Top NFL Complaints

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, NFL

Top NFL Complaints

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1.     NFL Complaint : After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.

2.     NFL Complaint : Calling “heads or tails” but never getting any. . . “head” or “tail”.

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3.     NFL Complaint : Players get “the wave”. . . refs get “the finger”.

4.     NFL Complaint : Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.

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5.     NFL Complaint : With Reggie White retired, the penalty for “Illegal use of a racial slur” is meaningless.

6.     NFL Complaint : Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin’ CLEVELAND!!!

7.     NFL Complaint : Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.

8.     NFL Complaint : Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it’s black and white week after week after week!

9.     NFL Complaint : Don King only bribes boxing judges.

10. NFL Complaint : Official rule books not made in Braille.

11. NFL Complaint : I’m the one that everybody wants to kill, so where’s MY helmet and pads?!

Free Broadband Speed Test

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, Free Speed Test

Broadband Speed Test

Test your internet provider’s speed for free

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NFL Football

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, NFL

NFL, Grid Iron, American Football. Call it what you want, but I’m calling it American Football in this site, so here are a bunch of funny jokes for America’s favorite game!

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—NFL

Q: What’s the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

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—NFL

Q: Why is the Oakland football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

—NFL

Q: What do Billy Graham and the Buffalo football team have in common? A: They can both make a stadium of 50,000 people say “Oh, Jesus.”

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—NFL

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating his new recruits. “Well,” he said, “I take ‘em out in the woods and make ‘em run. The ones that run round the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run straight into the trees, I turn into linemen.”

—NFL

Q: What’s the difference between the Green bay Packers and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.

Q: What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
A: Four blokes watching a football game.

The Definition of an optimist: A Buffalo Bills fan waiting at Buffalo Niagara International Airport for the Bills to return from winning the Super Bowl.

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Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. — George Will.

The L.A. Rams have a new line of cologne. It’s a little different though; you wear it and the other guy scores.

Q: Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate?
A: Because he’s lost all three of his bowls.

After spending all day watching football, Jimmy fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up. “Get up dear,” she said, “it’s 20 to 7″ He awoke with a start and said, “In who’s favor?”

Know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could’nt be used?
No matter where you sat, you were behind a Pole!

Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night
A: Football? The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute? A quarter-ton pickup.

Why can’t John Elway use the phone anymore? Because he can’t find the receiver.

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THE EVOLUTION OF A MOM

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, Mom's Evolution

THE EVOLUTION OF A MOM

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baby-2.jpgYes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first.

Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes
ARE your regular clothes.

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The Baby’s Name
1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

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The Layette
1st baby: You perish your newborn’s clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

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Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

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At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

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Men’s Advice To Women

Author: admin  //  Category: Advice, Bored Dead

Men’s Advice To Women

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1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up, put it down.

3. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

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4. Get rid of your cat.

5. Sunday = TV Sports.

6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

7. You have too many shoes.

8. Crying is blackmail.

9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

10. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

11. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â

     We’re bound to miss sometimes.

12. Simple “yes” and “no” are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways    Â

     makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

16. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty

     you are?

17. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done –

      not both.

18. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.

19. You have enough clothes.

20. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.

DIET RULES FOR CHEATERS

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, Diets

DIET RULES FOR CHEATERS

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1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat–the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

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BAR ROOM TRANSLATIONS

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, Drinking

BAR ROOM TRANSLATIONS

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* “You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

* “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)

* “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

* “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female – I’m easy.)

* “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male – I’m gay.)

* “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female – I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

* “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male – If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)

* “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female – You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

* “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male – I’m horny.)

* “Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

* “Excuse Me.” (male to male – Get the hell out of the way.)

* “Excuse Me.” (male to female – I am going to grope you now.)

* “Excuse Me.” (female to male – Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way!)

* “Excuse Me.” (female to female – Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

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* “What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)

* “Can I have a white Russian?” (male – I’m *really* gay.)

* “Can I have a white Russian?” (female – I’m *really* easy.)

* “That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)

*Â “Can I just get a glass of water?” (female – I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

* “I don’t have my ID on me.” (female – I’m 19.)

* “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male – I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 1.4 after my last visit here)

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WHAT EVERY GIRL SHOULD KNOW

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, Girls should Know

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Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These “men” often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.

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Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want don’t need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them “love handles”?)

One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

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HOW “BIG” SHOULD A MAN BE?
Don’t by shy. It’s an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man’s penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen.

HOW “LONG” SHOULD A MAN LAST?
Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you’ll find a man who can “last” as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don’t let your girlfriends know you’ve landed one of these desirable “sixty second wonders.”

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HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M HAVING AN ORGASM?
The female orgasm is a sensation that’s very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it “feels like something inside of you.” When a man’s penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You’ll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he “leaves a little something on your plate.” When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be “more to come,” that “vaguely unsatisfied” feeling,” then you can be sure you’ve experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

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WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
There is no such thing.

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you’ll see the a man’s penis fits naturally into a woman’s mouth. On the other hand, a man’s mouth does not naturally fit into a woman’s vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a “natural” act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an “unnatural” act (why do you think they call the vagina your “private parts”?)

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WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are “
GIB.” Another example of male “afterplay” is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

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WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good “foreplay” technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man’s attention. Also, don’t keep playing “one on one.” Invite your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself “Mr. Smith.” Don’t let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You’ll find it lends an air of real “mystery” to the affair.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a ‘local’ about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you’ve found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, “You’re cute, can I buy you a drink?” This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
Q: “If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?”
A: There is absolutely no way to tell.

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Q: “What’s the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and shiny?”
A: One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you’ll look.

Q: “What are some “loving nicknames” we can use?”
A: You should always call him, “Mr. Smith.” You can also call him, “King Kong,” “Master,” or “stud.” Men often call their favorite lovers, “Hey you” or “Uh, Miss?”

Q: “Where should a man take me?”
A: Because so many homosexual men like to take their “dates” out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he’s thinking about.

Q: “What happens if he doesn’t call?”
A: He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your ‘local’ and look to see if he’s come back. If he doesn’t, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes or works for a humor magazine, then try the “Can I buy you a drink?” technique with him. You may find you’ve met a new, exciting lover.

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EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, Work Jokes

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Employee Name _______________ Date of Review __________________

KNOWLEDGE:
1.____ The son of a bitch really knows his shit
2.____ Knows only enough to be dangerous
3.____ Only half a brain and is dangerous
4.____ Brain damaged. His coffee cup has higher I.Q.

ACCURACY:
1.____ Does excellent work is not preoccupied with women
2.____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass
3.____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten
4.____ Couldn’t count his balls and get the same number twice

ATTITUDE:
1.____ Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently)
2.____ Brown noser in poor standing
3.____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it’s his job
4.____ Doesn’t give a shit, never did, never will

RELIABILITY:
1.____ Really a dependable little cocksucker
2.____ Can rely on him at evaluation time
3.____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door
4.____ Totally worthless

APPEARANCE:
1.____ Extremely neat; even combs his pubic hair
2.____ Looks great at evaluation time
3.____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch
4.____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him

PERFORMANCE:
1.____ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it for him
2.____ Does Ok around evaluation time
3.____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes
4.____ Couldn’t do less work if he were in a coma

LEADERSHIP:
1.____ Carries chain saw and gets good results
2.____ Occasionally gets told to get screwed
3.____ Mother Theresa tells him to get screwed
4.____ Couldn’t lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat

I understand I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy Act of 1969. I further acknowledge I am as screwed up as a football bat and will attempt to correct my deficiencies.

EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE ________________________

MANAGER SIGNATURE _______________________

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HOW TO BUILD A WEB PAGE IN 25 STEPS

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, Web Page

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software – 20 minutes.

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2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page – 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it – 20 minutes.

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4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site – 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like – 4 days.

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6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again – 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do – 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others’ pages, steal some, change a few words here and there – 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software – 1 minute.

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10. Try to horizontally line up two related images – 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images – 10 seconds.

12. Set the text’s font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone – 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP – 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads “You are visitor number -16.3 E10″ – 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text – 8 hours.

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16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP – 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page – 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page – 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP’s server – 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP – 30 minutes.

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21. Download FTP software – 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again – 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP’s server – 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web – 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps – eternity.

WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A MALE REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, E-Mail

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

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9. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow made to feel inferior.Â

8. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).

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6. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

4. If you don’t apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

3. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

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2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

1. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

Error Messages for Windows XP

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, Web/Computer problems

* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

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* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

* Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

* Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

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* Close your eyes and press escape three times.

* Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

* This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

* Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

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* This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”

* To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”

* BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

* COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

* CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

* File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

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* Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

* WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

* User Error: Replace user.

* Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”

* Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…

* If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?

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* Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. “Word has detected that you don’t wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?”

* Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Â

Tips for SKI SEASON

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, Skiing

snow-bunnies.jpgSki season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:

- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

- Throw away a hundred dollar bill – now.

- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

- Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

- Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

- Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

- Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler.

- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

- Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

- Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.

- Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing.

Â

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NUMBER OF DRINKS & BEHAVIORAL DIFFERENCES

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead

alcohol.jpgONE Drink-Â Relaxed. To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/coordination etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps, school days, sport and the price of net curtains, etc. Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the ice hasn’t quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke. Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken?

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TWO Drinks -Â Merry with the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth. The second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, school days – what else is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It’s time to consider your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough said.

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THREE Drinks -Â Tipsy. Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behavior. The urge to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and sports – however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a “I’d give that one” nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type of competition.

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FOUR Drinks -Â Half-cut voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some dodgy comedian’s redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get laughs…very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of ‘partners you wished you’d had’ to graphic detail of the ‘partners you’ve had’. Hand/eye coordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else’s in your zip fly). Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening’s “nobody likes me – everybody hates me” tears in the toilet crises.

FIVE Drinks -Â Drunk. Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it’s all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges – such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take over – and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.

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SIX TO SEVEN Drinks -Â Rat-arsed. Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that’s if anybody else can remember what the fuck you were talking about, but mark my words, there’s always one who will. Conversation will now be on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away? Some people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you’re drunk but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you’ve got them most chance to do so with. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a curry.

EIGHT TO TEN Drinks -Â Shit-faced (alternatively Wankered). It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they’ve had one over eight, particularly those whose drink you’ve just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence of this planet. Hey, if only they’d realize that there isn’t one and that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it’s hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice – pissheads.

ELEVEN TO FIFTEEN Drinks -Â Esperanto. For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you’ll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don’t worry about it, if ever there was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it – it won’t hurt in the slightest and if you’ve got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed – if you don’t live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopedic qualities are well known.

SIXTEEN PLUS Drinks-Â Clinically dead. You’ll feel like you’ve been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff – but don’t you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover and try desperately to remember what the fuck you did the night before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine’s a pint and get one in for yourself – cheers then.

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Supermodel Wisdome

Author: admin  //  Category: Bored Dead, SuperModel

model-5.jpgON COURAGE: “They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.” — Cindy Crawford

ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE: “Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage.” — Carole Mallory

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ON POVERTY: “Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.” — Beverly Johnson

ON FATE: “I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that.” — Christie Brinkley

ON ARRIVING: “Because modeling is lucrative, I’m able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take.” — Kathy Ireland (star of Alien From L.A. and Danger Island)

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ON CAREER CHOICES: “My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian.” — Paulina Porizkova

ON PRIORITIES: “I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.” — Kim Alexis

ON GEOPOLITICS: “Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament.” — Jerry Hall

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ON INNER STRENGTH: “I love the confidence that makeup gives me.” — Tyra Banks

ON DEATH: “Richard (Gere) doesn’t really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can’t help it.” — Cindy Crawford

ON TRAVEL: “I haven’t seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven’t seen anything. I don’t really care.” — Tyra Banks

ON BREAKTHROUGHS: “Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling.” — Gabrielle Reece

ON EPIPHANY: “I just found out that I’m one inch taller than I thought.” — Christie Brinkley

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ON HEREDITY: “My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, ‘What if she’s ugly? You’re ugly.’” — Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS: “It’s very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it’s not inspiring for your workout.” — Cheryl Tiegs

ON INTRODUCTIONS: “I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself — it’s eerie.” — Christy Turlington

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ON COURTSHIP: “The soundtrack to ‘Indecent Exposure’ is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby.” — Fabio

ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER: “I’ve looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It’s the same face.” — Claudia Schiffer

ON TRAGEDY: “The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles — but I had on thick tights underneath.” — Naomi Campbell

ON SURVIVAL: “If I’m making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers.” — Carol Alt

ON THE CASTE SYSTEM: “We’re not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don’t think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people.” — Christie Brinkley

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS: “I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them.” — Cindy Crawford

ON THINKING: “When I model I pretty much blank. You can’t think too much or it doesn’t work.” — Paulina Porizkova

ON LOGIC: “I think if my butt’s not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn’t be too big for me.” — Christy Turlington

ON BODY PARTS: “I don’t know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous.” — Tyra Banks

ON BODY LANGUAGE: “You can usually tell when I’m happy by the fact that I’ve gained weight.” — Christy Turlington

ON DEPRIVATION: “If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time.” — Linda Evangelista

ON VERSATILITY: “I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don’t have to speak.” — Linda Evangelista

ON THE GRIEF PROCESS: “When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss.” — Veronica Webb

ON VENGEANCE: “Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl’s hair.” — Tasha

ON MOTIVATION: “It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would.” — Kate Moss

ON ECONOMICS: “I don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day.”

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