1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

2. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

4. So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there.

6. Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.

7. Never let your man’s mind wander. It’s too little to be let out alone.

8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can’t dance or buy drinks.

9. Never sleep with a man who’s named his penis.

10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

13. Women don’t make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

18. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

19. A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually “Oh all right, I’ll stay the night.”

– Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
- 21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
- Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
- 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
- 91% lie regularly, so you can just throw away statistics like these based on their answers *grin*
- 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
- 29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.
- 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
- 90% believe in divine retribution (but apparently not for lying)
- 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

– 82% believe in an afterlife.
- 45% believe in ghosts.
- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
- 29% are virgins when they marry.
- 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.
- 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
- Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.
- 35% give to charity at least once a month.
- How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
- 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
- When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
- Snickers is the most popular candy.
- 22% of us skip lunch daily.

– 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
- 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
- Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
- 45% use mouthwash every day.
- 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
- The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
- Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
- 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
- 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
- 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
- 33% of women lie about their weight.
- 10% claim to have seen a ghost.

– 57% have had deja vu.
- 49% believe in ESP.
- 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
- 44% have broken a bone.
- 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
- 15% regularly go to a shrink.
- 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
- 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they’ve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. What’s up?
- 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
- 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
- 28.1% pee in the pool. Think about that next time you go swimming!
- 39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host… whoops, “uh.. just looking for the uh…”
- 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip it (his pants).
- 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

– 22% are functionally illiterate. [Reminds me of the lady who said, "My son ain't illiterate. We was married two weeks before he was born!"]
- Less than 10% are trilingual.
- 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
- 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
- 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
- 2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. Now, make it TWO million and half the night… : )
- 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

– 40% of us have had music lessons.
- 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
- 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
- 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary, mostly men, (and they say statistics don’t lie. See 91% Americans lie regularly for details. Yeah, we know the rest of you men just
have wives who TELL you the anniversary is coming up!)
- 59% of us say we’re average-looking.
- Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
- 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
- 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
- 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
- 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

– On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
- 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
- 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
- The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
- Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.
- 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
- 6% propose over the phone, [but that includes only of those who were accepted over the phone, not those who were hung up on]
- 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

– 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. [Must be the over 55 crowd : ) ]
- 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
- 1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.
- 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
- 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
- 25% drive after they’ve been drinking.
- 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
- 1 in 3 have had an extramarital affair.
- 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs

The question this time, from the men’s side of the table: what should you do when the women you’re with asks you: “What are you thinking?”

Every male in the world has had to deal with this question, which is more often than not uncorked at entirely inappropriate times, such as when you are watching sports, locked in a passionate embrace, or reeling in a feisty marlin from the Gulf of Mexico. Regardless of what you’re doing, you must come up with a complete and satisfactory answer, or stand accused of Hiding Your True Feelings. Which means, of course, you’ll spend the next week pretending to be sorry. So you’ve got to come up with something. And it had better be good.

Now, the obvious question here is: WHY do women want to know what we’re thinking? Simple: they assume we’re thinking in the first place. Hard to believe, but there it is.

Why on earth would they think that? Well, go up to a woman and ask her what she is thinking. I have just done so with my wife, and this is what she is thinking about:

“Off the top of my head, I’m thinking about the party we’re having Saturday, and how I’m going to fix that chandelier in the front room so that people can walk around without hitting their heads. Underneath that I’m thinking about my work schedule this week and whether or not I’m going to have time to do some of the things I need to do at home as well. And under that I’m wondering if it’s too late to get tickets on a plane to Ohio for Christmas. AND I’m thinking about getting a snack.”

Not only is she thinking about something, she’s thinking about four separate things. If I check back in five minutes, she’ll still be thinking. Women are always thinking, and often about practical things.

Men, on the other hand, are actively thinking for about five minutes out of every hour (usually not in sequence). So, at best, you have a one in 12 chance of catching a man actually having a thought. What are we thinking about?

1. Sex

2. Food

3. Steve Miller tunes

4. Sports

5. “Beavis and Butthead”

6. Sex

7. Work

8. The black unknowable nothingness that frames our existence, and whether a benevolent and omnipotent higher power can possibly exist within it (or Beer)

9. Sleep

10. Sex

In summary, randomly asking a man what he’s thinking has precisely a 8.83% chance of turning up a real, verifiable, honest-to-God thought. You might as well bet on the New York Jets. Sound harsh, guys? Fine. Quick–what are you thinking? Had to think about it, didn’t you. You lose. Sit down.

Despite the overwhelming evidence that men, in fact, are almost never thinking, women will still demand to know their innermost thoughts. In a way, it’s touching; women are expressing faith that, if prodded long enough and frequently enough, they may yet boost the number of times we think in an

hour. And they will. Unfortunately, most of what we’ll be thinking is “stop asking me what I’m thinking.” And that’s just going to get us in trouble.

The best way to keep a woman from constantly asking you what you are thinking is to have a ready, pre-memorized answer for the times that she does. Here are some tried and true responses, with the pros and cons of each:

“I’m thinking that tonight it’d be nice to stay at home and sit by the fire together.”

Pros: Romantic; Sounds as if you’re spontaneous.

Cons: Requires fireplace (or a cement floor and ventilation); Romantic moments often prompt even more “What are you thinking” queries.

“I’m thinking how much I love you.”

Pros: Generally provokes a positive response that short circuits any need for further conversation; Is often also true.

Cons: If you use it too much, she’ll know it’s a line, and then you’re really in trouble.

“I was wondering if there is actually life on other planets.”

Pros: Cosmic; Shows you are a deep thinker.

Cons: Woman may wonder if this is an intro to the same sort of “alien sigmoidoscopy” story that ruined her last relationship.

“I was imagining, if I were an animal, what sort of animal I’d be.”

Pros: Imaginative; Allows woman to spend many happy minutes trying to establish your place in the animal kingdom.

Cons: She might think you resemble a marmoset or skunk; She may forego the animal world altogether and go straight to yeasts.

“I’m just thinking about how true the lyrics to ‘Dust in the Wind’ really are.”

Pros: Shows depth of musical knowledge; As last resort to forestall conversation, you may break out into song.

Cons: If she’s a connoisseur of 70s melodic rock, you may find yourself in a bitter, divisive quarrel about which is deeper, “Dust” or Aerosmith’s “Dream On”.

Keep in mind that these responses are not to supersede an actual thought. If you find yourself having one at the moment she asks, go ahead and share it, as long as it’s not something along the lines of “This relationship blows” or “I really like margarine”. With a little practice, you should come out okay.

But, hey. That’s just what I think.

Bad Upgrade

Dear Technical Support,

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Fishingweekend 10.3 and Bowlingbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell

To: Mr. Powell

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES and ENTERTAINMENT” program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once it is installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire system regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.

The best course of action will be to push apologize button, then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but is very high maintenance.

Tech Support

101 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men

1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.

2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

3. Cucumbers won’t tell you size doesn’t count.

4. Cucumbers don’t get too excited.

5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.

6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.

7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket…. and you know how firm it is before you take it home.

8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.

9. With a cucumber you can get a single room…. and you won’t have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.

10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber…. and see the movie.

12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber…. and you can stay in the front seat.

13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.

14. A cucumber won’t eat all the popcorn…. or send you out for Milk Duds.

15. A cucumber won’t drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.

16. A cucumber won’t ask: “Am I the first?”.

17. A cucumber doesn’t care if you’re a virgin.

18. Cucumbers won’t tell other cucumbers you’re a virgin.

19. Cucumbers won’t tell anyone you’re not a virgin anymore.

20. With a cucumber you don’t have to be a virgin more than once.

21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.

22. Cucumbers won’t pout if you have a headache.

23. Cucumbers won’t care what time of the month it is.

24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.

25. Cucumbers won’t give it up for Lent.

26. With a cucumber you never have to say you’re sorry.

27. Afterwards, a cucumber won’t: …want to shake hands and be friends.

28. …say, “I’ll call you a cab”.

29. …tell you he’s not the marrying kind.

30. …tell you he is the marrying kind.

31. …call his ex-wife or therapist.

32. …take you to confession.

33. Cucumbers don’t leave you wondering for a month.

34. Cucumbers won’t make you go to the drugstore.

35. Cucumbers won’t tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.

36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.

37. A cucumber won’t work your crossword with ink.

38. A cucumber isn’t allergic to your cat.

39. With a cucumber you don’t have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.

40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.

41. A cucumber won’t eat all your food or drink all your liquor.

42. A cucumber doesn’t turn your bathroom into a library.

43. A cucumber won’t go through your medicine chest.

44. A cucumber doesn’t use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.

45. Cucumbers won’t leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.

46. Cucumbers won’t write your name and number on the men’s room wall.

47. Cucumbers don’t have sex hangups.

48. Cucumbers won’t make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.

49. Cucumbers aren’t into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.

50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.

51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.

52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.

53. Cucumbers won’t ask: “Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?”

54. Cucumbers aren’t jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.

55. A cucumber won’t want to join your sports group.

56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.

57. Cucumbers aren’t into meaningful conversations.

58. Cucumbers won’t ask about your Last Lover…. or speculate about your next one.

59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.

60. A cucumber won’t mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.

61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.

62. Cucumbers don’t leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.

63. A cucumber won’t give you a hickey.

64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night…. and you won’t have to sleep on the wet spot.

65. Cucumbers don’t leave dirty shorts on the floor.

66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.

67. A cucumber doesn’t flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.

68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.

69. Cucumbers don’t compare you to a center fold.

70. Cucumbers don’t count to 10.

71. Cucumbers don’t tell you they liked you better with long hair.

72. A cucumber will never leave you … …for another woman.

73. …for another man.

74. …for another cucumber.

75. A cucumber will never call and say “I have to work late, Honey”, and then come home smelling like another woman.

76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.

77. You always know where a cucumber has been.

78. A cucumber never has to call “the wife”.

79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.

80. A cucumber won’t leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.

81. Cucumbers don’t play the guitar and try to find themselves.

82. You won’t find out later that your cucumber … …is married.

83. …is on penicillin.

84. …likes you – but loves your brother.

85. A cucumber doesn’t have softball practice on the day you move.

86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.

87. A cucumber won’t ask for a promotion just when you’re up for a promotion.

88. Cucumbers don’t care if you make more money than they do.

89. Cucumbers won’t wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.

90. A cucumber won’t leave town on New Year’s Eve.

91. A cucumber won’t take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.

92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.

93. A cucumber doesn’t care if you always spent the holidays with your family.

94. A cucumber won’t ask to be put through Med School.

95. A cucumber won’t tell you he’s outgrown you intellectually.

96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.

97. Cucumbers don’t say “Let’s keep trying until we have a boy”.

98. A cucumber won’t insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.

99. It’s easy to drop a cucumber.

100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.

101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp.

She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, “Nope … due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So…what’ll it be?”

The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for… a good mate.”

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that f****n’ map!”

The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,

The woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.

The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,

The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION, The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,

The woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,

The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE, The woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,

The woman discovered MONEY and that’s when it all messed up..

Diary of a Young Viagra Wife

Day 1.

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven’t noticed.

Day 3.

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4.

A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his problem. It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.

Isn’t life wonderful but it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that.

Day 7.

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it’s very nice – I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.

Day 8.

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I’m also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.

Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with whip cream and whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over….

Day 11.

I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig.

Day 12.

I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous …

Day 13.

Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry”, thing again, I’ll kill the *******.

Day 14.

I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me.

Day 15.

I think I’ll have to kill him. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f… himself and he did.

Day 16.

The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.

Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference… Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18.

He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store, In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.

6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class, Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I’m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so’s your ass.

3. You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.

2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Â

To Women Everywhere from a Man Who’s Had Enough

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys. We like to see your ass in tight pants.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer. If we tell you the truth our ass is in the dog house.

Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her. But we don’t like to look at all that shitty hair on your legs!

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! You’d be better off buying your own damn gift.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. Like “Yes I think she looks good. She hasn’t let her ass get fat like yours.”

Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, monster trucks or the big tits on that blonde across the street.

Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides Let it be. Find a hobby that gets your ass out of the house on Sundays.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we’re never going to think of it that way. The only sporty thing to us about shopping is sitting on a bench in the mall and watching all the young chicks walking by.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. No matter what you drape on your ass will look good on some other female.

You have enough clothes unless it’s all sexy under-ware.

You have too many shoes. Unless you’re a cow and have four feet.

Crying is blackmail. Bitching is irritating. Spending time with your mother is hell.

Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious hints don’t work. Just say it! And say it without all those damn tears!

We don’t know what day it is. We never will. Get off your ass and mark anniversaries, or other dates that are important, on the calendar.

Pissing standing up is more difficult. We’re bound to miss sometimes. As long as we don’t piss on you get over it!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? We really don’t give a shit what shoes you wear.

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. It’s not our fault that when we say “yes” and you expected the answer to be “no” you get your short hairs in a wad.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. We know you’re to dumb to figure things out for yourself.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. If you want sympathy from a man learn the art of giving a descent blowjob and learn to swallow.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor or learn how to turn over and get it from the rear. One way or the other we’re going to get what we need.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it’s a porn film we’re watching during sex.

When you say your oil needs to be checked we figure you are telling us, in a polite way because there’s kids close by, you want a good reaming.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together unless it’s a quiz on how many positions you can get into while our dick is ramming you.

No, it doesn’t matter how short a quiz. As long as we get satisfied.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All agreements become null and void after 7 days especially if it’s some- thing we said after getting a blowjob.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry get over it. We really don’t give a shit one way or the other.

Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway; it’s genetic. We looked at your ass and you liked it!

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both. We don’t care where your “spot” is.

Say whatever you have to say during the commercials. We don’t care to listen your whining during a really good tits and ass movie.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. Our favorite color is pussy pink.

If it itches, it will be scratched. If you don’t like to see us scratch ourselves learn to scratch it for us.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. Be grateful that we even want to be near your sorry ass before we drink the beer.

If we ask what’s wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying. We don’t give a shit. We just want to shut you up.

If it itches, it will be scratched. If you don’t like to see us scratch it ourselves learn to scratch it for us.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. Be grateful that we even want to be near your sorry ass before we drink the beer.

If we ask what’s wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying. We don’t give a shit. We just want to shut you up.

Your ex-boyfriend is not an idiot. The fact that he threw your sorry ass out is proof.

Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. It’s not really our fault you don’t get satisfied. If you weren’t so wrapped up in in all that foreplay shit there would be plenty of time for you to get your jollies too!

Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out. If you even think of touching it you deserve what you find.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. Who gives a shit weather we turn left instead of right just enjoy the scenery.

Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. If you dress like an easy woman, you should expect to be treated like one.

More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. After two months the sex isn’t new anymore and boredom sets in.

If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement since you “never have anything to wear” AND your shit is only good for one evening out anyway.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you but is an indication that we just don’t give a shit what you are thinking.

If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about making out with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you”d better be delivering a package, because you”re sure not picking anything up.

Â

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter”s body, I will remove them.

Â

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don”t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Â

Rule Four:

I”m sure you”ve been told that in today”s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Â

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”