.

* End around!

* He had to stretch to get it in!

* He gets penetration into the backfield!

* He blows them off (at the line)!

* He bangs it in!

* He could go all the way!

* He gets it off just in time!

* He goes deep!

* He found a hole and slid through it!

* He pounds it in!

* He beats them off (the line)

* He’s got great hands!

Filed Under: Bored Dead

A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising manager.

The farmer said, “I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans . . .”

The sales manager said, “Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?”

The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, “I’d be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks.”

“$300?” the manager yelled, “You must be out of your mind!!! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!”

The farmer very evenly replied, “I’m sure that’s right. But those people are out for blood. I’m just farting around.”

Filed Under: Bored Dead

FootBall Terms in Relation to Sex

Footballâ€™s Term: Coin Toss = Asking them out

Â
Footballâ€™s Term: Kickoff = Holding hands

Footballâ€™s Term: 1st Down = Kissing

Â
Footballâ€™s Term: 2nd Down = Up the shirt

Footballâ€™s Term: 3rd Down = Down south

Footballâ€™s Term: 4th Down = Oral action

Footballâ€™s Term: Touchdown = Shaggin’

Â
Footballâ€™s Term: Victory Dance = Smoking afterwards

Footballâ€™s Term: Time Out = The guy needs more time/can’t get it up

Footballâ€™s Term: Incompletion = Guy can’t get off

Footballâ€™s Term: Interception = Someone walks in on the two of you

Footballâ€™s Term: Offsides = Gay person/Gay action

Footballâ€™s Term: Flag on the play = Unwanted Advances

Â
Footballâ€™s Term: Delay of game = Girl has her period

Footballâ€™s Term: Hail Mary = Not sure the other one wants it, but you go for it anyway

Footballâ€™s Term: Footballâ€™s Term: Hike = Up the rear

Footballâ€™s Term: Reverse = 69

Footballâ€™s Term: Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky

Footballâ€™s Term: 2pt. conversion = Multiple orgasms

Â
Footballâ€™s Term: Prevent Defense = Condom/protection

Footballâ€™s Term: Face Mask = Guy pulls girl head down to blow him

Footballâ€™s Term: Shotgun = Touchdown in a car

Footballâ€™s Term: Footballâ€™s Term: Two minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before he blows his load

Footballâ€™s Term: Holding = Cuddling

Footballâ€™s Term: Superbowl = Wedding or Prom night

Footballâ€™s Term: Huddle = Multiple participants

Footballâ€™s Term: Madden ’99 = Cybersex

Footballâ€™s Term: Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex

Footballâ€™s Term: Illegal use of the hands = Masturbation

Footballâ€™s Term: Ball Hog = Slut

Footballâ€™s Term: Onside Kick = Making up after a fight

Footballâ€™s Term: Double Header = Two mates in the same night

Footballâ€™s Term: Tight End = Virgin

Footballâ€™s Term: Wide Receiver = Girl that’s loose

Footballâ€™s Term: False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)

Footballâ€™s Term: Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you can get some

Footballâ€™s Term: Fumble = Cheating (problem in the relationship)

Footballâ€™s Term: Putting it through the uprights = Self explanatory

Footballâ€™s Term: Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo

Footballâ€™s Term: Unsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about your activities

Footballâ€™s Term: Double Coverage = Two condoms

Footballâ€™s Term: Handoff = Handjob

Filed Under: Bored Dead

Rules for Pools and Beaches

A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.

1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:

1A) If when you look down, you can’t see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.

1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.

1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.

1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.

1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool thankyouverymuch.

2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.

3) No thongs under any circumstances.

4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.

————————————————————————————————————

A few rules for what women can and cannot wear at a private pool.

1) Thongs are encouraged… however only if certain conditions are met.

1A) There must be a direct correlation to the amount of total square inches of skin, to the total amount of square inches of bathing suit. In other words, if you are any larger than a mini van, a string bikini should be frowned upon.

1B) Thongs or ass floss as they have been come to be known in pool and beach circles, should be worn as long as there is not more cellulite on your buttocks than in one of Mel Gibson’s Epic type movies.

2) Women with near perfect figures, cannot wear one piece bathing suits… plain and simple. Damn, I know it’s a sexist world, but it’s the world that we live in.

3) Curlers are strictly verboten.

Filed Under: Beach/Pool, Bored Dead

Robot Bartender

Robot Bartender

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention
and asked, “Sir, what will you have?”

The man thought a moment then replied? “A martini please.”

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.

The robot then asked, “Sir, what is your IQ?”

The man answered “Oh, about 164.”

The robot then proceeded to discuss the ‘theory of relativity’,
inter-stellar space travel’,the latest medical breakthroughs, etc…

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have? “A martini please.”

Again it was superb. The robot again asked “What is your IQ sir?”

This time the man answered , “Oh about 100″. So the robot started
discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to
expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool…. Again a martini, and the question, “What is your IQ?”

This time the man drawled out ” Uh….. bout 50″.

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

“A-r-e…

y-o-u-r…

p-e-o-p-l-e…

g-o-i-n-g…
t-o…

n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e…

H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????

Filed Under: Bored Dead, Drinking

Viagra

Top Ten Slogans Being Considered by Viagra

10. “Viagra. The quicker dicker upper”
9. “Here’s the beef!”
8. “Get a piece of the rock”
7. “You’ve come a long way, baby”
6. “Viagra, it plumps when you take ‘em”
5. “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman”
4 .”Tastes great, more filling”
3.”Viagra, built ram tough”
2. “Just do her”
1.”This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?” ?

Of course you’ve heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.

So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she’s back at the doctor’s office.

She says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn’t five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes off the table, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right then and there on the table.”

The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Naah…” she says, “that’s okay. We wouldn’t go back to that restaurant anyway.”

There’s a new beverage on the market…it’s called Viagraccino – one cup and you’re up all night.

And did you hear about the man who spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he’s hard up.

We’re told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs mean an upswing in business.

Filed Under: Bored Dead, Sexy Jokes, Viagra

Famous Sex Quotes

Famous Sex Quotes

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
– Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.”
– Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?”
– Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
– Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
– Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
– Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
– Roseanne

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
– Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
– Robert DE Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
– Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
– Rod Stewart

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
– Robin Williams

Filed Under: Bored Dead, Sexy Quotes

Over 100 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”

3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog “Dog.” 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”

26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to “AaJohn Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about “psychological profiles.”

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

Filed Under: Bored Dead

Choose from these Sexy Selections

College Admission Test

FOOTBALL BROADCASTS THAT SOUND DIRTY

SUperBowl and the Bean Farmer

FootBall Terms in Relation to Sex

Rules for Pools and Beaches

Robot Bartender

Viagra

Famous Sex Quotes

Over 100 Ways To Annoy People

Most Popular

Recent Posts