The wife says: You want

The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need

The wife means: I want

The wife says: It’s your decision

The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want

The wife means: You’ll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk

The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure… go ahead

The wife means: I don’t want you to

The wife says: I’n not upset

The wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron

The wife says: You’re … so manly

The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights

The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient

The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.

The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.

The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there

The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise

The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?

The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?

The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.

The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.

The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?

The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.

The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?

The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes

The wife means: No

The wife says: No

The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe

The wife means: No

The wife says: I’m sorry

The wife means: You’ll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?

The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dish

The wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?

The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I’m not yelling!

The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”

The wife says: The same old thing.

The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.

The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.

The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot.

The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it.

The wife means: I’m still building up steam.

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?

A. You can’t, they have always been like that.

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?

A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?

A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?

A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?

A. She drowns it.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

A. Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What did the blonde¡¯s left leg say to her right leg?

A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?

A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?

A. Nothing, they haven’t met!

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A. Because that’s where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What’s a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?

A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don’t blondes use vibrators?

A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?

A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?

A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?

A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can’t find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?

A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?

A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?

A. Brain tumor.

Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?

A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: “Fun fun fun worry worry worry”

A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry….

Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?

A. “Way to go team!”

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?

A. FULL

Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?

A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?

A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A. Pregnant.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A. Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q. What’s the difference between butter and a blonde?

A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?

A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?

A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?

A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?

A. She opens the car door.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?

A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO’s have in common?

A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?

A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?

A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?

A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?

A. An interpreter.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A. The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?

A. She sold her car for it…

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

A. “Are you sure it’s mine?”

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?

A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?

A. A blow job with handlebars

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?

A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?

A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?

A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?

A. A wine and cheese party!

Q. How do you drown a blonde?

A. Put a scratch ‘n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?

A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?

A. Oh no, I’m going to fall again!

Funny Facts about Americans

Did you know that . . .

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to
higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring’s homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high
prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,
family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit
for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we’re average-looking.

Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

12 Simple rules for Northerners moving south

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

2. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

3. Remember: “Y’all” is singular, “All y’all” is plural, and “All y’alls’” is plural possessive.

4. Get used to hearing “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

5. You may hear a Southerner say “Oughta!” to a dog or child. This is short for “Y’all oughta not do that!” and is the equivalent of saying “No!”

6. Don’t be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can’t understand you, either.

7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol’,” as in “big ol’ truck ” or “big ol’ boy.” Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

9. Be advised that “He needed killin’” is a valid defense here.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim “Hey, y’all, watch this,” stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.

11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

A pilots handbook

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you’ve made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you
empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

What job ads really mean

Competitive salary
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

Join our fast-paced company
We have no time to train you.

Casual work atmosphere
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Some overtime required
Some every night and some every weekend.

Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail
We have no quality assurance.

Career-minded
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled.

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

Problem-solving skills a must
You’re walking into perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good communication skills
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

SUCCESS

At age 4, success is………………….not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is…………………having friends.
At age 20, success is…………………having sex.
At age 35, success is…………………making money.
At age 60, success is…………………having sex.
At age 70, success is…………………having friends.
At age 80, success is…………………not peeing your pants.

Whacky definitions

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

Decaflon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.

The Top 10 Snappy comebacks for ” Why aren’t you Married yet?”

10. You haven’t asked yet.
9. What? And spoil my great sex life?
8. Just lucky, I guess.
7. I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
6. I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
5. I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
4. What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?
3. We really want to, but my lover’s husband just won’t go for it.
2. I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
1. Why aren’t you thin?

Classes for men at your local adult learning center

Sign up now!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 – How to fill up the ice cube trays.
A step by step guide, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 – The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion.

Topic 3 – Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub?
Group practice.

Topic 4 – Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 – The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Topic 6 – Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 – Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 8 – Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 – Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 – Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 11 – Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 – How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 – How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

Only in America! …..do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !

Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America…..do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America…..do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ….

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed? !

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: “Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

***********************************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine!
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.