INTERNATIONAL DATING GUIDE CAUCASIAN WOMAN: First date: You get to kiss her good night. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea. JAPANESE WOMAN: First date: She’s shy, so you don’t get to kiss her at all. Second date: She’ll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties. Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her. Then she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before getting married to a Japanese man. MALAY WOMAN: First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers. Second date: You get to home base with her. Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law. CHINESE WOMAN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens either. Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen. INDIAN WOMAN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. BLACK WOMAN: First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. JEWISH WOMAN: First Date: You get a dynamite blowjob. Second Date: You get another great blowjob. Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again. MEXICAN WOMAN: First Date: You give her $20 and have really good sex. Second Date: You give $25 and have really good sex with her younger sister. Third Date: You give her $30 and have sex with her younger brother. IRISH WOMAN: First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN
(and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)
6. I’ve got a boyfriend. (Who’s really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)
5. I don’t date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same ’solar system’, much less the same building.)
4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s not me, it’s you.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)
DICTIONARY OF DATING DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man. EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.” IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. NYMPHOMANIAC: A man’s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does. SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman’s boat and asks her what she’s doing?
She says, “Reading my book.” The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she’s not fishing. To which he replied, “But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!”
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, “If you do that, I will charge you with rape.”
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, “But I didn’t even touch you.”
To which the lady replied, “Yeah, but you have all the equipment!”
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: – $1.50.
Chicken Sandwich: – $2.50.
Hand Job: – $10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”
“I was wondering”, whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
“Yes”, she purrs, “indeed I am”
The man replies “Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”
SIGNS YOU’VE HAD A BAD DATE WITH A GIRL
* Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date her mother.
* You find out her real name is Brandon, and you used to play little league with her.
* She has a thicker mustache than you.
* When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.
* You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
* Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
* You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.
* You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.
* At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
* She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
* You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
* At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
* You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
* She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan. * She is better hung than you.
* She constantly complains that her cat won’t stop laughing at her.
* She informs you that you can’t go out again because her spirit guide doesn’t like you.
* She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.
A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machine suddenly broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and said, “Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine? It doesn’t work.” The angry husband replied, “What do I look like? The freakin’ Maytag man?” and hung up. The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to complete her washing. She got in the car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn’t start. She again called her husband at work and said, “Honey, I tried to go to the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn’t start. Can you come home and take a look at it?” Again, the angry husband snaps, “What do I look like? Freakin’ Mr. Goodwrench?” and hung up. She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes outside and takes a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned and said, “Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little dirty.” The lady said, “Wow, you’re a pretty handy guy! How much will this all cost?” The Maytag man says, “I’ll tell ya what, lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex with me – your choice.” Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car. The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex. The husband then said “Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?” The lady said, “What do I look like? Freakin’ Betty Crocker?”
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.
What’s the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Introduce herself.
Walks home.
What’s the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don’t know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do…
How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she’ll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on
the bed.
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
Multiple total eclipses.
What is a sorority girl’s mating call…
“I’m soooo drunk, I’m sooooo drunk!”
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn’t follow you around for three days.
What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
Nothing. There are some things a sorority girl won’t do.
I don’t know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
I don’t know, but when it sucks your cock, it does’t stop until it
gets blood.
What’s the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ?
Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
or
7, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke).
or
65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap.
or
One. She holds on to it and the world revolves around her.
or
Six. One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts.
Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
She’s been laid all over the country.
Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.
What’s the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
What do you call a sorority girl’s waterbed?
The Dead Sea
How can you tell if a sorority girl’s a nymphomaniac?
She’ll make love the same day she has her hair done.
What’s a sorority girl’s idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.
What’s the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda?
Nail polish.
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.
(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)NOTE – This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________
2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________CITY: _________ ZIP ______
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: ________________________________________________
7. Number of years parents married: ___________
8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)
9. In 50 words or less, what does “Late” mean to you? _________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does “DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? _________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you? _________________________________________________________
12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________
14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely – all answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone – I promise):
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
C. A women’s place is in the __________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________
E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to “E” begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________
16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).
LOVE………………….when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST…………………..when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE…………when your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care.
LOVE………………….when intercourse is called making love.
LUST…………………..all other times.
MARRIAGE…………what’s intercourse?
LOVE………………….when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST…………………..when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE…………when you argue over money.
LOVE………………….when you share everything you own.
LUST…………………..when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE…………when the bank owns everything.
LOVE………………….when it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax.
LUST…………………..when the relationship is over if you don’t climax.
MARRIAGE…………what’s a climax?
LOVE………………….when you phone each other just to say “G’day”.
LUST…………………..when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE…………when you phone each other to find out what time your son’s game starts.
LOVE………………….when you write poems about your partner.
LUST…………………..when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE…………when all you write is checks.
LOVE………………….when you show concern for your partners’ feelings.
LUST…………………..when you couldn’t give a shit.
MARRIAGE…………when your only concern is what’s on TV.
LOVE………………….when your farewell is “I love you darling …”
LUST…………………..when your farewell is “So, same time next week?”
MARRIAGE…………when your farewell is silent.
LOVE………………….when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST…………………..when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE…………when you never see each other awake.
LOVE………………….when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST…………………..when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE…………when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE………………….when nobody else matters.
LUST…………………..when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE…………when everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows.
LOVE………………….when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST…………………..when it’s just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE…………when you never listen to music.
LOVE………………….when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST…………………..when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE…………when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE………………….when you’re interested in everything your partner does.
LUST…………………..when you’re only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE…………when you’re not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you’re interested in is your golf score.
Normal Duties
(NOTE: The score of “0” means it was expected of him)
————
* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
* But return with beer: -5
* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
* You pummel it with a six iron: +10
* It’s her father: -10
Social Engagements
——————
* You stay by her side the entire party: 0
* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
* Named Tiffany: -4
* Tiffany is a dancer: -6
* Tiffany has implants: -8
Saturday Afternoons
——————-
* You visit her parents: +1
* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
* And the television is off: -6
* You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6
* And you didn’t even go to college: -10
* And it’s not really your underwear: -15
Her Birthday
————
* You take her out to dinner: 0
* You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1
* Okay, it’s a sports bar: -2
* And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3
* It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
* You give her a gift: 0
* You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10
* You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1
* You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2
* You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30
* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
* With her credit card: -30
* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40
Thoughtfulness
———————-
* You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
* Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
* And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
A Night Out With Your Pals
—————————————-
* You have a few beers: -9
* For every beer after three: -2 again
* And miss curfew by an hour: -12
* You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
* And not wearing any pants: -40
* Is that a tattoo? -200
A Night Out, Just the Two of You
————————————————-
* You go see a comic: +2
* He’s crude and sexist: -2
* You laugh: -5
* You laugh too much: -10
* She’s not laughing: -15
* You laugh harder: -25
Driving
———-
* You lose the directions on a trip: -4
* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25
* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
Communication
———————-
* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
* When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
* She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10
A MAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN ARE REALLY SAYING:
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
…. without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven’t had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA’S FINE.
…. you cheap slob!
I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can’t believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT…
I don’t like you.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I’M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We’re gonna make fun of you and your friends.
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.
She kept screaming “Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!”, which the guy took to be pleasurable.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said “Fujifoo”.
The Japanese clients looked confused and said “No, you got the right hole.”
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, “Hi, is Tony home?”
The wife replies, “No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want.”
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says “You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred buck just to see one.”
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell – a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says “That was so amazing I’ve got to see both of them. I’ll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together.”
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, “You know, your friend Chris came over.”
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.
“Think about this…when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?”